Egg Shell Parenting. Sorry a bit long.

[mampam]

DD1 is 12. She seems to think she is exempt from doing anything other than laying in bed and watching tv/playing with her ipod touch.

A few weeks ago I gave both DD and DS (9) a list of jobs they had to do on Saturday mornings which basically are things like tidy room, hoover and dust, put dirty washing in the linen basket etc etc. It also stated that they must be up, dressed and have had breakfast by 9.30am (on the Saturday) as if DD isn't going to see her friends she will quite happily get out of bed at about 12pm go downstairs and make a mess of the kitchen get herself something to eat and then go back and sit in bed. When she finally does get dressed in the middle of the afternoon she wears her clothes for a few hours and then puts them in the wash.

If we want to go out she will try her hardest to be slow at getting dressed, usually has to get in the bath before she will leave the house (funny, because we have to force her to bath most of the time ). We are usually sat in the car outside waiting for her.
If DD wants to go out it's a different matter, she tries to rush us out the door!!

Back to the list of jobs, DD not at all happy about this. Doesn't want to get out of bed and be dressed by 9.30 etc. I told her that if she didn't adhere to the rules then she wouldn't be allowed to go and see her friends (I have to drive her as they live in the nearest town and we live in a village). This still doesn't seem to give her the incentive to do as she has been asked. I'm constantly nagging at her as she's still in bed at 9.30. I've even had to refuse to leave the house until her bedroom is semi tidy (and believe me it's a tip).

We've tried getting her to wash dishes before but she doesn't like water that has got 'bits' in it and stood in the kitchen sobbing "dirty, dirty people", she pushes the hoover around so feebly that no bit gets picked up and I have to go over it again. When she has a bath she won't use the towels in the bathroom because they might have been used before so she rummages through the airing cupboard to get new towels leaving a path of destruction, same with hand towels she gets a new one out to dry her hands and chucks it straight into the wash pile.

Half the time she won't even acknowledge DH (her step dad). He will say something to her and she totally ignores/blanks him. TBH these days she only is nice to him if she wants something. She's always really off with my IL's barely speaking to them and responds to them in a short, sharp tone and one word answers. She's pretty mean to DS too. I feel like she has absolutely no respect for anyone except her father (will get to that in a minute).

The icing on the cake came this weekend when she wanted to go shopping with her friend (and her mum) and then stay for a sleepover. I felt a bit sorry for her as we don't have much money at the moment and didn't have anything to give to her to just spend just'because' IYSWIM? and didn't want her to feel left out.

I talked it over with DH and he agreed that we should give her some money so she could look for a new school bag ready for September. I gave her the money and also her pocket money and a bit extra to buy something for her lunch and told her not to just buy any old bag, if she didn't see something she really liked then to just leave it and not to waste the money on rubbish. DH also said the same thing to her.
When she came home the following day she had new earrings (DH had already bought her some last week as she'd been on and on about having some new ones as she's not long had her ears pierced), a new top, and a dress, she came home with a quarter of the money that she went with and no school bag. She claims she didn't realise she wasn't allowed to spend the money on something else

Anyway DH and I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel we are "eggshell parenting" as I'm constantly aware that she has much more respect for her father than us, even though she (and DS) rarely have seen him in the last 6 months as he moved away, he rarely even speaks to them. He doesn't have to pay any maintenance anymore (long story) and that is why we are finding things a bit of a struggle financially. I also know that she will happily help about the house at her dads.
I feel like the big bad wolf all the time having to say 'NO' all the time, "no we can't afford to do this", "no we can't afford to do that", "no we can't afford to buy treats with the shopping this week", "no you can't have this" IYSWIM? I know it's hard for the DC as we've had to make lifestyle changes and cut backs and they've had to get used to not being able to do or have the same things they used to.

I'm also aware that it must be hard for them as they used to spend every other weekend with their dad, he has another DD who lives with him and they've just had another baby.

I'm fully aware that when (if) DD and DS go to stay with their dad in the summer holidays that they will have a wonderful time doing lots of fun things. I don't want to be the nagging mother all the time and always be the big bad wolf.

Does all of this make any sense?

It does make sense and I see myself in much of what you post. But, and I say this with a heavy heart because it applies to me too, you are being too hard on her.

I'd ease up on the weekend rules. She has to get up early Mon-Fri and do homework when she comes home. Cut her some slack with that one.

She's getting to the age where she's exercising control over her environment (the dawdling, taking ages to get ready to go out with you).

Her situation's changed and she's having to adjust to that at a time when her looks and material possessions are key indicators to being popular or cool at school.

She doesn't see or speak to her Dad any more, so he gets to be the good cop in this, even though it must hurt her not to have contact with him.

