Some days I lose my temper

[Macfee]

Is it just me ( that's my worry ) or do others scream at their kids too? I have one DS, 7. He argues every instruction, request, rule. He doesn't listen so I repeat stuff 5 times. I know in my heart that this is home being a boy of 7 but in my head it drives me insane. I have a full time job which is somewhat stressful, I'm the main bread winner but DH works too. Outwardly I am a nice person but I think I am being a bully to my son in my exasperation. How do others cope and not scream?

I was brought up by someone who had no patience and often screamed at me. It felt violent and terrible, and as he was so unpredictable I was frightened most of my childhood.
The shouting affected my self esteem and made me anxious. I never felt he loved me.

Maybe I was clumsy, or noisy as a child etc, but he was my Father and he was supposed to be showing me how to behave. He was supposed to protect me, not hurt kme.
I felt no love whatsoever from him, and there is no doubt in mind that he was an abusive emotional bully.
So that's what it feels like to be constantly disrespected and shouted at.

We all feel like throttling our children sometimes, but we need to be patient. Our children only have one childhood and your son is only seven. I am afraid that you are taking your stress out on him.
A course in Mindfulness might help you relax and be more patient towards him.

Thanks, I'll google Mindfulness and see what that's about. I too had parents like you describe which is why I am so concerned about my behaviour as I so don't want to be like them. Thanks again.

Given my up bringing I don't think I was the most marvellous Mother to my own DCs. I suffer a lot of guilt as I know my behaviour was far from perfect.

I had counselling as I went on a counselling course. It was to help with my job and was a real eye opener. I wish I had been on it before I had had children.
I have talked a lot with my DC's since and none of them are NC and I get on well with their partners and my GC.
However it is all too easy to do to your DCs what was done to you.

I don't want you to suffer guilt about your behaviour, as I have done and I am sure that you don't want to hurt your children.
MNet is really good and helpful. I wish it had been around when I was young.
I didn't do to my children what was done to me but I could have done better. But there is the rub! There is no going back.

I do think you sound a little bit overwhelmed Macfee. Personally I think when you are feeling stressed it is harder to stay calm and be patient. If you are working full time as well this can not be easy. I repeat everything at least 5 times before anything gets done, I expect to now, because that is just how it is with children of this age. I would have a look at your life and see what you can reduce, how you can have more time to enjoy your ds and not feel so harassed and stressed that you are resorting to shouting.

I am a calm(ish) parent after a brutal childhood I knew I had to do things differently, and some of the ways I keep calm even when pushed to my very limit are:

I listen to classical music almost all of the time, it definitely helps all of us feel much more peaceful and calm
I massage dds at the end of the day, it is stress relieving for me and they can not get in and out of the bath quick enough for 'spa time'
When I am on repeat requesting mode ~ I count with the repeats to keep me calm
I remember what it was like to be shouted at all of the time by my father, and really resist becoming the same person. Every time I feel I am losing my patience I picture me being composed and the mother I want to be, and then keep going with the calm voice. It is a habit like any other.
When I am getting angry I lower my voice, and do the opposite of what I feel like doing. It makes me FEEL more in control even though I don't feel it inside
If you are putting on coats or something, make a joke of it, tickle them into submission.
I always race my dd to see who can finish first putting on shoes, hats etc that often works
I remind myself I am in control. And I am.
I remind myself they are only small and do not always mean to be difficult, they are tired, may not want to go to school, feel pressure from other places etc.
I make up a million things to see outside to encourage them through the door, the birds, the sky lit up, a shooting star, the moon. Given a reason to put on a coat is half the battle.
Lastly last year, I resorted to printed pictures on the door, and just pointed. No need for a voice and then my dd started checking her pictures to see how far she had come. She got rewards for doing it all by herself.
I always leave plenty of time to get the children ready. When I am rushed it is always harder to stay calm and cheerful.
I have a silent pact with myself that I will never ever shout. Never. Never. If you say it often enough you will be amazed at how it works.

I do not know all the answers to this, far from it, but I hope some of the techniques I have acquired over the years with my children will help you. Good luck!

that's all really good advice, can anyone tell me how this works with an 11 1/2 year old please? thanks.

Eleven and a half year olds are entering puberty. Reading books about what is happening to them is a good start. But don't quote the books at them.
Try not to behave like them. They are children and you are the adult so you have to behave in a calm consistant way despite what you see as provocation and selfishness.
Always follow through with punishments. They should be fair and not too harsh. If there are two parents they should back each other up and disagree out of earshot.
Too much reasoning can be exhausting. Sometimes you have to just say' this is how it is going to be!
Decide what is important. I thought doing their homework was more important than tidying their rooms. Don't pick fights about every little thing.

Listen when they want to talk. Don't be over intrusive, you are firstly their Parent not a mate. Don't read their diaries and snoop into their stuff.

Limit their access to iPhones and I pads at night as they will be on them all night and be exhausted in the morning. In fact I would take the phones off them at a reasonable agreed time. If they can't get up in the morning then that is every reason to take away the electronic stuff. They need their sleep.
Be full of praise for any good behaviour.
Lastly try and enjoy them as they are soon gone.
I would love to have a little hand in mine. Luckily I have GC.

Thank you.

Try reading Calmer Easier Happier Parenting (there's also Calmer Easier Happier Boys) - both give really good advice on how not to have to repeat yourself and how to deal with your son's behaviour without getting stressed. Good luck!

holeinmyheart I have an 11.5 yr old who can be challenging at times. I think that is one of the best, most sensible advice posts I have read here recently regarding tweens; I'm going to cut and paste it in to a Word doc and re-read it every day!!

Going to try the classical music advice too!

Thanks for the great advice on this thread. I have a good relationship with my 11 year old DS, but sometimes I shout, just for a few seconds, but it's upsetting for us both.
My dad was abusive and shouted at me and my mum and siblings my entire childhood. I thought I would never shout at a child of mine and I hate it when I do.
I'll use the techniques suggested as I would rather never shout at all.

slingclutter Aw thanks. Doesn't everyone love being praised, including me. Feels warm and sloppy!
I was brought up in a critical loveless household. It breaks my heart to see any cruelty to children or posts that begin, I lose my temper with my 18 months old/ four year old etc. They make me shudder with fear for their children.
Every time you count ten, every scrap of patience and empathy that you show towards children, when they are young, will be paid back in shedloads when they are adults.

You mustn't behave like them because they are children and you are not.
If you treat your children at all times with respect and more importantly, how you would like to be treated, then you can't go far wrong.

If I say that my children didn't rebel and haven't been any trouble it sounds as though I am being smug. But honestly they were brilliant. I tried really hard not to repeat my parents mistakes. I just didn't want them to experience what I experienced. My DH was such a good Dad as well. He is, and was a rock. He loves us all so deeply.
Don't think I am not wracked with guilt by the mistakes I made either, as all parents are. But thank goodness for MUMsnet as I think you can learn a lot from it.

I remember being young and utterly alone, facing a very difficult time with no where to go, because my parents couldn't love me.
Our children deserve better than that.
I got flamed recently on MumsNet for saying that I thought shouting was bullying.