Failing at my relationship with dd as I can't handle stroppy tantrums

[shouldbe]

I typed this about an hour ago and have been agonising over posting it. I just need some support and help in strategies to handle the increasing amount of moods from dd.

I feel as though I'm failing dd terribly at the moment. She's such a lovely girl but is prone to horrible stroppy moods which are mostly directed at me (she's 10, so to be expected perhaps) She has low self esteem (a trait she gets from me I'm afraid) and I fear I contribute to this as I've never been very good at coping with moods and need to get some ideas in place for managing them before things get worse.

Today has been a difficult morning; largely down to me I suspect as I have terrible PMT and have not been tolerating anyone very well for the past few days.

However, whilst getting up this morning I was feeling as though we'd actually had a good week with dd getting herself up and dressed without nagging from either dh or myself (this is often the worst part of the day as poor dd isn't a morning person)
It all went horribly wrong when we were about to leave the house and her zip got jammed stuck on her coat. This (and the fact that she then proceeded to stomp around the house in her muddy shoes) led to a huge argument which I handled so badly I have been tearful since leaving her at school. Bad moods are often triggered by seemingly minor events like this which seem completely unavoidable but easily flare up and are then followed but much muttering/shouting about how little I care for her and her feelings and so on
I know I was in the wrong. I rose to the argument and neither of us would let it lie. I was demanding an apology for her tantrum and for her to see reason for my annoyance that she lost her temper over something like a zip which would have been easily sorted if she'd just calmed down! The row went on all the way to school (a 10 minute walk)
It was truly dreadful and I feel totally wretched. Her face turned from anger to sadness as she went into school which was just heartbreaking. And ds wasn't left unaffected either :(

I am not a confident mother and am struggling all round just now; letting down both dd and ds :( I ought to know better and be able to defuse these things by now, surely?

The problem with parenting is that just as you think you know what you are doing, they move onto the next stage and you find yourself at a loss again and it isn't surprising you don't know what to do.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I reckon is you are self aware enough to know that you didn't handle things properly you are probably doing OK. IMO those that make the biggest hash of things are those who think they have no problems. Children can be bloody hard sometimes but we are only human and don't react very well.

I have an 11 yr old DS so I totally get where you are coming from. I find myself having shouting matches with him when I wonder what I have been reduced to but I am the grown up and I think by recognising that I can at least keep a lid on letting it happen again. I fail on a regular basis.

I am sure that deep down your DD knows that you do care about her and her feelings but I think that they have to go through some sort of process as they enter their teenage years where they go from self centred and self absorbed children to adults who are aware the world doesn't revolve round them, that life isn't perfect and that they need to consider other people. It is a painful process.

Looking on the bright side, another 8 years or so and we well be out the other side. .

:) thanks

I thought you might have had more useful responses than mine so this is a bump for you.

There is a book called 'Talking to Tweenies - Getting it Right before it gets rocky with your 8-12 yr old' which is often recommended on MN. I have a copy but have done nothing more than dip into it. It looks really interesting and might be of help to you. I really need to read it properly - it might be too late for DS1 but DS2 is 8 and going to be trouble!!

Hope you are having a better weekend. My 12 yr old dd told me that all teenagers are meant to be moody!! I explained that she doesn't need to be one of those teenagers. Think I would just give her a big hug, say sorry that we both had a horrible morning and try to make next week better together.

I know, I'm the same. I have an 11 year old who is SO vocal & aggressive sometimes but a total sweetie most of the time. I have a really good job, am considered very assertive and bossy by some, but can't handle all this at all! I think fondly of the good old days when you could wallop them, but now he is bigger and I have to be a good role model. Blast!! We had some help from an educational psychologist on this and he said to keep calm, pick your battles, don't micromanage every little aspect of their lives and use carrots and sticks to get them to behave. Sometimes I do it really well, the other times I just get fed up and burst into tears when he's gone to school!

Good luck, we'll think fondly of it when they've gone and look back on these tantrums for what they are wonder why we got so upset!