I just want to cry for my dd.

[CeliaFate]

Yesterday I posted this.
Dd is really feeling upset today. It's not the fact that she's the only one not invited to the birthday party (she and the b'day girl don't get on) but the fact that they all go off to discuss it and leave dd on her own. She gets left out when they're looking for seats, she gets left behind if she leaves the class after them, they don't treat her well at all, but she has nobody else to go round with so she feels in a catch 22.
Her good friend from primary's birthday was yesterday (different girl) and she had two friends to sleepover, neither of which was dd, so she was upset by that.
Her confidence, which was starting to pick up, is plummeting again and I feel powerless to help her. I was never a popular girl, or in the "in crowd" and it looks like dd is going to find it difficult to fit in.

WWYD?

I could have written your op. In fact some of the details are so scarily similar I thought for a second that I had .
Im finding it so hard to sit back and watch my dd struggle. She seems to be losing her spirit and shes only been at Secondary for 3 months. She was such a happy, bubbly girl in Primary and started Year 7 that way and I have been trying to work out why no-one has any time for her now. She is fairly young for her age but she is really trying to keep up with the others and is trying her best to make new friends even to the extent of buying them cupcakes and snacks at break time (I have told her to stop doing this). School trip next week and I know like the trip last month she will be the only one without anyone to sit beside.
I guess the only thing we can do is keep talking to them and let them know they can talk to us about anything especially when they are feeling down. I think after school clubs and keeping in touch with primary friends is also a good idea, at least I hope, although I found myself agreeing with her last night when we had a talk and she said she cant imagine having to go through the whole of secondary like this .
Hope someone will come along and give us the answer. Best of luck and an unmumsnetty hug for your dd.

You really feel for her. Has she tried outside interests? It is a good way to make friends if you have things in common.

Its tough!!
Like Exotic said, an interest out of school may be a good idea to increase her social circle and self confidence.

My dd1 is now 20. She had a terrible time from about year 7. It was horrible and heartbreaking. She just never really had "good" friends and was the first one to be left out of any social event or party or anything.
All I can say is that DD1 now has the best friends she has ever had, she has the most friends she has ever had and she is the happiest she has ever been!! Its been a long time coming and has only developed since she moved back home 4 months ago, but these seem like solid, mature friendships

I honestly think that she is a lovely caring resilient person who works really hard and has done well in life and I am sure that a lot of that is down to her having to "go it alone" through most of secondary school. This time and trouble will help to form your DDs character for the better. Lots of love and acceptance at home which I am sure you are doing.

((hugs)) for you, too, because I think it is more painful to watch our dd go through this than when we went through it at that age. (I, too, was a quiet teenager, never one of the crowd and very insecure! )

I have DSs so I think that it makes it easier. Having said that DS2 had similar problems in yr7. He went to secondary school with his best friend from the juniors and they got very friendly with another who had been generally friendly in the juniors and they were joined by a 4th from a different school. I was really pleased because DS2 had always found change difficult.He was enjoying life and then, after about 6months the generally friendly one from the juniors moved out of the area and the whole dynamics changed. The one from the different school decided he liked the best friend but he didn't like DS. DS was getting a hard time and according to him it left him with no friends, anyone I mentioned was no good for some reason or other. I found it upsetting, and a bit surprising, not expecting it with boys.
The breakthrough came when he stopped trying to be part of the friendship and he ended up with a completely different circle.
Perhaps she needs to forget these old friends and try ones she doesn't know. When I started secondary school my best friend said that she had 'outgrown me'. I did something quite out of character for me and just walked off and asked some others if I could join them. It was easier than I thought and the best friend, when she saw us was miffed( apparently I was supposed to cry in the toilets!) She joined us and didn't do it again.
Looking outside school is also a good idea.

Like Ella I could also have written this. It's heart breaking it really is.

DD2 is in 1st year at high school, she had a couple of really bad experiences at primary (one girl in particular who was evil and had a psycho mother). She is often the one who sits on her own on the coach on trips, it is tearing me apart.

She is a sweet girl, she doesn't have a nasty bone in her body - maybe that's the problem.

I am reassured by Positive's post. I was not hugely popular from 11-16, but then I lost my braces, grew up a bit and started to blossom. I just hope I can guide DD through this minefield and that she will come out of the other end unscathed.

Oh god it's hideous isn't it?

My ds had some of this a couple of years ago and I told him to stop trying to get in with teh popular kids, go and find the unpopular ones and hang out with them. They were mostly sweet, quirky kids and he made friends with them and then gradually as his confidence grew he moved up the ranks iyswim!

