Emotionally volatile 12 yo

[GristletoeAndWhine]

DD, has wild mood swings and temper tantrums. She is quite pleasant most of the time, but gets really upset very easily and screams and shouts and swears at me or DH, sometimes also damaging property or being violent. She also gets anxious and has some ocd type behaviour.
She just came to speak to me about something horrible she had seen (on youtube) that made her feel really anxious and she couldn't get the image out of her head (not sexual or violent, just something weird). I gave her some advice about how to deal with this and she just told me to "go kill myself", and "you are a shit mother" and "fuck you" etc. Possibly I riled her be being quite chilled and perhaps not reacting as she would like. I don't know. Or maybe she was primed to blow up at me regardless of what I said.
I have recently found a really good professional who I thought could help her with her anger and anxiety, but she refuses to go and see them. Where do I go from here?

[pandora987]

Maybe try to talk to her about her behaviour while she's in a good mood, or in a situation where she can't stomp off and damage things like out on a walk or in the car. Sounds like she needs some help from a professional and you need to get her on board with that. She can't enjoy feeling so angry and upset. Strops are inevitable at this age, but it sounds like she's got issues that could be helped. She will be happier too if she learns some coping strategies and she's old enough to understand this if you can get her buy-in. Its not really acceptable to talk to you like this and certainly not to damage things or be violent. What's she going to be like as an older teenager/ young adult if you don't get some help now? Insist that the way she is now is not acceptable - how would she feel if someone said those things to her or smashed up her stuff? Tell her you understand that she's angry and that the professional person you want her to see will help her to deal with her feelings better. Then maybe some reward for improvements? Good luck.. hope it gets better for you.

[GristletoeAndWhine]

Thanks Pandora. I agree with everything you say and it's helpful to hear it from someone else.

[Heyho111]

As parents we try to fix all our kids problems and worries. It's instinctive in us.
When your daughter sometimes comes to you with a problem she doesn't actually want you to fix it. I will give an example.
'Mum I look horrid in all my clothes'
You reply. 'No you don't, you look lovely'.
Response. 'Shut up , I look like shit. You don't know what your talking about'. Blah blah blah.

If you replied. 'I know how you feel. Sometimes I put something on and I just feel ugly'. 'Theres no reason why I just do sometimes'.
Her reply ' yeah that's exactly how I feel'.

Trying to make her feel good , sort it etc doesn't work. Just hearing them does. So the weird video thing.
'Oo that sounds creepy. That would have spooked me out too'. You are agreeing with her and normalising her feelings. This in turn will sort it without trying to sort it. It works. I started using this technique and it surprised me how well it works.

[GristletoeAndWhine]

It's a good suggestion Heyho111, thanks. I do sometimes just want to fix everything. She is a very difficult child and I want everything to be ok for her. I think we are quite alike in many ways and i identify with her strongly. Can't always fix things though.