10 nearly 11 yo DS - temper & moods

[grants1000]

He flies off the handle at the slightest thing, in fact a bit like a toddler, he won't listen, he takes ages to calm down, he freaks basically. I am on here now as he is flipping his lid about getting ready for Scouts as he does not want to go as he's now had enough time on his X-Box, which we agree he can go on after homework and tea. I did not get any Cheerios either today as I for got and freak central, shouting, slamming doors. You can't reason, talk or do anything with him. Everything is so unfair/not correct etc etc When he is punished eg:P taking away x-box or ipod he will go on and and on about it, won't shut up about it, keeps on pecking in me and DH, I had to leave the house on Sunday as I was going to go insane.

What is this? The beginning of puberty? What can we do?

[Sparklingbrook]

The worst thing for me is that I have done it before with DS1, but I don't remember this bit. It was only 2 years ago. DS2 is making DS1 look like a very mature teenager.

[MrRected]

Oooh can I join. My DS1 is 11.5 and is driving me nuts.

He is moody, morose, doesn't want to join in anything the family does and loves to control all situations. He pushes everybody's buttons for no reason at all and generally makes the whole house tense. I am, to be honest, at the end of my tether.

DH is not at all patient and tries to take the disciplinarian tack - which just causes more discord (him and DS are ALWAYS at loggerheads).

I have tried everything - talking to him, walking with him, restricting him, loving him, crying, ignoring him and nothing seems to work.

Not sure if it's relevant but DS is particularly tall for his age - he is nearly 6 foot with a size 12 shoe. He grew 17cms last year and is still growing at more than a cm a month. His voice has broken and he has undearm hair/moustache is appearing...

We love him more than anything but he is determined to make us work hard for every scrap he sends our way....

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

I've got one of those except he is 9. Tall though and everyone thinks he's 11. Combined with 14 year old DD who wants to go off and live in the garage (I don't feel like this is my home, dramatic pause, you are emotionally damageing me with your stress) plus a mother in the process of being diagnosed with dementia , I feel like running away for some peace.

[Sparklingbrook]

Can I ask everyone a question? What do the Grandparents make of all this? MY DF especially thinks DS2's behaviour is appalling and constantly asks me what I am going to do about it, and that he's getting away with it.

DF was a massive disciplinarian and DB and I wouldn't have dreamt of stepping out of line.

[lottie63]

Oh I have an 11 year old DD. it's no easier. We have:

-That's SO unfair
-whaaaatt?!!! (Said in an incredulous voice when asked to empty the dishwasher'
-I never get x, y, z
-stomping and door slamming. I choose to always tell her this is unacceptable. These are (unknown to her) the safe boundaries to break. A friend, who advised not to sweat the small stuff and let these go with her own DD, had to contend with her 15 yr old slashing her arms as door slamming had no meaning anymore
:(

Occasionally, I get glimpses of the lovely teenager she will become which warms my heart

[Startail]

Computer time limits and time switches baffle me.

Wouldn't you go ballistic if DH pulled the plug out of your PC in mid , carefully worded, MN post or switched of your Kindle mid sentence.

If you limit screen time you instantly make it more desirable.

Yes DCs need to do HW first and Yes they need to go to sleep at a reasonable hour.

It's lovely if they go out and bounce on the trampoline, build Lego or read a book, but the more you tell them to do these things the less likely they are to co-operate.

I remember being 10 (yes it was 35 years ago), but I still remember slamming down my desk lid, at school, and refusing to do something I considered a total waste of time.

At 10 I thought I knew everything.

Truth is like DD2, I just needed to be feel in control of some part of my life.

For me the major frustration was being a bright kid in a very mixed ability class and having to spend all day getting board not learning anything new.

For DD2 it's needing to feel in control at home, she wraps school round her little finger.

[Startail]

Bored,
I'm also dyslexic, which now know is why, pointless tasks that were just writing made me so cross.

[ifso]

diet - look closely at what he eats - i stopped buyimg cheerios last year, then as a test gave some to my dcs this weekend. their behaviour was SHOCKING

whatever is in cereals it's not what they market it as

sounds like he needs many more hugs too, hard as it may be, he's seeking boundaries and wanting his voice heard.

but check diet first and if he's getting enough sleep

maybe ditch the xbox for a week too? he's porbably knackered and relying on sugar fixes?

[Branleuse]

my 11 year old tries it on too. i have very little time for it. its all I HATE MY LIFE

[daisydoodoo]

ah, im not alone then. I thought it woule be easy with ds2 after the nightmares we've had with ds1. Ds2 will be 11 tomorrow and since just before christmas hes turned from a lovely polite well spoken and thoughtful boy into a grumpy lazy whingey so and so.

Hes had hard time watching his brother (15) taking a lot of our time as hes always up to somethign or in trouble for something. So i've always made the effort to take the time to talk to him and make sure he knows hes not left out.

He's very bright but the laziness has come in and hes not making anyway near the effort that he needs to maintain his levels. He passed the 11+ and we are waiting to hear if he has got a place at a grammar school or will be attending an all boys school, due to the problems with his borther hes chosen not to go to the same secondary school as him and has chosen the all boys which is quite far away if he doesnt get a place at grammar (which is even further away).

I know it must be scarey for him, being the biggest in the school at the moment and being so close to school, to be thinking that in a few months time he will be the youngest in the school again and needing to find his way to and from school on his own. It doesnt help that becasue he's so tall people already put added pressure on him, expecting him to be much older that he is. He's taller than his 15 year old brother who is average height and ds2 wears a size 7.5 shoe!

