Bad behaviour due to my new relationship - advice please!

[emmmmmmmm]

Hello,

I did try and search but couldn't find anything.

I have a soon-to-be 12 year old son. His usual behaviour is pretty normal pre-teen stuff I think - well I feel reassured after reading this forum! He's moody and argumentative but nothing too concerning.

I have been a single parent for the majority of his life, however a few months ago I started a relationship. I knew that this would be a lot for my son to deal with so I have made sure we still spend time together just us, doing fun activities. We also do things the three of us. However, my son's behaviour has been very challenging of late, especially when we are with my boyfriend. He is more argumentative and rude and seems reluctant to want to get to know my boyfriend well. He also often says that he does not want to come out with us, saying things like 'you two just want to be alone'. I have assured him a lot that this is not the case and that we would both like it if he came with us etc.

Am I doing something wrong? Can anyone advise how I can make this situation better?

Maybe try being really blunt. If he says 'you just want to be alone', say something along the lines,'we like spending time alone together, of course, just like you wouldn't want me around the whole time when you have friends over, but we also love spending time with you and that's why we asked you to come along.' That way, him being aware you want some privacy is recognised, but he's also reassured you like him being around.

I strongly think that by this age children need to be helped to be empathetic. If he's rude, ask him how he'd like it if you picked fights and ruined the mood when his friends came round. Explain you have a right to choose who you spend time with and you are an adult and have a right to a relationship with a new man, just as he has the right to choose his friends and spend time with them.

Hope your new relationship goes well for you.

thanks for your advice. i think that is a good suggestion for me to ask him how he would feel if i picked a fight when his friends were over. i'll give it a go.

emmmmmmm sorry but I don't agree with the all of the response you have had. I think this business of "how would you feel" will not get you anywhere - it's far too abstract a concept for a child of this age to work out. And he is a child, not yet 12. Of course he is bound to react badly as he has not had to share you with anyone for the majority of his life. He is on the brink of adolesence and this is a confusing enough time for youngsters, without the added pressure of trying to cope with the emotional turmoil he is no doubt feeling about your new relationship. Of course he is jealous and probably doesn't understand why - in his mind he is no longer your No.1 as the bf has taken that place. I am not saying this is how you feel but I strongly suspect this is how he feels.

You don't say if you are living together or not. The problem is that your son's understandable behaviour will in time probably annoy your boyfriend (again understandable) and a downward spiral may well occur where there is a lot of conflict and you possibly having divided loyalties. Does your son have contact with his father, and does your bf have children of his own.

Boys of this age in my experience don't much like going out with their parents anyway and would prefer to be with their friends. Can you arrange for a friend of his to accompany you on days out or whatever it is you do. It's a bit tricky because at his age he is too young to be left alone in the house while you go out with your bf. If you aren't living together can you not get a relative or friend to be with your son in the evening while you go out with the bf.

Above all you must try to re-assure your son that he is NO 1 in your affections and always will be, no matter what happens. He will probably shrug and say "I don't care" but he will hear it and that is important. Do you try and arrange things that he will enjoy (with a friend) like go carting or laser quest or whatever he's into, or is he expected to go along to things you and your bf like doing. It won't be easy - these things never are. You might get a better response in "Step-Parenting" - I know your bf is not his step father but the dynamics are similar.