Help, what has happened to 11 year old since starting secondary

[Chavmum]

11 yr ds started secondary in sep and his behaviour is growing increasingly worse. He's had problems a long time ago which I'd rather not go into, but they were dealt with at the time and up till now have shown no signs of resurfacing.

He's telling apalling lies to the school, that he's being abused at home, he's not. The school contacted social services, however the school thankfully now know he's lying. He's told the school he's being bullied and got other kids in trouble, he's not.

We've explained to him the consequences that cld happen when you make stuff up like that, but he doesn't get it and just does it again.

He's getting increasingly defiant and angry.

He also steals.

We've tried a reward system for him to earn pocket money for good behaviour and doing jobs, but he gets very angry when he loses money due to bad behaviour.

This sounds bad but he also plays on his past issues by saying people have said something about him and that's why he's done what he did. They haven't said anything and I think he's using it to get out of trouble. Initially the school believed him and I believe have made the problem worse as he now thinks if he says that he can get out of trouble and even get good attention and sympathy.

I think a lot of it is teenage type behaviour but wonder whether a child psychologist could help. The lying issues bother me, especially what he's saying. Has anyone any ideas/experience to help. Thanks

bump

I would make an appointment to see his form tutor or head of year. They now know the problem. I would ask their advice-which might well be referring to a child psychologist. Has he had trauma in his life? Is he angry about something?

We've been into the school to see the year head after his initial accusations and are now in constant communication. There is some incident every week. He is angry and has had a trauma which would have affected him, however, i don't think its just that as he has been ok until he started secondary school. The school are attempting to help but i don't feel its sufficient

I think that you need outside help-I would ask the school for suggestions for referral.

How about asking for a referral to CAMHS?

Cece, what is that for?

child and adolescent mental health service.

You can go via your GP not just via school.

Sounds the best way cece and then you can choose to get it through school or through the GP.

Thanks, will try go. So you think this is more than just teenager behaviour?

It seems like extreme attention seeking behaviour to me.
Has he made friends at the school? does he feel valued and noticed by his teachers?
Are you sure he isn't being bullied?

I think the nature of the lies would worry me.

He seems to be okay at the school, has friends and is generally happy going there. He definately isn't being bullied.

Cece, that's what bothers me plus the not understanding of the possible consequences. We do have a large family so i wondered if it was to get attention but its so extreme

If you are calling it extreme, then you could do with outside help.

It's not going to hurt is it if you asked for him to be assessed. You are clearly worried and I think I would be too in your situation.

Hi. I had the same problem with my son. He started secondary school and changed. He lied, stole and had some sort of incident or other every other day. This went on for about 6 months and is gradually getting better. I first started with the school. I keep in contact with his teachers and head of year and I know his every move. And he knows I know because we talk to him freely about our conversations. His guidance councillor t school referred me to a free service at hammersmith council that deals with adolescents and family issues and one of the councillors goes to the school to hang out and chat to my son every Thursday. My son looks forward to these meetings now because their approach is different to a psychologist- different angle.

I also went to my doctor who referred me to someone who I am only meeting in May- also at my sons school.

I was desperate and needed to get through to him but I never gave up, even though sometimes I almost thought I couldn't bear it anymore because my child was a saint. Basically he just wanted to be like the cool kids but to him being cool is being like one of the kids that gets excluded.

I let my friends talk to him too. Some of my friends have amazing jobs like work for airlines, banking, dancers and they all have an influence on him. I realised that when he knows that people know what he has done, he gets embarrassed about it so I'll say on a Monday, right, this weekyou have £5 that's yours on Friday if you stick to your rules (10 rules we both came up with together) and Saturday we will visit your aunt and tell her all the cool things you did. I'll talk about it all week.

Trust me, you have to work hard. Come up with a million different ways but you have to stick to it. Anything broken can be fixed.

Good luck :)

Hello, mine has had quite a few of the same things. He is an only child too, so no excuses of not enough attention! We got the school counsellor involved which really helped, he still does things, but they have got a little less serious. The shrink we saw also said to us that this is a lack of confidence thing too and he feels he has to do this to look hard or some such thing. So finding ways to boost his confidence in other areas, mine is in all the school teams and really good at other things, so it doesn't seem related to reality, just their reality!

The other thing they have said to us is to give him responsibility to make his own choices and coach him on standing on his own feet. This is working a bit too, but it is a long haul!

Also, it's happening to more people than we think, so don't think you are on your own! Good luck!