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Preteens

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Original poster

I think dd is being a bitch and I need to nip it in the bud - help

26 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 18:27

She's in Yr 7.

She's had a bit of a rough summer holidays with falling out with friends and then making up. I've tried to keep out of it as just thought it was all part of being 11.

She's come home crying before now saying the other girls were ignoring her, etc. She got in a fight one evening down the park. Says the other girl started it and the other girl's sister backs dd up and says it wasn't dd that started it.

Then one time dd came home saying her best friend had pulled her hair and been nasty to it. I saw some texts from the friend to dd saying sorry for pulling her hair so again believed her.

Tried quizzing her a bit about why these kids did this and just get told they're nasty, she's been bullied, getting ganged up on, etc.

She's made a fairly new friend who lives in our village and this girl came round the other evening. Seemed really nice. After she'd left it turned out that dd and this girl had gone to the shop with dd's pocket money and spent £5 on sweets. DD reckons the other girl pressured her into spending the money and asked me to replace it. I said no, she's to learn her lesson that if she doesn't want to spend it she says no. There were tears and she was saying that this girl bullied her into spending it, which I don't believe and told her so.

So just now dd comes running in saying that this girl's mum has "beat me up" One of dd's friends said she got shouted at but nothing physical. So I go outside and the mum is coming down the drive. Her dd is there crying.

Mum says that my dd has been telling eveeryone that her dd is a thief and stole £5. Her dd then went off with dd's best friend and dd tried to start a fight with her (ex?) best friend. This other girl stepped in and shoved my dd.

So I suppose dd did get shoved first. According to the mum dd then retaliated and tried to pull this girl's hair. The mum has seen this happen from across the road and goes over and starts telling my dd off. Sounds like she was mainly upset as dd had some other girls backing her up and they were all egging dd on. So the mum feels that dd was leading a pack against her dd.

So this adult has told dd off, dd was now upset and crying and shouting and swearing at this mum. I'm mortified. Really mortified.

I've apoligised to the mum and the girl.

DD is upset. From her point of view the other girls started it. She admits she was having a go at this girl about taking her money. She says then her ex best friend got involved and took the other girls side which upset dd. DD says noone else was having a go at the girl but there were quite a few watching it all kick off. DD says she didn't pull the girl's hair but admits she did swear - not actually at the mum but was shouting and said fucking at some point.

DD is blaming this all on her ex best friend. She says this girl upset her by calling her a freak and then the other girl shoved her. She can't see that she's started it by mouthing off about the money.

I've grounded her for a week - is this enough? I don't want her to be the nasty kid in the village. If anyone has any advice I'd welcome it but please be gentle.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 14/09/2012 18:34

Oh poor you!
Girls are sometimes hateful at this age aren't they?
DD is also in Yr 7 and I've had a different tals of woe every night, I nearly phoned the school once but just DD to talk to her teacher.
I advise Wine, lots.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 18:43

Yes, think wine might be good. Thanks. Smile

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 14/09/2012 18:55

I don't know what my DD is up to, she says this other girl is being mean to her but DD was told off today by the other girl's teacher for being nasty to other girl. Confused
Was the other mother ok with you?

IawnCont · 14/09/2012 19:01

Oh no :(

"DD is blaming this all on her ex best friend."
That's what would worry me more than anything. That she still isn't taking responsibility. I'd make this clear to your DD that that, more than anything, is unacceptable, and to spend this week really considering how she made other people feel. Any, even if she was coaxed into spending money on sweets, that does not in any way amount to the other girl stealing the money.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:05

The other mother was fine. She was a bit irate when she came up the drive but calmed down when she realised I was happy to listen. She said sorry for shouting at dd but that she only shouted as dd was shouting at her. Which is fair enough.

I'm hoping it's a beginning of year 7 issue and that it all calms down soon. I'm sure they're all a bit stressed, etc about new schools and probably taking some stuff out on each other.

I hope your dd sorts her problems out with the girl in her class. I keep telling dd if she has a problem with someone she needs to walk away. She keeps talking macho shit about sorting out differences.

I've made her send a message to this girl to say sorry, and also saying sorry to the girls mum.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:06

Iawncont, yes this is what's worrying me. The fact that she's still arguing blaming everyone else. Sad

I feel I'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to get through to her.

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ShiirleyKnott · 14/09/2012 19:07

Well. I've got boys rather than girls but I think the swearing and shouting at an adult would result in a much stiffer punishment than a weeks grounding TBH.

Yes. Yes and fighting in the street? Shock oh gawd viva, you poor thing! Does grounding her really hit her where she lives IYKWIM?

ShiirleyKnott · 14/09/2012 19:08

Good for sending the message.

Oh it's hard. Passes more Wine

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:11

The grounding will affect her. She's used to been able to meet up with her friends in the park. She doesn't do any after school activities she can be baned from. I suppose I could say no tv as well.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:13

I don't want to get a reputation in the village for been the one with an out of control kid. Oh god. I'm sure the neighbours net curtains must have been twitching. < dies a bit more>.

