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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

12 yr old DS constantly calling me rude names

17 replies

guernsey1976 · 29/12/2013 00:31

Yr 7 thinks he is older than he is very moody, starting to smell different usual signs of puberty & the attitude is appalling. Walking on eggshells too scared to ask questions like what he would like for supper, how school was as the attitude and flying off the handle are bad!! I am an a hole all the time a bellend you name it never mum, I get the middle finger all the time he hates me wishes I was dead really anti me, whereas his dad doesn't get it as bad maybe as ive always been the stricter parent? He is an only child so wonder is it us? Have we made him like this. His behaviour out and at school is not a problem just in the home does anyone have any ideas or tips as to stop WW3 everyday. He can attack me too and is very strong I am scared that he will hurt me badly.

OP posts:
Rosencrantz · 29/12/2013 00:52

So what are the punishments when he is rude?

Original poster
guernsey1976 · 29/12/2013 01:01

Ipad gets taken away or ps3 controllers confiscated. The swearing/name calling is pretty constant towards me. I will say to him why do you talk to me like that I get"because I can". Sadly his father is pretty weak whenit comes to discipline so when DS kicks off DH says nothing or is at work or in the office so doesn't seeit and if he is out he will say nothing as he wasn't there so not his argument? !

OP posts:
Rosencrantz · 29/12/2013 02:23

You son is exactly right, he can talk to you like that because you let let him.

The only response from now on should be zero tolerance, harshest punishment you can think of, no relenting. You're going to have to be a firm united front. Obviously the current punishment isn't 'hurting' your son enough to make him change.

Best of luck, I know how hard this can be. You need DH on your side though, or you're fighting a losing battle. Thanks

Cerisier · 29/12/2013 05:17

Video any outbursts on your phone for DH and get him on board. You need consistent parenting to nip this in the bud.

Our teens have never sworn at us as we would go ballistic. You need to toughen up and get some fury going and decide on punishments- then follow through with them.

Original poster
guernsey1976 · 29/12/2013 10:50

I know I need to be harsher but always seems to be doing the discipline DH doesn't want to get involved? I am worried as the aggression is bad towards me I have said to DH who is a lot older than me that when DS is 15-16 he will be bigger and I won't be able to control him DH will be too old to help!

He shuts himself away too so going to his room wouldn't be a punishment, he is spoilt as an only child its our fault.

DH has another child from a previous who he never sees the ex ran off with the new boyfriend and took DH son and that child grew up believing the BF was his dad thats another story but I really think DH is like he is with our son because of the fact that his older son wasn't part of his life growing up and he is making up for it with DS?

Feel like I am fighting a constant battle and I have no one to help me :-(

OP posts:
HedgehogsRevenge · 29/12/2013 11:29

Well your DH sounds useless and is doing your ds no favours. That kind of disrespect would have me raging. I think you need to introduce far harsher punishments as what you have been doing clearly isn't working. So for example I'd tell him the next time he speaks to me like that the PSP or whatever is important to him will be going in the bin, not just confiscated for a day or two. Any pocket money, clubs you pay for etc would be stopped permanantly.
You really need to have a serious chat with your dh though, all kids need boundaries. The aggression is worrying and needs nipped in the bud now. He needs told that it is absolutely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

MrsSteptoe · 29/12/2013 11:39

You've absolutely got to get your DH on board. It's essential. While he continues to be all milk and water and letting you do the heavy lifting, nothing will change. I do realise that it's easy for me to say and hard for you to do. Does your DH realise that he's effectively hanging you out to dry with an increasingly aggressive DS? What I'm trying to get at is - does your DH understand, but he's choosing to ignore it and not change, or do you think there's a possibility that DH just hasn't grasped the importance of presenting a united front?

Original poster
guernsey1976 · 29/12/2013 13:27

I can't seem to get through to him its weird when I talk to him he nods and agrees but its like he is doing it to appease me because he hates being told or hates me "going on"! Will weather the storm thanks ladies :-)

OP posts:
80sdrummer · 29/12/2013 13:37

Agree you need your DH on board.

Stop putting up with it - confiscate anything that he likes if he behaves like that.

No screen time at all.

I'd even go as far as to take the door of his room, and leave him only with a bed and wardrobe and books if it escalates.

You really need to put in strong boundaries.

Original poster
guernsey1976 · 29/12/2013 16:18

I know I should but when you have 2 v 1 and it's all the time day in day out and you have absolutely no support its mentally draining but you are right.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 29/12/2013 16:24

Op I'm a single mum with two boys, one who is 12
He has the attitude, the swearing etc and can get pretty feisty at times. This is what happens in my house:
He gets a warning
Then he gets the controllers taken away, for at least a couple if days
Then if the attitude isn't changing, the Xbox and/games get taken away
He gets them back slowly, so he once had only age 12 and under games for a week, then I let him have the other older games back one by one
I'm really strict, and he knows that I will do what I say
I know that I'll get backlash, but it's surprising how he can control that when he knows it's just making the return if his things take longer.

You can do it. Don't be afraid of the tantrum. He needs to know you mean business. He wouldn't talk to his teacher like that would he? So he CAN control it

DollyTwat · 29/12/2013 16:26

Oh and op, stop arguing with him. Make a decision and walk away. Say you've made a decision that's not up for discussion. Ignore all the back chat.

That has really helped me, not to engage with any arguments

ProphetOfDoom · 29/12/2013 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
guernsey1976 · 29/12/2013 20:16

We have had help through CAMHS as his aggression has been for a few years however it had calmed down they pretty much said it was due to dh and I notbeing on the same page with discipline. DH has been told he was also advised to attend 14 week 123 magic parenting class which he did but just does not take anything on board. No there is no one to talk to family wise dh mum is sick with cancer and my parents know nothing of what is going on I don't want to involve anyone as living where we live there are too many nosey horrible people who would rather gossip and be nasty than help. So I have no one apart from DH who appears to live in la la land! I know I need to be stronger.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 29/12/2013 21:50

Op your school will have a parent co-ordinate that can help you. They can't gossip to other people, it's not professional. I've had help from mine, I fact I took all the help I was offered. I got moral support for me, which was what I needed (exh only ever criticises me) and I got a male mentor for ds1. Was only for a set number of weeks, but after one particularly aggressive incident they all came to my house and did some straight talking to him

Reach out and get the help that's there op

Original poster
guernsey1976 · 29/12/2013 23:07

I have told him that if he ever takes out his frustration and anger on me again I will call the Police! The teacher who does Pastoral Care at his school has helped ironically as he was being bullied which was reflected in his behaviour at home he eventually broke down and told me will see how the NY unfolds and will go back to GP if nothing changes!!

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 30/12/2013 00:17

God for you op

Make sure you get your gp on side, the gp can access all the help you need. This might spur your dh into stepping up too
I think it's mostly an age thing, but, he needs to know who's boss now

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