My Step-daughter is so unhappy

[Starfishiecloverhv]

Hi Guys

I'm new here, so will give a bit of background. I live with my step-daughter who is nearly 12 and my daughter who is 8 months old. DH who is father to both left in May and has gone awol (MH issues). We had split up prior to him leaving (February), however my step-daughter has stayed with me as she strongly dislikes her mother. She was 2 younger brothers, a sister and a half-sister who live with her mum, but she hasn't had contact in a while. My step-daughter was very close to her dad, but refused to go with him when he left as she is settled here and wanted to stay with her baby sister. I have a good relationship with my step-daughter, although we've only known each other just under 3 years. She is a smart girl (she skipped a year when younger so is year 8, rather than year 7) and quite emotionally mature.

She is a lovely, polite and respectful girl with ambitions of being a doctor and is very caring. She has had to grow up faster than some, and I suspect at times she was had to be the parent rather than the child. She has a group of friends and is involved in lots of activities including horse-riding, running and piano. She really is a fantastic young lady, but she is so unhappy.

She tries to hide it, and is very good at fake smiles, but I can see through it and often at night she cries herself to sleep. In August she self-harmed and ended up cutting her wrist rather deep and worked with CAMHS, which seemed to help. She has stopped self-harming, as far as I can tell, and is seeing the school counsellor weekly, school have no worries and describe her as a model pupil, but I just know she's unhappy and I don't know what to do.

I have tried to talk to her, but she puts on her fake smile and acts like life is perfect. She is hiding her negative emotions from me. I just want her to be happy, she deserves to be so much, and I worry she'll hurt herself again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

oh poor her and poor you.
She must be so uncertain and afraid. Assuming this is what you want, can you just keep telling her that your home is her home for ever, that you would like to be mum #2, that she never has to leave... etc etc.
Terribly difficult for all of you. I suspect she needs mega reassurance that she can stay with you despite the fact her dad isn't there any more.

Thanks

I do try and make sure she knows she's loved and wanted here. We often have some snuggles and hot chocolate on the sofa. I want her to feel safe and secure here, but I know that's hard for her because she's had a lot of upheaval in her life. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything happy for her.

I've also recently started a new relationship and am worried that when I tell her (it's early days yet) she will react badly. She's just so fragile at the moment.

I will keep reassuring her and make extra effort to ensure she knows how special and loved she is. It's her birthday next week so I'm praying her dad at least sends a card or she'll be crushed.

You sound such a wonderful person. Realistically she may not hear from her father. If you remain her constant at least she has one person she can rely on. Realistically you may not make everything better now but she will be positively affected by your relationship with Her. Bless her heart. So much to deal with at such a young age. Please carry on being there for her. I'm sure you will. I have a child the same age. I can't imagine him having to deal with so much.

Hi Op

Sorry to hear about your SD, you mentioned that she sees a school counsellor which is good. I liaise with the child protection team at my school who can pass on any worries picked up around school about any clients I might be seeing.

The team knows I won't discuss my clients or subjects of sessions but if you ask for a meeting or phone in and let them know your concerns, they may very well be able to pass on the information.
We may not be able to directly bring in the info to a session but there are ways we can work around that to gauge a reaction and possibly open a dialogue, especially if we judge it as a concern.

Normally the kids will have been briefed before counselling starts to what we may have to report with regards to child protection concerns. They also know that we cannot do this without their permission first or unless it is a real emergency.
It might be worth thinking about this route or even gently opening talking to her In a quiet moment over a hot chocolate and a cake etc

What legal agreements are in place for her to be living with you?

Ah Starfishie...I just had to stop and say, I feel your concern and you are doing everything you can - just keep doing what you are doing. Your story resonates with me a little because my adopted DD (9) has been through so much. I think the hardest thing I've had to learn in becoming her mum is that I can't make everything right and perfect for her, however much I want to. Accepting that, and not trying to make up completely for or cover up the shortcomings of others in her life has made me a better parent. Being the constant, as the others said, will make the most difference. But also being a great role model for the woman she could one day be - which means respecting your own needs, taking care of yourself, letting yourself not be perfect all the time. Maybe she feels she has to be perfect/'successful'/kind and perhaps she needs to know she will be loved whatever she does - even encouraged to be selfish sometimes and put herself first.
I think you might need to be open with her about your new relationship, as the fear of losing you to a new man if she works out what's going on without you saying might be really destabilising - you'll be the judge of when that is - but maybe she could meet him in a relaxed way and know that he's not a threat.
Just thoughts really I hope they help - but you are doing great just being there for her. [hugs]

Of course she is unhappy, her family is all messed up!

You are doing everything you can and are being brilliant with her, but I suspect at some level she feels like unless she is perfect in any way you will 'go off' her and she will be dumped back on her parents.

I don't think there is anything you can do overnight, I wouldn't try to get her to talk, but offer plenty of opportunities where you are listening if she does appear to want to open up at all.

And maybe (I don't know if this will work but it might do) show a little of your vulnerability to her - talk calmly but honestly about how her father's actions make you feel, about your fears that you can't help her when she is feeling unhappy (without pressuring her to reassure you in any way), etc. Perhaps seeing you express your unease about some things in a healthy way might help model a way she can express her own feelings without exploding.

