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DD always in group of 3 and being left out again

5 replies

mykiddies · 20/03/2012 13:49

Just wondering if this has happened to anyone else's daughter. DD is friends with two other girls. I thought they were all best friends until she told me that they always sit together in class and she is sitting by herself most of the time. She got upset - it seems that she is tagging along again (this happened in primary school too). She is a nice quiet decent girl anyone should be proud to have her as a friend but I don't know why this keeps happening to her. One of the girls and her were friends until the other one came along now it seems in the morning in form class she sits behind them they say hi don't talk much, go to class, sit together, she is on her own, they leave class and she is tagging behind them. She said that at the beginning there was a group of them and they all separated into other groups she stayed with other girl who decided to join other girls (I wonder why) was talked about as in going off on them. My advice was to go to school, be friendly, say hi and go and find other girls to mix with. She said these other girls will wonder why she is wanting to sit with them all of a sudden and that her friends! will talk about her and say she is going off on them. If one or the other isn't about they will use my dd also...that is when she is good enough to have around. Don't know what to do. She doesn't like getting into situations. She gives herself too freely and then gets hurt.

OP posts:
DottyP · 21/03/2012 09:18

MyKiddies - i could have written your post myself. My daughter is in Yr 6 at primary school and hasn't really been happy since Yr 4 and since getting in this group of 3 with two other girls who are very strong characters. She constantly feels left out and I am always telling her to be friends with everybody - not just limiting herself to these two. I've tried to encourage her to have different interests outside school as she is not musical or sporty but I'm finding that particularly in Yr 6 there seem to be loads of team sports competitions that she has no hope of getting into or interest in. I am counting down the days until she starts secondary school. However, I'm really worried that as I've got such high hopes for secondary it will be a disappointment - particularly as she is going to an all girls school. I had various unhappy times at school - usually down to friendships with girls. I feel schools need to spend more time encouraging positive relationships and friendships with girls in particular. Sorry for the rant but I'm feeling very stressed about it all at the moment. Any advice would be fantastic.

mykiddies · 21/03/2012 12:00

This is at an all girls school! She is yr 8 so this is 1st year. After advice yesterday she sat with other girls in class and lunch. I don't want her limiting herself so have told her to talk to more girls and not just these 2 . If they see they can't walk all over her and she stands up for herself more then that's good. They have been communicating on Skype which I don't like and she showed me one of the girls messaging and tbh she came across as quite insecure calling herself fat ugly etc?? I think if she has more of a I couldn't care less what you do attitude it will not come across she is upset by things but at the same time I know that's not her. I don't like this situation in schools where girls are in pairs in my day we sat at a long table or in a group. Yesterday seemed to go ok though. Girls can be nasty and immature!

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hamlett · 22/03/2012 14:44

I'm not alone then. DD in Yr8 makes plans with one girl then other finds out and the plan gets cancelled. Found in difficult transition to secondary that humour is essential! at home. God bless Michael Macintyre as the dvd provided relief. DD doesn't need things to be heavy at home as well. We're trying to be creative in things to do at home as she's an only child. She's grown up enough for her not to want us to get involved and is trying to work this out herself but lots of tears.

mykiddies · 23/03/2012 16:47

It's hard not to get involved. I would rather she came to me which she did so I have an idea what is going on in her head at times. It's easy to get out of the way of communicating. The advice re mixing more seems to have worked (for now)....she says the 2 girls are being friendly with it because they see she isn't as dependant on them as they thought. Humour is essential yes.

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NanaNina · 01/05/2012 15:32

My lovely DIL is a primary school teacher and her daughter (my precious g'dghtr!) has started at an independent school (all girls) My son and her mom are having to make a big sacrifice to send her, and she is an only child. She is a lovely girl (not biased in any way you understand) but she is on the shy side though had a nice little group of friends in primary school. I have secretly been worrying that the "posh" kids won't want to be friends with her, especially as most of them in the class of 15! have been together in the lower school since they were 5. So there were about 6 new girls in her class and the one she really liked (an American girl) was only there for the first term. However she seems fine and has been to lots of sleep overs, but I still worry, as most of these girls are from wealthy families. My son and dil have a nice house too, but not standing in it's own grounds!

Anyway back to friends. I said to my g/dght when her friend was leaving at Christmas "you need to find other friends or you'll be stuck when x leaves" and my DIL quietly said "she won't be stuck" and I could see I shouldn't have said what I did - it's just I love her so much!

My son is also a primary school teacher but doesn't say much about his job but my DIL always has year 5 or 6 and says the friendship groups with the girls are always changing and she has parents coming in worrying that someone has fallen out with their daughter etc etc. My DIL says that the best thing a parent can do is to teach their child to cope with difficult situations, as they will find them all along life's path, and other than that parents should keep out of the whole issue of friends, especially with girls. She practicies what she preaches too and rarely asks x about friends at school, whereas I am always "mentioning" it just to re-assure myself. She sometimes says "Oh I don't like x any more, she is always moaning" and if I innocently ask "Oh I haven't heard you talk about x for ages - are you still friends" ""Mmm " she says and I decide to shut up and take my DILs advice but it's hard.

Also I am worried as she is a bit on the heavy side (not fat) but certainly not skinny and all the other kids coming out of school look skinny, and clothes are a problem becasue everything seems to be made for tall skinny girls. My gr/dghtr hates girlie things, so lives in jeans T shirt and zip up or hoodie. Also she is having a hormone surge and has spots on her brow and by her nose, and again I don't see other girls with bad skin although I read that 80% of adolescents will suffer from spots at sometime. I was "casually" mentioning to my DIL that I had been looking at a range of skin care products tha were expensive but might help. She just said "oh come off it, she's just got to go through it" and gr/dghtr is not in the least bothered about them, but maybe as she gets older, though Igather they come and go. Again my DIL was the sensible one!

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