Let as much as you can go over your head. I really recommend My daughter website as a font of knowledge and expertise.

Keep talking to her - she probably feels everyone is against her. Let her know that you're on her side, but that means being part of the family and doing her share too.

What a long OP! Sorry if I didn't read it carefully enough.

I think you are picking battles over small things, or at least, facilitating her urge to pick battles over small things. Try to find ways to make things more straightforward (if she won't wash dishes fine, but could she dry them instead?) Ask her to do her own laundry & see how much longer she finds she can wear items before washing, perhaps.

Try to see things from her perspective, I think it might help.

it was expecting too much maturity that she only buy a bag with the money & nothing else. So she uses her old bag in September, does it matter? I would not be so prescriptive if I could help it. Does she get any pocket money from you?

There must be a better way than saying "We can't afford that"; your insecurity about your finances is not helping you make confident decisions. I suppose I go with "That costs too much & you can get by without it; save up for it with your pocket money if you really want it, or wait until your birthday/Xmas".

I think your DH's best tactic is to engage her with humour; she already treats him with contempt; it will drive her batty if he is cheerful nonetheless, and if he's clever about he'll make her laugh in spite of herself.

Penalties for getting out the door slowly, you know her currencies. Might be confiscation of iPod for a set amount of time (say 1 hour for every 1 minute she makes everyone else wait). BUT you will need to make the consistent with other DC, so could be tricky to implement.

make them consistent, even

Thanks for your replies, I realise that my post was a bit long

With regards to getting up and dressed by 9.30am on Saturdays we set this rule because we are all (myself, DH and DS) up and doing housework, laundry etc on a Saturday morning and it seemed so unfair on DS (9) who has done his list of chores in his bedroom and is then helping us around the rest of the house whilst DD is still laying in bed. By the time she has dragged herself out of bed at midday everything is done so she has got away with helping us IYSWIM? Maybe we need to look at things that she could do during the week instead of weekends.

She does get pocket money £3 if she does the things on her list but I always end up giving her more as she tends to go out with her friends at least every other weekend and needs a bit extra to get something to eat. So she basically gets more money than DS does for doing a lot less plus we can't really afford to keep giving her more money.
This is where I feel like my hands are tied though as I don't want to say no she can't go and stop her having a social life and be the big bad wolf all the time but I sometimes feel like between a rock and a hard place and compromising my principles. I don't want her to end up hating me.

9:30am is a little early for her to be up and ready to do things when she's had a long week at school, maybe during the holidays a little different, but maybe say around 10? on a saturday , and the chores she has to do, nobody else does them so its there for her to do, she is getting to the age where generally the weekend is for sleep and laziness. could you afford to give her maybe a little more a month and all social has to come out of that (lunch and stuff) probably save you a bit in the long run if you have to keep giving her more, pocket money is there for her to buy stuff with, not for you to top it up, seems only fair you give her an amount and that is what she has to spend ones its gone she can't go out, will give her life skills in the long run.

on the chores maybe her room to be done on a friday evening? so she can lay in a bit more during saturday, another thing you may find is later the bedroom battle may be too much.

have consequenses for battles you are willing to fight, if you are willing to do the bedroom battle maybe not allowed ipod and telly until its done? start doing pocket money docking for things like chores, if she doesn't do the chores you set out, have that based on pocket money, gives a work ethic and then don't give her extra money if she doesn't do the chores, that means its fairer on your DS,
i hope you can work it out, hopefully you'll have an easy teen on your hands :)

I also have a chore list, my DCs are 13&14.
But they do their jobs every day not on Saturdays.

Tbh, if my DCs were sobbing in the kitchen about dirty water I'd be inclined to take no notice at all. It's just water.
Ignore until the job is done.

Same with Hoovering, why are you going over it afterwards?
If it isn't done properly, she can do it again until it is.

I'm afraid I do not subscribe to the eggshell parenting, if you want her to do something, then she has to do it.

My DCs have a much longer list than your Dd and have done for quite a few years.
Theres nothing wrong with teaching your DCs responsibility in the house, you just have to be consistent with it and not let her get away with everything. My DS used to hate having to do anything and used to do it all very half heartedly until he realises I was just going to make him do it again, and again.

With regards to sleeping in, tbh I think it's a bit unfair to make her be up by a certain time on Saturdays after all she is up for school every day.

Can you not make a rule that as long as the chores are done during the week she can sleep in on Saturdays?

Money-well I sympathise. I have DCs that want expensive clothes, bags, money on tap etc.
However, if the money is not there, you can't give it to her!
I think, I'm my case they understand if we have the money they can get a treat but not all the time.
I don't think you should feel guilty about it, but I know that's easier said than done.

And sorry that was an epic reply wasnt it :)