aggressive daughter - please help

[sodamntired]

Can anyone help? I have a daughter who is ADHD and borderline aspergers. I am at my wit's end. I have been beyond exhausted for over 12 years now. She was just about bearable/manageable at primary school but she has been very unhappy at senior school (she has just moved so I am hoping she will get happier and be more manageable again but that is only a small part of it).
She is so demanding, and so rude and horribly aggressive - mostly verbally but it is not unknown for her to physically attack me. She shouts at me frequently, demands that I do things for her all the time and gets very angry when I won't, tries to treat me like a slave. I am constantly on edge when she is in the house, because I never know what to expect of her behaviour.
She threatened me the other day with a pair of scissors and even though I knew she wouldn't hurt me with them and let me take them out of her hand, it wasn't nice. She can get angry in the blink of an eye and for absolutely no reason. She appears to have no control over her emotions. She also gets very, very anxious. If there is ever a story on the news about someone being ill, she always thinks she is going to get it, is constantly asking if she will get cancer or have a heart attack etc. I am sure that a lot of her aggression is anxiety fuelled. It is mostly directed just at me and then afterwards, she will turn around and give me a big hug and say I'm sorry, i love you mummy. She told me that I had told her that she mustn't be angry at school but she can be as angry she likes at home because I love her and can cope and she says that this is what she is doing. I can see the logic of this and at least it is the right way round but it is exhausting. My husband is very good and tries really hard to be supportive but quite frankly is often at a loss as to how to handle her. He is naturally a calm and gently type but he says that when he sees her being so rude to me, it makes him so angry with her that he has to walk away because he doesn't want to lost his temper uncontrollably (he would never be violent).
I know that my daughter is very insecure. I think she feels very different and yet is desperate to be normal and fit in. She is bright but nevertheless struggles with academic work because of her concentration problems. I think this doesn't help. She also has a very capable younger sister and she puts her down the whole time because i think she feels threatened by this.
She can be very sweet and loving and she is very funny and sometimes she is nice, but even when she is good she is incredibly demanding and exhausting.
I would say that my husband and I are probably quite good parents. I try and stay as calm as possible as it is the only strategy that ever works (i am on anti-depressants in order to do so) but i am so damn tired and stressed that sometimes I lose my temper quite spectacularly. My husband opts out more than he should to preserve his sanity but is very loving to both girls.
Unfortunately, I think she knows that we both prefer her younger sister. I know it's wrong and you shouldn't have favourites but you just can't help it when you are constantly being yelled out, shouted at, hit, sworn at. Sometimes I just feel that I don't love her at all, but I know I do really.
I have tried to explain to her all the usual things that it is not her I don't like but her behaviour (not actually true. i don't like her much a lot of the time and I often dread her company, which is tragic). I say 'i love you' even when she tells me she hates me and I would like to yell 'i hate you' back.
I don't know where to go from here. I have no faith at all in my local CAMHS team.
No normal parenting techniques seem to work.
I am thinking of trying hypnosis? Or family therapy as I know I have made lots of mistakes.
Does anyone know of anyone really, really good in either of these fields that they can recommend? Or have similar experience that they have gone through and come out the other side.
I am just plain miserable. Please help. Thank you.

[gaunyerseljeannie]

I am so sad reading your post probably because it sounds so familiar but it is my DS not DD who had a knife in his hand last week. It is not to hurt anyone or himself but just another tool to convey how bad he feels at times. It is awful isn't it. I am so sorry, you feel so negative about her, but I wonder if this is as a result of depression/anti depressant medication and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty. You sound like you are doing really well.
I don't feel able to offer advice as I am so worn out myself with it just now I am posting on light threads about nothing to avoid thinking about it, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Someone else will be along soon with more to say , big hug though. Try to find a group in your area for support. I have SW coming on Friday for a chat but like you with CAMHs have no faith in it. But other mums for a coffee might be good x

[gaunyerseljeannie]

I am just wondering if you should re post this in Special Needs as there might be more experience there

[sodamntired]

Thank you so much. Hugs to you too. You obviously understand through tragic experience. I will repost on special needs, that's a good idea. In haste, as she is at home today but will do it tomorrow. Nice to know not alone. My friends are very understanding but sometimes you still can't help feeling 'why do I have to have such a difficult child when all I wanted was a normal family life, which I have never had. Why does it have to be me.' And then you look at some of the people with severely mentally or physically handicapped children and think that it could be so much worse and try and be strong. Everyone tells me that I am so strong and so brave but i am so sick of having to be. i have no choice. Do you know what I mean? I think you do.