My dd is nearly 11 and I think going through Hormone city!!
I just don't know how to deal with her when she has a meltdown which have been frequent the past few weeks. The other night she had a hissy fit over whether to have a shower or homework first, she was dithering so I said ok shower then homework. Well, it was then no I will do homework first when the shower was already on, so became battle of the wills, and absolute meltdown. She screamed and cried, then shouted I was so mean etc blah. I calmly told her, her ipad would be banned for a day, then 2 etc .. She finally stopped at a week. I have to say I lost it and did shout at her back (after being very patient) but buttons were pushed.
The same happened tonight at bedtime - told her to brush her teeth as it was bedtime then meltdown and I am so unfair she hadn't finished reading (she was told 5 mins before she had 5 mins left). Again things were banned. This time though she is saying no it's not. I said yes just wait and see and she says no!! Eh? What am I meant to say to that? To keep saying yes is playing her game.
Feeling like a crap parent right now and pretty sure I am handling this totally wrong. Dh seems calmer with her and stays out the way with her meltdowns. Ds (13) has his moments but not like this.
I lost my mum in December and am still in the depths of grief, but try to be strong infront of the kids. I miss her terribly and would normally chat to her about this so makes me feel even worse. 
My kids although upset at their grandma passing away have bounced back, I wonder if there might be something underlying with dd or it's just her age.
I just feel like whatever I am doing - it's wrong