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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

What is fair?

25 replies

emkana · 25/02/2015 09:20

Dd (11) feels hard done by because she has her older sister's ipod and phone, whereas her sister had them new.

On the other hand, she had both these things younger than her sister, and she has the prospect of getting a new phone when she reaches the age when her sister had it. She can also have an ipad mini for her 12th birthday, which is six months older than her sister was.

Am I right in telling her that she should be happy with that?

OP posts:

amidaiwish · 25/02/2015 09:26

errr. yes.
she sounds pretty spoilt imo.

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 09:29

I think so, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt

She is very good at making me feel guilty, middle child syndrome with the added flavour of her sister being "perfect" so very rarely causing any trouble at all, good at school etc, and her younger brother having sn so taking up lots and lots of attention

OP posts:

sugarman · 25/02/2015 09:32

NOTHING IS FAIR when you're 11. It is all perfectly normal.

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 09:34

Drives me insane though, what do you do? Just ignore it?

I can really wind her up by saying "your sister never behaved like this"

OP posts:

amidaiwish · 25/02/2015 09:46

Take them off her. Tell her she can have new ones when she is x years old, same as her sister. Don't give in. She had the chance and she blew it with her behaviour.

Unmissable · 25/02/2015 09:46

Personally, I wouldn't have handed down items like that (clothes and bikes, absolutely).

IMO the ipod belongs to the original owner and younger sister can be allowed to use it, if it suits the older sister, but she gets her own, as and when finances and what you think is age appropriate allow.

However (to contradict myself completely!) DS1 was given my years old ipod (music player only) for his 11th birthday. He was thrilled, if there'd been even a hint that he was going to sulk or whine over it being secondhand and ancient , it would have been removed.

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 11:00

Not sure I have the bottle to remove things... Though might threaten to change my mind about getting new stuff if she carries on!

OP posts:

Madamecastafiore · 25/02/2015 11:03

Take them off of her and tell her she can have new ones at the age her sister did. That's effectively what she wants isn't it?

SavoyCabbage · 25/02/2015 11:06

That's what I would do too. Take them back, return them to your other dd and dd2 can wait until she is the same age as dd1 was. That's fair and it's what she wants.

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 13:15

I think I'm too soft... Partly due to the fact that she does have to make a lot of compromises because of her brother

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 25/02/2015 13:28

I think it's fair, we do it too, 5 year age gap.

DD1 gets things new (though sometimes good as new from ebay too).
When she has finished with them, they go into storage.
At an appropriate time, I may pass them on to DD2.

DD2 may get more toys / clothes / (& in theory electricals) but she gets fewer brand new ones.

With respect to phone, DD1 got one age 10.75, Easter of y6.
DD2 is likely to get access to one age 10.75 Summer of y5. So not sure if that is at the same time, or earlier. It will be DD1's old phone though (probably).

Remind · 25/02/2015 13:32

I don't understand hand me down phones. If the phone is still serviceable, why does DD1 not still use it? If it's because the older child needs/deserves/gets a better phone, then I can understand DD2 being put out TBH.

Although, that doesn't excuse spoiled bad behaviour and I would remove it too.

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 13:35

Yes dd1 got a better phone but not sure what's wrong with that? Isn't it normal that they kind of upgrade as they get older?

That way dd2 got her first smartphone at 11.5, whereas dd1 was 12.5.

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 13:36

And she will get a new one at 12.2, so again younger than her sister was.

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 25/02/2015 13:43

We bought DD1's first phone out of normal present-buying time.
It cost ?£40, simple touch screen, but not 'smart'.
When she was in y8? she asked for and received a snazzier more expensive phone for a Christmas present. We were happy with that as she had proved she could look after a phone.

So for DD2 we also want an inexpensive 'starter phone' now she is getting a bit more independent and going out a bit without us. DD1's old phone (or my old 'starter phone') will be perfect, so why waste money on paying for a new one?

TeenAndTween · 25/02/2015 13:45

Maybe it is easier for us in some ways with the larger age gap, and things going into 'storage' before being passed on. So it's not straight from sister to sister.

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 15:23

It's not like she has to do with the used phone indefinitely, she just gets the option of a used one if she wants to have one at a younger age.

OP posts:

LastingLight · 25/02/2015 16:26

You sound as if you feel guilty about DD2. You cannot deal with the guilt by letting DD2 run riot and be an ungrateful brat. Tell her once that if she is not happy with the devices she has been given then she is welcome to give them back and wait her turn. Then next time she complains, take them away. You are not being mean, you are teaching her the valuable life lesson of being grateful for what you have.

Original poster

emkana · 25/02/2015 22:19

Am I right to feel guilty though?

OP posts:

LastingLight · 26/02/2015 06:55

It must be hard to find time for 3 dc, especially if one of them has sn. Do you spend any one to one time with DD2?

Arsenic · 26/02/2015 07:08

Not sure I have the bottle to remove things...

You are the parent

Original poster

emkana · 26/02/2015 07:16

Yes we do spend one to one time, every day - not sure how quality that time is sometimes though

OP posts:

Arsenic · 26/02/2015 07:26

You sound so nervous OP.

Fair doesn't mean 'exactly the same'. What you've outlined sounds completely fair and reasonable (your DC sound very lucky, in fact). Once you've decided, just stick to it and try to be confident in the decision.

Otherwise the DC will play you and you'll exhaust yourself second-guessing your own decisions.

Nobody's childhood was ever ruined by a few months more or less of electronic equipment. Don't feel guilty.

LastingLight · 26/02/2015 07:41

Then I don't think you need to worry or feel guilty. We do the best we can. Nobody is the perfect parent and that is not what your children need - they need a "good enough" parent, which by the sounds of it you are! Parent with authority and as Arsenic says, stop second guessing yourself.

Vvvoom · 01/03/2015 11:09

You do sound weak, but in exactly the same way as I am with my dds! Why are we so nervy about upsetting our kids? Mine would complain in exactly the same, really spoilt way - and I would be wary about taking the phone away too... Would probably threaten to do it and not follow up, plus have a rant about how spoilt she was.

On reflection I would sit your dd2 down and tell her that dd1 had her first new smartphone at xx age. She is xx age and has a used one. So dd1 won in one sense, she has won in the other. And that if she keeps complaining the phone will be removed until she is the same age as dd1.

With my kids, what often works better than a talk is a note. I sometimes write them a letter about what I want done or not done - they really like, and respond much better. In fact, I am going to write one right now to get them off the TV and on to chores!

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