[DollyTwat]

Putting the time controls on the PC have been a godsend to me as before I'd give him 10 mins, then 5 and it would always be 'in a minute' or 'I've just got to finish this game'. So now I just tell him the PC will shut off in 10 mins and leave it at that. One less argument for us to have

My father is very intolerant of the bad behavior, when it affects him. He makes me nervous that he's going to tell them off so I get in first. Which means that I'm mega grumpy around him. However, if I'm describing the behavior to him on the phone, he's all 'oh I'm sure he didn't mean it'

Things are loads quieter here since I stopped contact with my ex (whole other thread) so I'm hoping it will last

[footballsgalore]

Star- if you don't put a time limit on how do you get him to do anything other than gaming?

DS would do nothing else at all given the choice. He loves football but recent weather has reduced that. He doesn't do lego or drawing and is pretty poor at entertaining himself. We limit screen time in a bid to encourage him to do other things.

Have been trying to give DS more control and stepping back rather than nagging him to do stuff. Have let him live with consequences of not doing as he's asked. (In a nice way not an 'i told you so' way).

Have also tried to discuss things with him so he agrees to the routines and knows what's expected.

All this is helping a bit. Except for the totally random outbursts-not sure what to do about those!

[Startail]

I have a DD and she plays SIMs fairly compulsively.
I confess I'm fairly chilled about it.

She is the sort of child who is far far worse if you try to organise her.

She does her HW and does lots of extracurricular and school active stuff.

I chill on here, she relaxes on SIMs. I read endless spy thrillers as a teen, DD1 devoured vampire books. DH reads about and solders bits of electronics. We all enjoy our respective pastimes.

Trying to micro manage DCs ends in tears, generally from the parents.

[Startail]

Left to her own devices she will suddenly come off the computer and play with play mobile, bounce on the trampoline, get her sister to do her hair in complex styles (utubes fault), or put the atV on.

At this point I do intervene I have had 14 years of kids TV.
The instant Hacker comes on it goes off!

[footballsgalore]

I agree re micro-managing. I do think i was heading towards this and have backed off. I always promised myself i wouldn't hover over my kids after watching a friend instruct her 9yr old how to wash his hair!

Not sure im brave enough to give free reign on the xbox...may be interesting to see what happened though? Im sure he would give up once his eyes started bleeding.

[Earlybird]

I have an almost 12 year old dd. In some ways, she shows amazing maturity: always gets her homework done without prompting by me, doesn't procrastinate with school work/projects, set her own rule this school year that telly would only be watched on weekends as she wanted to read more, etc.

But increasingly she doesn't like being told what to do (no matter how it is worded/presented), and will respond with an argument/attitude. Her tone of voice and attitude toward me can be shockingly disrespectful. Lots of muttering, eye-rolling, heavy sighs, etc. And she definitely thinks the world should revolve around her, with very little empathy for others (she used to be very considerate and thoughtful).

And the small thing that drives me mad atm, is how she will begin playing games with the dog (after ignoring it for most of the evening) when she is told to get ready for bed.

[FedupofTurkey]

Jumping on thread for support!

[topcat2001]

And me.

Help and support needed regarding the constant talk about sex and sex words. It has opened a whole new world for DS and he is curious about it but very sensitive at the same time.

Also the grumpiness.

[grants1000]

This was my post to start with, not we we have the opposite, he's completely away with the fairies, dopey as anything, I too him to the dentist because one of his back teeth was hurting and he took about 5 minutes to tell the denist which tooth it was! At dinner last night I have to literally throw a tomoto at him as he was spilling his drink all over the table without even realising, yelling his name 4 times made no difference. He's gone like a toddler, food everywhere when he eats, he cannot fathom how to pack his school bag so it all fits in properly. It's SATS the week after next, God help him! He could not even put 6 bits of his own washing away as it was too much like hard work. He gets enough sleep and he eats very well - I feel like slapping him across the face and screaming wakey wakey son! Of course I won't but serisoulsy he's lost the plot!

[Roshbegosh]

This is all reassuring for me to hear, not just me, normal behaviour etc.
But PLEASE when will it end? Surely we don' have another 6 years of it?

[footballsgalore]

Was interested to see this thread jump to life again. Would like to say things are better here but im afraid its still very up and down.
Do they all find very important things they absolutely must do when you say bedtime? This then leads to strops and tantrums when bedtime is enforced?
Am really sick of the 'attitude' and rudeness tbh.

[kneedeepindaisies]

I'm so glad I found this thread. We are currently having a meltdown over homework that we've been asking him to do since Friday

He is rude at home, rude at school. Generally obnoxious.

I love him but right now I really don't like him.

[footballsgalore]

Oh don't even get me started on homework! God help us all next year when he's at secondary schl and homework really kicks in...

[shewhowines]

Can I join too please?

All the above posts describe my Ds to a tee. In a few short weeks, he's become so argumentative and has got so much attitude. Where has my loving, demonstrative boy gone? He's been replaced by a far inferior model that I want to return and get my money back!

I'm just hoping that setting consistent boundaries and not sweating the small stuff works although i'm not doing too well at not sweating the small stuff and it's amazing how you get drawn into the arguments even when you are determined to disengage.

I'm hoping that once sats are over, things will improve poor disillusioned me

[bubby64]

Sorry OP, you are now entering that warzone known as puberty, I have 2x 12yr old DSs, and we hsve had this gor the past year or do, and have been reliably informed I have a good few years of it to ho yet. I found - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/1846680875?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 this book very good at trying yo grt inside thrir heads