DS has no friends at secondary school... what to do...

[mummyk8]

DS is 12 in a couple of days and is in year 7. He moved up to secondary school with a couple of friends from primary school but has always struggled making friends since we moved from London to the West Country when he was 7. About 3 weeks ago his friends from school started picking on him with another boy in his year. This wen't on for a couple of days resulting in them following him home and cornering him down a lane saying they were going to I quote 'beat the c**p out of him take his phone and inhaler and leave him for dead!". He panicked and pushed the biggest kid over and kicked him really hard and than ran as fast as he could home (the child is fine and was in school the next day). The school decided to give every child involved including my DS detention and left it at that. Since then no one in his year will talk to him unless they have to and he has no friends.The few friends he did have were all going to come over for his birthday and now they have all cancelled. He says it's not bothering him and it's fine. Clearly this isn't the case because over the last week he has been having what I can only describe as tantrums at home, throwing his school books around, shouting at me and is on edge all the time and even wet the bed something he hasn't done since he was 5! Today he told me how bad things are at school and hoe lonely he is. I really don't know what to do, it's so heart breaking. I suggested we could find a local club to join but he's not really very sporty and didn't fancy any of them. I also suggested talking to school but he was worried the teachers would embarrass him and make the situation worse. All he ever wants to do is play on his laptop and read books. It's all just so heart breaking.

[Clairej81]

This must be absolutely heart breaking for you as a mum and so hard for your DS. I am no expert and my DS is much younger than yours but I would think speaking to the school is the only option but obviously stress his concerns about making the situation worse. It must be affecting him in the classroom so I m sure the school must have noticed and should have dealt with similar situations before. Really hope it is sorted out soon.

[kikisunflower]

Move him to a different school if you can. Although things may change once he goes into year 8 esp if subjects are streamed according to ability as quite often they are not in year 7. I do feel for him esp if his friends have cancelled on his birthday plans this is pretty awful. Have they said why exactly. This is a worrying situation to be in and secondary schools don't really deal with these issues the same a primary schools. Give it another year and if nothing changes get him out of there.

[moodyblues]

This has happened to my ds too, not physical but being ignored and having no one to talk to. It is very hard for him to cope with and I think I will get in touch with the 'family' officer soon if things don't improve. Is there someone like that at your ds's school? Check the website to see.


He plays hockey one night a week which helps, I know you said your ds isn't sporty but what about scouts?

[TheOriginalNutcracker]

This is happening to my ds too. I didn't send him to the nearest school because he struggles with school in general and as my other dc had attended the local school, I knew it wouldn't suit him, and this school seemed to have a better pastoral system and just be more family like if that makes sense.

I get txts most days from him of sad faces, or him saying he wants to come home. He has a few 'friends' but sometimes they take the mic and ds really takes things like that to heart.

The school have acted on the bullying, but ds is still really unhappy there and I feel so guilty.

He is due to go on a residential weekend soon too.

[Kato77]

Oh this is so sad.

My DS in Yr 8 and has no such problems but has I realised made some friends with kids in completely different types to the ones he had in secondary school because the opportunity is available.

How big is his secondary school? Our school has loads of clubs designed to appeal to a huge range of interests other than just sport. Could he join one of them and maybe find a soulmate?

The issue about walking home is tricky. Is there a way for him to get home avoiding those who are bullying him? I experienced similar as a child and ended up walking home 2 miles further to avoid the bullies.

I would talk to school. Despite your DS fears I honestly think they will take it seriously and try to help him find a solution.

[mummyk8]

Thank you all for your replies. First of all sorry in advance for any typos etc... I just woke up after falling asleep on the sofa. It helps a lot to know he and I are not alone in all if this. Secondary school can be daunting even with friends and i just feel so sorry for him. I'm feeling really guilty about it and know that when he and and I were talking about it tonight I could handled it better. At one point I was clearly holding back the tears (I'm 27 week pregnant and keeping a lid on those hormones/emotions is so darn hard).When he made it clear he didn't want to talk about it any more I told him we wouldn't talk about this over the next few days until after his birthday unless he wanted to but then we really need to consider how to move forward with this situation.I'm starting to feel like contacting school is an option worth exploring and will see what info I can find on there website regarding this sort of thing.

moodybluesWe have been on the waiting list for scouts for 3 years I did say I would call and ask but he didn't fancy it now as one of the boys he was friends with but now isn't goes there.

kikisunflower They aren't coming because one of the children he got detention with thinks her DS shouldn't have got one as he was 'only name calling and joshing about!'. She won't let him come over so now non of the boys who were coming over will come. The moving school thing is a possibility but we live in a town where everyone knows every one else there are only 2 secondary schools and they are both next to each other even sharing the same field because I don't drive that limits options.

Kato77 I don't think walking home is a big issue at the moment they aren't still bullying him in that sense just that no one will be friends with him or talk to him outside of having to in class. It's not a small school but he had already joined all the clubs he liked and of course that was with his then friends. I will suggest he looks into other groups at school to.

Thanks again everyone for your suggestions and message they are really helping me get my head around this really unpleasant mess.

[AChickenCalledKorma]

Absolutely contact the school.

It's way too early to be contemplating moving school, but they really need to know what's going on. If they are any good at dealing with bullying, they will have strategies to put in place. This early in the year, everyone is still settling down and there's a good chance they can knock a few heads together and help them all make a fresh start.

DD1 experienced some bullying at a similar stage of Year 7, which I didn't know anything about until the day another child decided enough was enough and marched her to the Head of Year to tell him what was going on. He came down on the ringleader like a ton of bricks and that was the end of it. Although you say no-one will have anything to do with your son, there may well be a whole bunch of boys who realise what's going on is wrong and are still capable of turning things around if the school gets on the case.

Joining clubs with like-minded people in other year groups is also a good strategy. Nothing like a friend in Year 10 to give a boy a bit of kudos.

If none of the above works, that could be the time to start thinking about a different school. But do give them a chance.