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SauvignonBlanche · 14/09/2012 19:16

I'd stick to your original punishment, but really stick to it. If you add more it was only make her feel hard done to and aggrieved.

poachedeggs · 14/09/2012 19:23

Just want to say that you need to focus on her bad behaviour and not what other people think. My parents were obsessed with what others thought of us with the result that I'm a spineless people-pleaser. I think integrity is important but your daughter needs help to understand how better to handle these situations, not criticism for embarrassing you. Is it worth going over other possible outcomes if she'd handled it differently?

ShiirleyKnott · 14/09/2012 19:27

Does she know how distressed you are?

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:30

Yes, I've been telling her that she needs to take responsibility for her actions. That she can't blame the other girl for the fact she agreed to spend her pocket money. Even if she felt pressured into it nobody held a gun to her head.

I've talked about being responsible and admitting you've done something wrong.

She's been saying that she only shouted at the mum as she felt threatened as the mum was so angry so she was been defensive by shouting. So I've talked about how saying sorry to try and defuse the situation would have been best, or even saying she was going to fetch me and then running home to get me would have been better.

Dh reckons she has small person syndrome! Like a jack Russell.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:31

I've told her I'm disappointed.

Also told her if she gets a reputation for been shouty, been in fights that other parents won't want their kids playing with her.

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IawnCont · 14/09/2012 19:35

Has she got an ipod/phone/facebook that you can take away as well?

I really really feel for you Viva.

ShiirleyKnott · 14/09/2012 19:38

Yes I find the disappointment thing quite effective. I also used to bang on a bit about writing cheques their bodies couldn't cash - and that violence just begets violence.

Ah don't worry about what other people think (although I totally understand, I'd have been mortificado which would have resulted in my then being VERY angry and going totally OTT - so you did really well)? All kids shame us as some point!

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:53

She does have a fb account. I've banned her from posting on it for now. I have her password as well so will be able to check she hasn't sent any messages apart from the apology.

She's begged me not to tell my brother what's happened as she hero worships him. I've told her I won't this time but if it happens again.........

I know what you mean about not worrying about what others think but I think it's important that she realises that if she gets a reputation with the other parents then this will affect her as they won't want their kids playing with her, etc.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 19:54

Thanks everyone btw, this is helping. I don't feel quite as bad now!

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IawnCont · 14/09/2012 20:02

It's good she doesn't want your brother to know. It shows she knows, deep down, she's been irresponsible. Perhaps ask her why she doesn't want her uncle to know?
I remember when I was a teen, other girls could be so bitchy. I probably was too, only I can't remember that bit! :o I was given two books to read, and they made me realize how childish it all was. Maybe you could read them aloud to your DD- A chapter a night- And ask her how she felt about what happened to that character, how d'you think she felt there, do you know people like this etc..? The books are Just As Long As We're Together, and Here's To You, Rachel Robinson by Judy Blume.

MadBusLady · 14/09/2012 20:06

Massive disclaimer, I don't have kids and am probably teaching grandmothers to suck eggs, so feel free to ignore! But I suspect there is a halfway house between what she wants to do (mouth off until everything is to her liking) and what you want her to do (ignore, walk away if she has a problem, come and get you etc). I'm just struck by the fact that those are the phrases you're using, and she's probably not seeing them as a particularly attractive way of behaving (I wouldn't!)

Is it worth going through the idea of assertiveness with her? Ie it is actually ok to say no, to explain your position calmly, to "sort out differences" but without being hurtful to others, and she'll have to do this in adult life without getting upset or shouty about it. My parents didn't teach me this stuff, they were "walk away, tell an adult" types and it took me years to figure it all out on my own.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 20:25

If I could teach her how to sort problems out without it all blowing up that would be great.

But she doesn't seem to be able to stay calm and do that. Everything is a drama and theres name calling, then fighting and hysterics. She doesn't do calm!

I've talked in the past about counting to 10, that hurtful things can't be unsaid, etc.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 14/09/2012 20:30

Have just ordered the first judy Blume book, thanks for that Iawncont.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 15/09/2012 10:04

DD sent a message to the girl on FB last night saying sorry. Girl hasn't replied but has blocked dd on FB.

I don't know, maybe her mum has told her to - that she doesn't want her dd to be friends with mine after my dd's behaviour. Sad

But part of me is a little annoyed that her dd was the first to be physical by shoving my dd. Up to that point it had just been arguing, etc which I admit my dd started. I suppose its taught my dd a lesson that you can't go mouthing off to people without risking it getting physical. But if my dd had been the first to be physical to someone I'd have been cross with her, wheras this mum didn't seem to be cross with her dd at all.

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SauvignonBlanche · 15/09/2012 18:14

I'm going to order the Judy Blume book too.