Very sad 12 year old :(

[cordyroy]

Hello I'm new on the site and looking for a little advice to help my daughter. She's 12 and has always been a bright, bubbly popular girl interested in lots of things. I know she's heading toward the teenage years and hormones are running riot but i'm so worried about her. She is becoming quite withdrawn and really teary for no specific reason. She's staying up really late reading (despite me repeatedly turning off the light!) She doesn't want to go to school but says there is nothing happening there that is upsetting her. She started secondary school in September and although she's made a few friends that she talks about she hasn't wanted to invite anybody back home or arrange meet ups on the weekend. She's also a bit of a hypochondriac and constantly complaining of pains and issues (yet regularly bouncing around too!!)
It's probably a pre menstrual phase that will pass but it's so hard seeing her so upset......any advice would be gratefully received!!

Hi, I havnt got an older child, my boy is two. However, I felt teary and sad a lot when I was 12. I think it's a very difficult age, with moving schools, friend troubles, body changes etc. you sound like you can talk to her, which is good. I would let her read, it may be her way of relaxing and escaping so to speak.
There may be things going on with friends at school. it was a big thing to me to be liked, as I was quite shy.
Do you think getting her into a new hobby/ sport type activity would help? I would give her a focus and something to feel good about.
I know I lacked confidence at that age, certainly can make people feel down. Or take her our and just do mum and daughter type things, or just a girly night with a DVD, makeup , face masks and do each others hair?

thanks so much for your reply, It is such a hard time with so much to cope with. We do have a good relationship but I too have a two year old boy who does demand a fair amount of attention. I'm sure a little more mummy time would help things no end

thanks again for your perspective

Fi

Yeah we had this with our eldest who turned 12 late last year, it sounds very much like hormones, mine has these pains on and off and some months, she started at 11, some days the pain is too much for her.

Have you asked her whats wrong? Maybe get her to write a list of things she would like to do as a family, with you (maybe a cinema jaunt) I know my eldest loved it when we went to see street dance without her youngest sister.
If she says school is ok i would go along with it, but I don't know, to rule it out you could maybe have a small chat with her form tutor, and just check. Maybe she is worried about small aspects of school, a lesson she might be struggling with?

mine loves us baking, and also she has got into the sewing and designing lately which we do together.

Hope things turn around there, its very unsettling for us to see them like it. x

Thank you t875, it is so hard to see her upset. I did have a chat with her form tutor today and there doesn't seem to be any issue at school, quite the opposite really. She's always been quite a high flyer at school and I'm not sure her pride would let her have too much of a wobble at school - maybe that's why she falls apart so much at home.

I think the suggestion of more time together doing things (without the terrorising toddler) will help no end. More hours in the day are needed!!

Thanks for your comments x

No problem! Good luck!

I Just have the pmt power struggles! Lol. They are another level! But we're working on that. Drives me spare at points.

I know she doesn't know what she's saying but my word it's hard sometimes to be understanding!!
Just played cards with her funilly enough pontoon! Forget about all the classic card games. Loved them when I was younger!

My daughter started comprehensive school in September. She was lucky to have her four lovely friends in her tutor group, but it's seriously gone down hill since then. They have all started being so nasty to eachother (my daughter included). She is still trying to hold her head up high but over the last couple of months it feels like we've only had 5/6 days which have been totally settled.I know this is different from your concerns though. I don't know whether it's hormones, finding their niche in a new school or their age, but it hasn't been very pleasant.

My daughter is making friends with other girls (which is positive) and we've had two back. One was really relaxed, but there wasn't much conversation with the other girl, so it may be a case of your daughter liking other girls but still getting to know them. Would she be interested in having two at once, or perhaps going to the cinema or bowling (purely as a one off as it gets expensive) to help a little. My friend's son doesn't want new friends back as he reckons their homes are a lot bigger than his with all the latest consoles and thinks they won't like him when they see where he lives. This is obviously something that's concerning him. They've had a lot to adjust to with settling into a new school as well. My daughter gets a lot of homework and sometimes it's research on things that haven't been done in class and we haven't got a clue.

I think all we can do is be there for them. If there's anything fun you can do as a family in the evenings or weekends, that will certainly help as it does us all good to have some fun and forget about everything. Hope things work themselves out soon.

