do I let my DD 'groom' herself?

[workshy]

odd title sorry but not sure how to phrase it

DD (10 1/2) has always been body aware but recently she is getting more upset with herself

she is carrying a little bit of weight around her middle & is already wearing a bra

but tonight she is in tears because she is...
fat
ugly
has big cheeks
turned up piggy nose
and stupid hair which sticks up all over the place!

when she is dressed up with hair straightened etc she is a stunner and yes I know I'm her mum so I have to think that, but do I let her start straightening her hair (other than for parties etc)?

my gut instinct is just keep reassuring her she is beautiful, because she is, but she jsut doesn't believe me, and I also don't want her to think I'm not taking her concerns seriously

I'm pleased she can talk to me about what is upsetting her because I never could talk to my mum but jeeez can I have my 3 year old back? life was much simpler!

bump

My dd started taking notice of herself around the same age. She only now straightens her hair if it's frizzy, but i've never allowed her to do it daily. She has a good skin care routine and can cover up her acne scars herself now.

Reassure her she is beautiful and helpbuild her confidence by trying different hair stuff,help her 'find' herself with funky fashion,a little maKeup perhaps and let her straighten her hair perhaps get the 3 day straight stuff so she doesnt have to do it everyday ....i know we should encourage our dc to love themselves naturally but we all know how it feels to want to look pretty.

If she is a bit overweight maybe encourage her to eat healthier stuff and excercise more,encourage her to look after herself and above all love herself

she's still in the normal weight range and not over weight but she used to be at the lower end of the range so she feels it

she has wavy hair and it does frizz but I had reserved starightners for parties as I love her bouncy curls -but then it's not my hair

sob!

Can you look at some pictures on the internet of ways of 'doing' curly hair?

That's a really difficult one. I'm afraid I don't have experience of preteens (apart from being one in the not too distant past!). My DSis has lovely wavy hair (she hates it) so straightened it as soon as she was allowed/could afford straighteners (15 or so) and it's now, at 23, very very thin and wispy. She has to use special shampoo as the heat has damaged her hair.

Could you explain that you are taking her concerns seriously but (perhaps show pictures) if she starts straightening her hair now she will damage it in the long term.

I had horrid self-esteem issues as a preteen/teenager, had lots of extra weight (far more than your DD) and wore a bra at her age, so I do remember what it's like. The only other thing I can think of is maybe to do more exercise together as family fun time (so it's not phrased in a body-concious way), or maybe start a mother-daughter project of making your own beauty treatments out of natural ingredients/having bonding time where you test things out including ridiculous and funny old wive's tales like eggs in hair to make it shine (IIRC!). It might help her feel better and if you use natural products not only will she have skills that will make it cheaper when she begins to use treatments more often as a young adult but it should also not damage her skin. There are loads of natural recipes such as sugar scrubs on websites like pinterest that are very easy to make.

I don't know if any of that is useful but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered :)

I think it's because I don't bother myself

not that I am a slattern or anything but I work in a very male environment, wear combats ans safety boots everyday and scrape my hair into a pony tail and wear the occasional hard hat!

I see women who won't leave the house without a full face of make up and I don't want to encourage it

plus she is 10 and it makes me very sad that she cares what her hair looks like and that her clothes are aged 12-13 rather than 10-11 grr

oh and I have no snacks in the house

daddy's house however.......

that would involve me telling him how to bring up his kids apparently so unfortunately not :(

Oh curly is tricky. I have fine but very curly hair and yes, I can straighten (but a curling iron is even better), but it does damage quickly, which is why I don't dry most mornings and save up for curling / straightening.

