Year 7 DD struggling socially at school

[ixos]

My 11 year old dd (year 7) is really struggling socially at secondary school. We have had no issues with friendships prior to this. She went up to secondary school with a good solid group of friends most of whom are in her form. However I think this is a mixed blessing - some of these girls are still nice to her but a couple are making it pretty clear that she no longer 'cuts it' and no longer want to be her friend - including her very best friend of many many years. She says people think she is weird, that no one likes her, that she annoys everyone. Everyone else seems to have made new friends except her. I can see it is really starting to damage her self-esteem and she is no longer the happy, confident child she was. She says it's not possible to join a new circle of friends now as everyone is settled in groups. She is a summer baby and is quite young for her age. She is also very small, which she is increasingly conscious of. She has joined some clubs (but her 'friends' all go to the same ones) and she won't go to any others because she feels she will move further apart from her friendship group if she does. I desperately want to help her but have no idea how.

I could have written your post word for word when DD was in yr 7. It broke my heart.

Three things helped us

1. Talk to the teacher, ours was very sympathetic. She juggled seating arrangements to make sure DD wasn't accidentally ostracised by seating. She also encouraged DD to come and talk. Having just someone who she could feel supported by helped DD feel more confident and less alone

2. Just by chance I met an old friend and her DD was at the school. We encouraged them to buddy up...different classes but I drop DD to friends so they walk in together. This worked brilliantly.

3. The last might seem wrong in some way but my advice is to try and encourage DD to recognise behaviours in herself which perpetuate the issues...(but bolster self esteem whilst doing this...bit of a juggle!). My DD was desperate to make her old friends 'play' with her. Old friends were too cool for such a younger behaving child and they regarded her with disdain and were irritated by her attempts...their rebuffal hurt. I had to really repeatedly suggest she forgot those old friendships and find new ones. This was really hard for her but she kept at it and we helped by supporting out of school activities. I let her join Facebook when she turned 12 (shoot me now!). I supervise, she's able to keep abreast of in jokes and join in with the friends who became 13 sooner. I really had to encourage and coax and make DD realise that hard as it was she had to make new friendships. She has.

Interestingly the too-cool-for-a-summer-baby friends have all got into trouble at school, detentions etc and fall out frequently. DD is excelling and happy with new friends

Thanks so much Older it helps enormously to know others have been in the same boat and have come through the other side.

I think I will speak to her teacher but not sure how DD will react to this..... And I totally get your point about "encouraging her to recognise behaviours in herself that perpetuate the issues... " I too have been trying to gently work with her on some of her behaviour/social skills - but as you say it is a difficult line to tread when they need their self-esteem boosting! Any tips on how to get the balance right people?

I spoilt her. I took her shopping for some clothes more suited to her age group. We went out for a meal and did other adult things to try and feel older in a positive way

And I totally get your point about "encouraging her to recognise behaviours in herself that perpetuate the issues... " I too have been trying to gently work with her on some of her behaviour/social skills - but as you say it is a difficult line to tread when they need their self-esteem boosting! Any tips on how to get the balance right people?

I find this tact interesting, because I do pretty much the opposite with mine! I encourage them to celebrate their individuality. To be proud of who they are. That quirkiness is cool and that should anyone choose to ostracise them for being different, it is those people who have issues and insecurities, not DC.

Getting rid of negative influences has left the way clear for them to form positive relationships, with some very good friends, who love them for who they are.

I far prefer this to them seeking to change to suit others - isn't that the basis of many negative adult relationships?

my daughter going through the same thing . she's quite young for her age, two best friends went to d different school, misses primary school. has new friends but feels they are more confident and mature than her, says all other friendship groups are established.
Am just trying to carry on telling her there are more friends out there, doing the balancing act you described about behaviour and still trying not to make her change how she really is.
breaks my heart though. Any thoughts welcome.

I could also write your message word for word. I went into school and it's really helping but DD has realised she needs to work on finding new friends and look at her behaviour. I hope you get it sorted and I understand what you are going through. The worst thing is I feel so helpless but going into school made me feel like I could help in a small way. Challenge is they ultimately have to work it out for themselves.

Amantes. You misunderstand me. I don't expect DD to change who she is. I encourage her to change her behaviour. Trying to force a friendship with someone who doesn't want it will lead to rejection.

She needs life skills. Giving her life skills is not about making her be a different person at all. Children are not born with the ability to manage relationships. They learn.

Taking her shopping for clothes more suited to her age group is not taking her shopping for clothes that her friends would like.

She chose her clothes for her but we marked a move from childhood school to a school where she became a teenager with clothes which lets face it can make a big difference to how we all feel about ourselves

Oh so sorry ixis our children's pain is our pain isn't it. I haven't experienced this problem but my DIL is a teacher in Yr 6 primary. She says that there is always trouble with the girls in the friendship groups and they fall in and out with each other on a regular basis.

I think in Yr 7 they are all trying to find their feet in "big school" and I noticed that you said some of her old friends are "still nice to her" but a couple of the other girls (including previous best friend) are rejecting her. I think that these 2 girls might be "queen bees" and the others are feeling insecure and don't want to lose favour with the queen bees, hence they are only rejecting your DD because of the attitude of these 2 girls.

My DGD is now in Yr 10 and we talk a lot about friendship groups (she's at an all girls school) and she tells me about "Miss Popular" and her little acolytes. She says it is pathetic, if Miss P laughs and finds something funny, the others do the same, and even check sometimes to see Miss P's reaction to something before they react. My DGD is very observant!

Why these 2 girls are behaving like this may well be for the reasons you've stated - that DD is young for her age, being summer born and the others are trying to be "grown up" now they are at "big school"- I think Older has given really good advice. Is there a head of Pastoral Care who you could talk to in confidence without your DD knowing, as she is sure to be embarrassed about this being brought up at school.

I think it always looks like everyone else is ok and has a good group of friends but this isn't really the case - I think DD's self esteem is low as a result of this period of adjustment as you acknowledge and then it is easy to think everyone else is ok and you're not.

Given that there were no difficulties in primary school, I feel sure that things will level out over time, it's very early days. In the meantime I don't think you can go far wrong by following Older's excellent advice. Does she have a smart phone incidentally - if not she needs one because they message each other on these all the time!

Thank you all. Some sage advice. It's bloody hard though watching them suffer when you can't really change things for them. Older - I totally got what you meant earlier, I shudder at the idea of trying to change who my dd is, but there are def some subtle behaviour changes that will help her navigate the crock of shit that is year 7.

Gosh I too feel a lot of recognition here, for my 11 yo DS1. He has always wanted people to like him, desperately needed to be seen with people and been socially vulnerable for that reason. He will play the clown etc to be popular, but I suspect now that does not work and the cooler kids are ignoring him, some have even kicked him to get him out of the way (we have addressed this with the school and the boys' parents).
We are also trying to help him to see that coercing people to be your friend will not work. I think he feels quite negatively about himself at the moment and we need to find ways to improve his self image.
Interestingly DS2 (one of the eldest in his class) is a lot more self possessed, is not worried about being seen on his own in the playground etc, and maybe as a result never has trouble gathering friends around himself.

www.youngminds.org.uk/?gclid=CLiK3bOZpcMCFTHMtAodkVcA6g

does school have Student Support?