10 yr old daughter 'hates me' then went for me then ran out the house!
chocolatekimmy · 22/01/2012 20:51
I'm mentally and physically drained after two hours of stress and upset that started over hardly anything.
I know that she is extremely tired but she was unbelievable - rude, completely unreasonable, defensive - things I've seen before but not to this extent. I was calm up to the point she she got past me by pushing me then I lost it and flipped and started shouting at her. That bit ended with her screaming she hates me (a first) and I'm ashamed to say I called her a little cow (blush). Dad went to see her after she had been in her room a while and she was angry with him, doesn't like her sister (thinks she gets all the attention). She started shouting again when I reminded her of what I have done for her lately - supporting her through some friendship/bullying issues (school doing a good job to help).
She then jumped off the bed and came at me pushing me and trying to hit me. Next thing she is running downstairs so I legged it after her but she'd unlocked the door and was running down the road.
I had to chase her and drag her back to the house by her wrist and Dad carried her up to her room. We've left her to it now but I've been in a right state, feeling helpless and incapable. When it was all going on I thought what do you do, who can help you when its out of control like this?
We've had a good day, went to cinema with her two sisters then to my parents where just the two of us took the dog for a walk - all quite normal.
I'd be so grateful of any tips of how to handle it when it gets this extreme, she was in such a state. I've just been to see her and she wanted me to get into bed with her for a cuddle when I asked but she is half asleep so we didn't talk. I'm not sure how to handle it in the morning, I can't just ignore what happened and I'm feeling resentment against her because I've been hurt. Its all such a mess - help! :(
takeonboard · 23/01/2012 15:49
I can imagine how draining it must be for you and for her
It could be her hormones, which means that there will be more to come...Or could the bullying you mentioned still be going on?
I hope you are both feeling better today.
kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/01/2012 07:20
How did it go? My DD is a mass of jangling hormones at the moment and doesn't seem to know how to let them go.
She hasn't got to the stage of running away, but, I think if she knew the area better she might consider it.
I would look further into the bullying and make sure it has been resolved.
BiancaCastafiore · 25/01/2012 07:35
:( we have had several incidents like this over the past few months (and the occasional outburst in the past too, but I suspect that was down to friendship issues which have passed now)
My dd is 10.8 and is pretty settled a school (just slight anxiety over moving up to senior school) She has a couple of good close friends; no bullying issues (as far as I'm aware) and is mostly a lovely girl. BUT when she sees red (after at hardly anything like your dd, chocolatekimmy) she really loses it, shouting and ranting and being aggressive to both myself and dh (although it's mostly aimed at me :( ) and then takes ages to calm down. I'm also ashamed to say that I have shouted back although it doesn't do any good so I do try to keep myself calm - but my calm voice has the opposite effect and seems to annoy her more than if I was angry back!
Dd is very sorry once she's calm and regrets her temper. When we talk about it she's often unaware of things she said/did in rage. She doesn't understand what triggered it (as I say, often nothing out of the ordinary) or why it went so far.
I have no idea who to turn to; but you're not alone. I'm just hoping it's hormonal and will at least settle and become more understandable as time goes on.
slipperandpjsmum · 25/01/2012 14:29
All I can say is thank god its not just happening to me!!
My dd is 9 and has an awful temper. The slightest thing can trigger her off eg its time to go to bed now, can you stop coming into our bedroom its time to settle down now - anything that requires her to do something she doesn't want to.
We have been at a loss for some time how to manage her behavior. We had an assessment undertaken privately. The only issue it highlighted was low self esteem in relation to school. We went into school agreed and action plan, reviewed it, re-planned it. We mirror it at home.
As Bianca said when she loses it she really loses it and regularly shouts she hates me, which devastated me initially but almost feels meaningless now. I also try and remain calm but being calm makes her angry.
Once its over she is very sorry but if I say the wrong thing or react in the wrong way then shes off again!
It really does feel like I am in some kind of abusive relationship now. If I don't do what she wants when she wants it I have to face her anger. Its so draining and sometimes I feel like my heart will break. I had a wonderful relationship with my Mum as a child and always thought of her as my best friend and had hoped for the same with my daughter, however, our relationship could not be further from the one I had at her age.
I just don't know what to do. When she was little she was the most wonderful wonderful little girl but somewhere between then and now things went so wrong and I can't work out why. I keep thinking just keep going and things will get better but then I feel I am wishing her childhood away and that makes me so very sad.
chickensaresafehere · 25/01/2012 14:49
My dd is 12 this Sunday and I'm afraid to say she is a nightmare too
Exactly the same problems you are all encountering.Flying off the handle over a really trivial incident which then escalates into full blown shouting.She was grounded this weekend,which inflamed the problem no end,so dh took her phone off her!!Which was like chopping her arm off!!
She too has low self esteem in relation to school & keeps saying she isn't any good at anything.
But I cannot agree enough with youslipperandpjsmum,it is all very,very sad,but I hope that we will get it over & done with early on,as it is very wearing & upsetting
Cloudminnow · 03/02/2012 09:20
My 11 year old ds is very similar to what has been described here. He has just run out of the house to school all by himself because he was so cross that I made him wear school shoes (tries any excuse to wear trainers or plimsolls). Went so fast that I couldn't even catch up with him. Every time he is asked to do something that he doesn't want to do, the emotional tempo escalates very quickly and extremely, and it's very upsetting. I now dread weekends as they are ruined by his anger (swearing, shouting, slamming, sulking, hurtful remarks etc). Having to consider every action and remark in case it sets him off is extremely draining. I'm trying not to dwell on my fears about what he will be like once he starts secondary school. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
mrssmooth · 03/02/2012 09:40
My dd2 is also like this, she's just turned 9. It's heartbreaking to hear her shouting "I hate you" or "you're not my mum any more" (I had both screamed at me last night) and it's the silliest things that trigger it - usually, in dd2's case, being asked to do something like brush her teeth/make her bed, daft things like that which starts her off. I don't have any words of wisdom, I'm afraid, just to say I know what you are going through and will be watching the thread in the hope that someone can offer some help.
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