Devastated at photos and texts on DD phone. What to do now?

[kezza1973]

This is my first post and I am beside myself. My shy and quiet 13yo DD (only by a matter of days) stays away occasionally with dad and family. I've discovered she is texting a boy known by the family. The texts read like a porno movie. I'm talking intimate details about what they would do and how. I read the whole thread of the conversation and wanted to be sick when I saw the pictures of their 'parts' sent to each other.
I have her phone and she does not know yet I have seen these texts. My first response is to throw her phone on the fire or in the river, ban all computer use and ground her forever. I know this is unreasonable but how do I get through to her? We have had many conversations about internet safety and the danger of photos etc. How do approach this? She is an intelligent girl and knows it must be wrong. I've read other 'sexting' posts and know from her friends this seems to happen regularly. I am dreading her visiting her dad again. I know things are different now, I was still playing with dolls when I was 13. But I do not accept this as being normal. At all.

Hi Kezza. I have no advice but didnt want to not respond as this is my big fear. It has happened to a couple of my friends with their dd facebook accounts and to one friend who doesnt yet know about her daughters double x rated messages (we know through seeing it via another facebook account and yet cant tell her).

Its a nightmare, but not unusual from what I hear. It seems as if it is as much the nice quiet girls/boys whose parents would genuinely never think it of them that are as much involved.

I dread it with mine.

Why are you more worried about her doing it at her dads. From what I hear from friends with children at High School it is often done at school on each others phones, or on facebook (on accounts parents don't seem to know about) etc.

My friend read out some of what another friends dd had written (and her parents aren't even aware of her fb account) and it was so bad we couldnt say some of it. It must have come straight out of a porn movie but she certainly didnt see it at home!!

My son is way too young for this, so feel free to tell me i'm wide of the mark but I'd:

-forward the photos to your phone, so you still have them as evidence
-Sit her down and tell her that you've seen the photos
-Say that you understand that X is a family friend, and that is a mutual activity between the two of them (so not coersion) but what steps has she taken to stop him publishing these online if they split up / he decides he doesn't like you? It might danw on her what she's done.

For now, I would give her a phone with no internet or camera, so she can still contact you when she's at her dad's. I would also be having a conversation with the boy's parents about this, possibly before the one with your daughter, so she can't warn the boy before his parents find out and give him time to delete photos.

I'd be more concerned, I think, if this was your DD and someone over the internet unknown to you, or coersive in some way, but however she wants to express herself to him, however pornographic the language, she needs to understand that she can't control photos or text once she's sent them to someone else; in this case, I'd be more concerned about him having such photos of her than about the language she's using, presuming his language is as explicit as hers.

How will she react knowing that you have been going through her phone?

I'm guessing badly so don't tell her you did...

Have lots if casual chats with her about relationships and consent and see etc. Not a big deal, just so she knows you can be open about this. Also casually mention how you saw this awful news story about sexting and pictures ending up on line...

Also chat to her about staying safe online, and Facebook privacy, and once something is in digital form it will never ever ever go away.

Don't have a go at her. Just make sure she has the tools and knowledge to make the right decisions, and that she can always come to you and you will always support her.

For gods sake don't forward the photos to your phone. They are child porn albeit home made and it is very illegal to possess them.
Delete. Contact parents of boy and get them to delete too.

Have you told her dad what's been happening? He needs to know so that he can help to ensure this stops.

you also need really to inform the parents of this boy. They need to know what's happening so that they can have a talk with him too.

And you and her dad need to talk to her about safety. About what can happen to texts and pictures that she sends - they could end up on the net, seen by school friends, etc.

I think conversation with her is the best place to start. I don't have a teen yet but am actually only in my 20's and have teen siblings.

She will be mortified you've seen the texts. But you must confront this.

Sit her down alone, and explain you've seen them. Say you are upset by it and explain many adults have been caught out by things like this. (Google Kim Kardashian if you dare). Explain the legal implications of things like this too. She most likely won't know anything about the seriousness of it.

