How can we help our 12 year old dd?

[SasherinSuite]

dd has a number of issues and we're struggling to know how to deal with them.

For the last year she has been suffering from Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which has pretty much dominated hers and our lives. She has had numerous tests, appointments & physiotherapy at various hospitals including Great Ormond Street and she has made good progress physically. However she is still in significant pain which has resulted in her resorting to self harm as a way of coping . We have finally managed to get her some counselling through the school as CAMHS were too over-subscribed. We have also got an appointment with the pain clinic at GOSH for next month - something that should have been sorted out 6 months ago but wasn't (a whole other issue).

On top of all this she is going through the usual pre-teen issues and she started secondary school in September so is having to deal with all that as well. She gets frustrated and aggressive which seems to be triggered by her pain and she does tend to lash out verbally and physically. We can deal with this (most of the time) but we are worried about how it is affecting other parts of her life. Her friends seem to be withdrawing from her.

One example. She gets the bus to school in the morning with a couple of friends. They wait for another friend and all walk to school from the bus stop. The walk is up a steep hill. She can only walk slowly due to her CPRS. They walk on ahead and leave her to walk on her own. She feels ignored and left out. On Friday she decided to walk on ahead without waiting for the other friend as she knew they would catch up with her anyway. They did catch up with her but then walked past her laughing at her (she thinks). When she asked them why they walked ahead of her they said because she had left them first. So it's a bit of a catch 22 situation. She actually texted me at work about it when she got to school and I felt completely useless as there wasn't anything I could do. Of course everything is tinged with the fear that she will self harm as a result.

How can we deal with this and how can we help her? It is heartbreaking to see her so sad and unable to cope. I feel so helpless and useless.

Have a word with her friends yourself? Explain DD's condition to them, and what she can and can't do, and ask for their help in assisting DD in and out if school.

If her friends are not supportive of her syndrome and what it restricts her to do she should walk away them and get new friends.

Easier said than done. She's new at all this high school malarkey. The other girls are either horrid, so your dd will ditch them when she sees it or they are being mean to fit in, making themselves less of a target and will grow into different human beings

So what is do, and i might get shot for this is:

Find an different way for you dd to get to school and meet the group there. Bus, lift whatever. "I have to use the computer early as I don't have my homework, rolls eyes" or some excuse.

This removes the obvious difference that they see and use against her. This will make her less of a target and allow the friendship group to get stronger. She also isn't starting the day with them being negative, girls are like a dog with a bone. So she is more likely to be included in the group all day.

Yes it, ignores they are being horrid, but they will also get to know her better and therefore are less likely to be a dick about it. It gives them the opportunity to get to know her without the disability getting in the way.

I am in no way am I suggesting she changes who she is or denys who she is.

Year 7 is really crap and exclusion and inclusion can vary on a second to second basis, while they are trying to sort out rankings and personality and juggling independence and freedom. Urrgghhh. Hate it

Yes it is shit isn't it. Funnily enough these friends were supportive in primary school & it's one of the reasons she wanted to go to the same secondary. Since they started things have worsened for her mentally & I wonder if she isn't subconsciously pushing them away. She has been able to make other friends but hasn't been able to maintain her existing ones.

It's such a big change for them all. now you have said she does have other friends focus on that group. Invite them round and build on that.

High school is a big pool of fish, you don't have to be friends just because you're in the same class anymore. They grown and change so quickly. My Dd had the same best friend since reception, they are at the same high school and barely talk to one another these days. They are in different classes, have different intrests and have moved on.