There are fab products for curly hair that really do help with the frizz:

• Sebastian potion 9 is awesome, but not cheap. I use it often and I need nothing else to keep my curls looking civilised (I have fine but full curly hair about 4" below my shoulders)
• Frizz ease - some good, but read the instructions as depends on how you intend to dry your hair (I dry naturally where possible which is great for hair, but not for some products)
• Tresemme shampoos & conditioners have been fab for me in reducing frizz and are pretty cheap compared to some of the other brands
• I know some folks hate it, but if she is heat drying, V05 Hot Oil is pretty good IMO

Agree with QueenofPlaids that drying naturally and tresemme helps. My hair is very curly, frizz ease just didn't cut it, but Joico straightening gel did. Hot oil is brilliant, as is Mayo (apply to hair, cover with clingfilm, leave for 5 mins and wash off). I also scrunch-dry it which really helps, and I never wash it at night, only in the morning.

My dd is on the heavy side with curly hair. I wouldn't allow her to straighten it every day, it damages the hair and I think it sends a message that she needs to change who she is rather than accept who she is.

I know at that (any?) age, people want to feel they fit in, look good and have confidence.

I'd go with a good haircut, some products for curly hair and some pretty accessories.

Some new clothes such as leggings, tunic tops, long draped cardigans that flatter her.

My dd will never be a slim girl with small feet and straight hair. I try and reinforce the idea that everyone wants what they haven't got. You've got to love who you are and make the best of yourself, don't try and be something you're not.

Leave in c

Sorry!! Leave in conditioner? ATM I use naked rescue as a leave in (not sold for this). Takes ages to dry but does not dry sticky at all.

I would take her to a good hairdressers and see what they can do to make her hair more stylish but easier to look after.

I think a lot of girls put weight on at this age and then when they start their periods they even out again.

Sounds like she needs a confidence boost. I would let her straighten her hair if it makes her feel better about herself.

I have just started using my Babyliss big hair on my curly dd. It has really improved the look of her hair. It has smoothed it rather than straightened it.

I agree that you should take her to a good hairdresser and get it cut in a way that suits her.

just a question do you brush her hair while its dry? i know that was one thing my mum did all the time (untill she left it up to me... and i stopped doing it) the frizz decreased as brushing tends to make curly hair frizzy, if its looking particularly frizzy spray a bit of water on the hair, i tend to find that it sets my curls a bit better. i know its a pain later to brush but if she's that self conscious about it maybe the the brushing will be worth it.

then taking her to the hairdressers they can advise you aswell on how to keep it nice. be careful with leave in conditioner if she's starting periods... can make it just look plain greacy. as other posters have said, don't let her straighten every day, even if your using heat protecting spray, you don't want her with ruined hair

Is it tge frizz or that's it's curly that's tge problem? Remember if it gets cut it may well curl more due to less weight.

Is it straighteners or being worried that's tge problem? Straightening with a brush and hairdryer isn't tgat hard once you understand tge basics and will keep her busy for a while.

Is there someone famous/in tge public eye she likes? Quite often you can find pictures of them as children, and they are never flattering, you could use this to show how we all. Hangs as we grow? Or even yourself? I would however look for tge photos before hand just in case.

Get her The Curly Girl Method by Lorraine Massey. It's a great book that celebrates curly hair and has all sorts of tips for caring for it. The focus is the no shampoo method of cleaning it. DD3 and I use the 'curly girl method'. (Hers is red and curly and long. Mine is brown and curly and long. Straightening it would take all day).

I also recommend Teenage Beauty by Bobbi Brown - emphasises making the most of what you have and not doing anything to radically change your looks.

Even if she already knows the facts of life, The Care and Keeping of You published by American Girl publications is a great book for girls her age. It looks at all aspects of self care and taking responsibility for your health, what you eat, getting enough sleep, friendships, the image you project, etc.

My daughter is 12 with wavy hair. We got it cut into pixie lot style wavy bob. She finds it easy to deal with now. Think the pixie lot thing worked well. If I had just suggested a short cut I don't think she would be so pleased with it!!

Can she/you blow dry her hair straight? At 10 it should last two days.

I know you can 'perm' curly hair straight but I would have thought it might be damaging.

A make up lesson might go down well, you can shade 'big cheeks' small.

So nice you are taking this seriously.