Lovely. DS1 just told me to 'F off' and slammed the front door in my face over a rugby top.

[grants1000]

He's 11 in Y7. So he reckons he will get a detention. I have no idea where the top is, he brings it home, I wash it and put it in the basket of sports stuff on top of the washing mashine so it's ready for the next time. His tirade of gobbyness and lack of self responsibility is just too much, I feel upset.

DS1 can't find his PE shorts either.
DH can't find his car key despite it being by his keys and wallet.

If I hear "Where's my ..... ? One more time I am going to flip.

Thats my world too- ever more so now that I am on maternity leave (looking after a demanding 10 week old) and now being expected to 'know' where every single item of clothing is in the house.

DS1 is 13 and in year 8- he has been gobby but I then confiscate his phone/ipad and xbox until he apologises and his attitude improves (generally takes about 3/4 days.

I can never make up my mind whether I want to rage or cry when mine do this. •offers hand•
I'm sure you've found an appropriate consequence for him, but I understand the upset.

If my ds told me to f off a detention from school would feel like a holiday.
He needs a short sharp shock a a lesson in respect for his mother!

As Celia said.
Don't feel upset, feel enraged and have a consequence for that specific example of dreadful behaviour. He shouldn't be lashing out at you because something has gone wrong.

I would say 'I don't know - where is your x...?' and wait patiently for the punchline...

DH got me up to look for something he found in his workshop.

I never go in his workshop, how is it my problem.

As for lippy Y7s, I practice instant go to your room with Y8 DD2.

She hasn't yet pushed it to no gadgets/taxi service, she's not that daft. (It's very useful living in the middle of nowhere, she can't storm of to a friends and she doesn't much like being on her own. I used to storm off on my bike)

I know this is probably McCheesy in the extreme, but I heard this the other day and found it helped: 'his behaviour towards me does not define who I am'

I am getting really upset by my 7 year old's verbal abuse at the moment and I think it's because in my heart of hearts I think
a) Its because I've been a crap mum and/or
b) Dear God, how is he going to make his way in the world if he behaves like that

So I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one!! Take a deep breath, count to ten...

My stock answers are 'in the usual place', 'wherever you left it', or to offer helpful searching advice such as 'usual place dear?', 'under the fridge?' And my all time favourite 'we'll fetch me my crystal ball and I'll have a look'

I am a sarky one though sometimes

Wrt to being sworn at. Straight to room/naughty step for DD or DH.

Why are you even thinking about the "where's my...." thing. Why aren't you outraged and furious and deciding what to do about the "Fuck off" and the slammed door?

You have my sympathy because I'm also Tourist Information in our house. No one appears to know where anything is except me. I've got a DD in year 7 and if she dared to speak to me like this I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. I understand your son is coming to terms with Secondary School and its routines and procedures but no way does that excuse his language. He needs to understand that it is unacceptable to speak to you in that way regardless of what he is unable to find.

I would be raging about the "fuck off" and the missing rugby top would be least of his concerns when he got home.

Yes, I'd be so focused on the Fuck off, the whereabouts of the ruby top wouldn't get a lookin

If mine had said that to me they would be grounded and have all electrical gadgetry confiscated for a week.

However - year 7 is a very stressful and difficult time. They seem to have so much more stuff to manage.

Everyone in my house is fairly disorganised so we have a basket system: all items are repatriated promptly to the owners room in a laundry basket and placed on their bed. This includes school books, p.e.bags, clean washing, homework, any other item not in actual use.

IME anything left in communal areas for longer than a couple of hours tends to get "borrowed" or lost.

The individual is responsible for the further sorting, putting away or repacking of all items from the point of said items being deposited on their bed.

It does save a lot of trouble.

my mums response was hanging on a hair under my arm!! DS is only 11 months but I'm sure I will use it one day!!

So what is going to be his punishment dished put by you and his dad together?

*out

I agree, if my 13yo DS1 spoke to me like, that detention would be the very least of his worries.

With regard to missing kit, if he asks the night before when I have time to help, I will gladly help show him it's where he left it . At 8:30 on the morning he needs it, not a chance, you're on your own DS1. He has been known to get out of bed in the middle of the night to get his bag ready for the next day, on the rare occasions he forgets (I did remind him to begin with but it's just routine now)

Thanks all, it's the balance of helping with the new challenges of secondary school but taking no shit in the process.

As soon as he got home he was sheepish, he said he was sorry after I gave him a snack and hard stared at him with my arms crossed. He said he just felt so frustrated that he is doing great with organising his school bag and being organised with that, the missing rugby top flipped him over the edge and he felt like I was getting at him too much. So we have decided together, I will sort his sports kit and he will do his school bag for the time being, with secondary school being new etc.

We also have a code word of 'boomerang' which we both say which means to the other person 'back off or I'll flip" It's something I saw on a Dr Phil (USA) programme a while back, designed to make you stop when you are too caught up in the moment of madness, you both stop, walk away and regroup. It works, 90% of the time. You can use any word you want, just a word you both know.

He lost of his electronics for a three days.

He's dyslexic, and although I/he does not use this as an excuse for being hobby, it's how for him his frustration comes out, I said he needs to think of other ways to release the tension he can feel, I swim and also plug in headphones with acid house music joke loud on the cross trainer. He said he quite fancied a drum kit!

I think tough love and soft love are needed at this time!

(He's lost his locker key, for the 7th time, don't get me started!!!!!!!!)

If he was mine it would have been a clip round the ear.

I wouldnt want all this nicey nice rubbish.

You seem really sensible and on top of things - your boy is lucky to have been met with calm and understanding.

I sympathise with the permanent lost property... Finding out my husband was dyslexic explained a lot - not being great at organising in advance, always being late because his wallet/keys/anything else was missing in action. Losing stuff, and knowing it's essentially your fault, is frustrating, Lists seem to work well. It might be worth having a checklist by your son's bed or similar?