She sounds within normal to me. Just keep the channels of communication open so that she knows she can bring you her problems.

if you're still worried try youngminds.org

Thanks so much for your comments, sorry to hear your daughter is having a tricky time too Madmog, I wouldn't be a teenager again for anything!!!!

Think it will just be a slow process and as suggested, main thing is to keep the communication going.

x

Cordyroy, this sounds just like what I am going through with DD who is Nearly 12. Just had an hour of tears, saying she doesn't want to go to school, she just can't stand it but can't say why. She has just had a bit of a falling out with a long standing friend but insists it isn't that, she wants to be homeschooled or move to private school but untold her problems happen at all schools and private school is well out of our budget. The other day she admitted to lying about feeling ill to get off school.She can't say what is upsetting her but we have noticed moods and they seem to build over a 5 week period. She has not started periods yet but is developing quickly so we think that's the basic cause and everything is just getting a bit much for her.it is so hard seeing them upset, good luck.

Thanks Cezzy, sorry to hear your daughter is struggling too. I do think that hormones combined, with moving to secondary school is such an overwhelming combination. lets hope we'll eventually come through this rocky phase relatively unscathed!!!

I have 2 dds. One 15 and one nearly 12. The first year of secondary was difficult for dd1 and its repeating itself for dd2.

I think its mostly hormonal. once dd2 got regular periods she was less emotional. im hoping dd2 will be the same. she cries, is angry and annoyed upset and happy often in the space of an hour! its exhausting for everyone. i describe it as a very long pmt time, and feel quite sorry for her.

excuse typing on phone but hope that reassures you.

I think it is very common for girls to get a bit like this at that age. Hormones, new school etc. I will PM you a link to a website I run - we had a young girl write about starting secondary school, and she had some great advice. It might be good for your DD to read, to realise that all the other girls are feeling exactly the same, but they might just be hiding it better.

All I would say is that i have been through this with two of my four DC, and the answer that 'nothing is happening/wrong at school' is in my experience a compete lie, I'm sorry to say . That is a pretty standard answer when they don't want to tell/can't put it into words/don't want to make matters worse etc etc etc. My DD spent two terms last year giving that answer, but being teary, staying up late and sleepless before school, mild 'illnesses' like headache, sore tummy etc to avoid school. School were contacted, they monitored, and reported back that everything was fine, 'quite the opposite', Dd seemed happy and in thick of it in class and so on. Eventually I took DD out for the afternoon, and put my arm around her somewhere and said 'I'm not daft, I know there's something up, I'm certain its at school, and if you don't feel able to tell me then I can't help you deal with it, and I'd like to, because I can see its making you sad'. Then I said NOTHING, just waited and waited for her to say something. Then it started to slide out, slowly at first. Four girls making her life hell, out of sight of everyone else, and she was too afraid of them to ask for help. The school had no idea. Once they were alerted, they monitored again, and caught the little darlings red handed.

It takes a long long time for some children to articulate the problem because they feel so oppressed by it. But I'm sorry, I would not put this down to hormones. Your instinct says she's unhappy, and I am sure you are right.

That happened to a friend of mine - her DD didn't tell her for ages that she was being bullied and controlled by her 'best friend'. I think the way you handled it was very good.

I think the afternoon out may be an idea, thanks. MmeLindor, could I have details of the website too please?

Have PMed you, Cezzy.

My daughter is 12 and has become so moody, if you say the wrong thing to her she storms off in a huff saying that no one cares about her..i try to do stuff with her but it always ends up with us falling out..also I met someone new so I've been seeing him for about 6 months now but we include her in lots of things and I also realise that I need to spend time with her & she needs to adjust to the 2 of us now becoming a 3 but the tantrums are horrendous. ..she refuses to get up out of bed...totally blanks me yet 10 mins later can be do happy n loving.....i suggested to her that if she was so unhappy with me she could move to her dad's whom she doesn't see very often due to him working etc & she accused me of not wanting her anymore...i don't know what to do..i don't want to lose my partner over her...just because of her moodiness..and I hate her being so unhappy n moody but she won't talk to me...she has no friends at school & always seems to phone me at breaks which I'm trying to stop so she can make friends. ..i have spoke to her teacher an they've helped a bit...but I need help at home...she also has such a busy after school life with various activities so its not like shes sitting on the house all the time but she can go from happy n loving to sad n huffy in a nano second any suggestions would be so appreciated

Hey cordroy my 12 year old is the same it's hard I am looking for help for her