My mum taught my a good rule of thumb - if you're doing something you'd be embarrassed by your mum finding out - ok.
But if you'd be ashamed then you know you've gone too far.

I'd monitor any and all internet access (so laptop, ipod touch, phone etc) and I would also speak to the boys parents.

It might seem extreme to you, but I'd also be tempted to ask someone to speak to her in a professional capacity. There is alot of great help out there for young people.

Hope you're ok OP.

Try looking at this site - CEOPS - it's one that was recommended to us when ds's school organised a talk by the local police about online safety. It's got all sorts of info on it - lots of it aimed at strangers grooming youngsters but also about sexting each other and how to deal with it.

apparently there's also a magazine that vodaphone have done that was good but I haven't actually got around to looking at it yet - google vodaphone digital parenting magazine to find it.

I'd also say - you say she is an intelligent girl so knows it must be wrong.... but actually, whilst it is obvious to you and me that it is wrong, it doesn't necessarily follow that it is obvious to a child that it is wrong. If 'all' their friends are doing it, it's something that will have become seen as a normal thing to do and they might fear being seen as not normal for not doing it. They certainly won't have thought through the bigger issue of what happens to those photos once they have been sent on - she might think that she has only shared them with one person but actually how does she know that he hasn't saved them elsewhere and shared them with everyone he knows - and that those people have then shared them on widely too. The best she can hope for is that her face isn't in them and her name doesn't get attached to them...

Can you speak to the other parents and get them to talk to the son and make sure that all photos (and all saved copies from everywhere if possible) get deleted? If it is a family friend and a mutual thing, it doesn't sound like you want to get the police involved if say bullying was involved or a stranger - apologies if I have made the wrong assumption.

I would also talk to the school - maybe not the specifics about your dd and friend - but make sure that they are getting the local police specialist in to talk to the kids (I know they do it around here for schools, needs to be done several times though as what is appropriate to be discussing with a 7 year old is different from a 10 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old etc).

OMG. She is 13 and is taking pictures of herself (you know what I am saying) and sending it to someone? The texts are bad enough but this is horrific.

is she doing this of her own free will? What has taught her that this is anyway normal? Would she do it in 'real life'?

the school does indeed need to help to teach kids some self-respect. Meantime take the actions above, take away the smartphone and give her one that only calls and texts.

good luck.

There is a tragic you tube video by Amanda Michelle Todd before she committed suicide that is one of the most powerful things I have seen and you should watch, then poss share with your dd if you think she can deal with it, or tell her about it. I am going to use it with my 2 girls when they are old enough as they need to understand the lack of control over Internet images they have,

Don't forward them to your phone!!

That would be utterly stupid- what if the other child's mother decided to call the police, and they find you have the photos too? Possessing indecent images of children is a crime , for whatever reason, no excuses or explanations.

Deal with it as you see fit and then destroy the phone.

She's a child and she needs to be protected. If you delete the images, you have no evidence and you are, technically, destroying evidence of a crime.

You haven't said how old the boy is?

OMG! My worst nightmare.

I read something written by a teacher friend today which really rang true for me: When asked by parents what age is appropriate for a tween/teen to have a smart phone the response was "when you're prepared for them to access porn".

As mentioned above, the over-riding feeling I get from what I've read is that she needs protecting. I would remove any phone with internet/camera capability and get researching, together, on the dangers of the internet. No scare tactics, just the facts, in a non-judgmental way so that she knows she can come to you in future.

kezza

Thank you for posting this ... Made me have a little niggle and so decided to check my DS ( 12 nearly 13 ) messages ... To my utter horror he has been messaging an older girl ( 15) at school pretty graphic messages ... She has been messaging back and there have also been photos ... I'm beyond upset - we check his phone and iPad regularly and have had all the big talks, I couldn't be more upset, but so pleased I found out ... So thanks for sharing .. Can't believe it, I'm in shock, disappointed , angry ...