Tough situation you have, but it is clear that you are approaching it with love and concern, so I hope you will be able to make it work for both of you.

x post with meanderer - she put it so much better than me!

Thank you for the support and lovely words everybody

I think you're right about her trying to be perfect all the time because she's scared of being abandoned if she isn't. Her dad's god knows where, her mum has basically rejected her, and she isn't her biological mother she's just the only mother she has ever known so she probably feels rejected by her birth mother as well. That is a lot of rejection :(

I will talk to her school more and let them know she is struggling so they can at least keep a closer eye on her and I'll try and talk to her about how worried I am (it's just difficult because I worry i'll make things worse for her)

She already knows my new bf as we were friends first so he's been around most of the time I've known my step-daughter, I just need to think of how to introduce him as more than a friend.

I have no legal arrangement in place chipping (other than still being married to her father), her dad just left and she stayed with me (going to her mum was never an option). Will this be a difficulty? I realise he could turn back up and take her, though if he did i'd probably have to call social services because I doubt he'd be in a fit state to care for her

If it was me I wouldn't introduce the friend as your bf at all yet, it's far too soon after her Dad left - she's probably still hoping he'll come back and you can be a family again :( I would start to make sure she understands that isn't going to happen, no matter what so that when you do introduce him as your bf he doesn't get the blame. Not because I don't think he can shoulder it, but so that DD isn't 'angry' about it and so that she has a positive role model in her life.

Secondly I would go and see a solictor and see what you can do about getting a formal arrangement in place for her to be with you. IMO you need to be made her legal guardian for several reasons - for school permission slips/educational decisions, for any medical care she might need, to stop her father taking her away but most importantly so that you can tell her that she will always be with you, that you are now her Mum, that this is now her home - forever and always. Right now you cannot tell her that, because it's not within your power to do so.

I agree with previous posters, it is very important that you put steps in place to become her legal guardian, for her protection. It is also much too soon to introduce her to a boyfriend. She might feel that you are betraying both her dad and herself.

Model for her that it's ok to be imperfect. Tell her when you've done something silly or stupid. If you treat her unfairly, apologise. Does she ever misbehave? If you have suitable stories, share with her any naughty stuff you got up to at her age. Tell her how you were punished and stress that your parents still loved you regardless.

What do you say to her about where her dad is and why he disappeared? She must feel totally rejected and it will have a massive impact on her self esteem.

Make sure you convey to her that you appreciate her for who she is, rather than for what she achieves. It's so natural to say to a child "Wow you won your race, I'm so proud of you!" but that implies that you wouldn't have been proud of her if she hadn't won. Rather praise the effort she put in: "You practiced really hard for this recital DD and it paid off. I bet that feels good? Well done!"

That's a fair amount of abandonment for a 12 year old to have gone through in her short life.

I think if I were you I would discuss with her how she would feel about 'securing' her living arrangement with you. If she is happy about this then you can start to look into how to make it a permanent arrangement which should then also start to allow her to feel more secure and settled with you and will also help relieve anxieties on her part that you might change your mind and abandon her also.

I would hesitate at introducing your friend as a new BF at the moment as this could, as others have said cause further issues for her.

I would maintain communication with both the school and her counsellor, letting them know your thoughts on how she is coping / managing. Even though she isn't presenting with issues at school it is good they are kept informed of your view of how she is doing. It is also hugely important that she has someone / safe place to go to talk if she ever needs and that could be the school or some kind of specialist youth services.

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of loving and caring for her and I would just continue with this letting her know that you are there for her whenever she needs you be that now or tomorrow.

Best of luck to you, it won't be easy for her I'm sure but with you on her side it's going to be a whole lot better.

Good point chipping also I think of you get a special guardianship order she wil then be entitled to pupil premium money which the scho could put to good use.
How lucky she is to have you.

He didn't acknowledge / remember her birthday, she was so upset. It was heartbreaking

Poor kid :(

starfish you sound amazing and your step daughter is very lucky to have you. I have a few suggestions for you though

1. do not introduce new bf for some significant time
2. talk to her, explain to her that it is ok to be hurt and sad and thay you love her regardless
3. assuming everyone involves knows her dad has buggered off without a trace then can you legally apply to social services or court or whoever for a custody order with the potential to adopt her so that whatever happens you both have the security?
4. keep telling her she is loved and wanted as it will help

good luck

Starfish Your poor SD. Reading your post has brought a tear to my eye. She is lucky to have such a caring step mum. It must be so hard for a little girl to have had such rejection from her parents.
My DD 11 has had a rocky relationship with her Dad and SM letting her down and walking away and coming back. Its so sad to see them shouldering it and sucking it up.All we can do is be there and do everything to reassure them that you will always be there and they will always be loved and safe and have a home.
Good luck to you both

Wow... this sounds difficult, but well done to you for supporting her.
Try to get some time alone with her, maybe go shopping or a girly day out, possibly without her sister to make it special. Whilst doing an activity with her, she may feel more comfortable to open up our share her feelings with you.

Sounds like she's lucky to have you op.