Think outside of school- youth clubs, drama things, a choir, street dancing, orchestra, swimming, something that will--
fill her time
boost her confidence
give her another dimension to talk about
opportunity to meet others

Your DD should strike out on her own, give the impression she is not bothered "oh yeah it was your party with everyone wasn't it? Happy Birthday" and walk off. The more unattainable and "interesting" she is the more appealing she will be to the others. Girls are so fickle in their friendships, I am sure it will turn around soon.

Oh yes, I could have written this too!! My DD is 13 this month and has exactly the same problems - always the one to be left out, no one to sit next to on the school bus. It terrible and I can't give you any advice, but I just wanted you to know that it's not your daughters fault it just seems to happen nowadays. The only thing I try to do is when one of these "events" is taking place that my DD is not included in I try and take her out somewhere nice so that she's not at home wondering what's going on AND then she gets to read all about it on Facebook - but that's a whole new problem!!
I do so feel for you and your DD ( sending you both all the support and hugs I can)

We are experiencing the same problems too. I was about to post when I found this thread. My dd is in year 7 and is struggling to make friends. She sees people being invited here and there and then reads on fb what a wonderful time everyone had. I love fb for me but for teens feeling left out I think it is just hideous. I fear for her self confidence. She had such high hopes for secondary. I am just hoping for her and you all that things shake down and that some of the kids who are hanging round the cool kids realise that they are not necessarily the nice kids.
I am about to post for advice and would be really grateful for your thoughts

It is sad-I wish that I had the answers. FB has distinct drawbacks. Trying an interest outside school seems the best bet. Are there clubs they can join in school?

My DD had a really tough time in year 7.she was left out of everything,only one friend that would leave her alone for sombody else imediately.She didnt wear the "right clothes" and refused to wear designer (prinsciples) and didnt wear the skinny school jeans.She wasnt sporty and wasnt the best or good at anything,it was awful.She had no confidence either.She didnt tell me what the matter was but i could hear her crying always.Then in year 8 she found writing.she had always enjoyed reading ,but soon she got her short story published,met her best friend in writing club.Neither of them are "popular or fashionable but now they have each other.my advice would be to encourage your DD to enroll her in afterschool hobbys or reading.anything , to make her feel like she can fall back onto somthing.

Dd goes to 2 after school clubs which she enjoys, but it's the daily events with her friends that wear her down. One girl has appointed herself the leader and the others bow down to her demands. Dd is not one of the favoured ones, so everything is now deemed her fault. This girl did something wrong and said "Oh, dd, that's your fault" when dd was nowhere near. The others chimed in "yes it's your fault" so dd tried to stick up for herself but they were having none of it.
I really want to give this girl a piece of my mind. It's very hard to sit back and watch dd come home every day with stories of how they leave her out, run away from her, blame her etc.

wow this is the first time I have been on mumsnet and reading all the things you have put in your messages give me some reassurance that I am not going mad and that other people are going through this! My daughter is currently in year 6 and has recently been having "issues" with other children in her class. She has always had lots of friends -boys and girls up till now but recently the girls have started switching friendship groups and also (totally ) ridiculous some have got "boyfriends" - I use this term loosely!Some of the girls want to be with the so called "popular" girls which I haven't a clue what this means!!!! Throw into the mix a good dose of hormones! It's very difficult at times to know what to do and say to your child most of the time I think she's okay at school but she has told me that she feels left out and can't wait for secondary school, when a lot of them will be split up. Lots of the children have this thing of falling out with someone one minute and then friends the next. My daughter finds this bewildering. She does have a couple of good friends - a boy and a girl. I am just worried about her self esteem as she is a really nice girl (and I'm not just saying that because she's mine!!). She also has a good friend outside the school that we keep in touch with. I have told her the usual things that hopefully sec school will be better and that it's a good idea to join lots of clubs, activites when she's there and that the boys are just silly (there is one boy in particular who is nasty to a few of them - calling a couple of the boys who don't play with the others gay and so on). Another thing , would anybody recommend approaching the class teacher confidentialy or not? ). I encourage her to talk about things but don't want the situation to get worse or am I over reacting ?- I haven't given specifics but some things are similar to what some of you have written.Sorry this so long - getting carried away!

It's weird isn't it - we all probably live in different areas of the country and have totally different lives and families, but the same issues and word "populars" keep cropping up. Wish I knew the answer - just love and support and make home a "haven/sanctuary" they can come home to. Hope everyone's DC are all having a better time of it! Take care

Dd has had enough of the mean girls after an incident last week when one of them lied about her, saying she'd told another girl they didn't like her (dd never said this, even the girl said dd hadn't). She'd been getting more pally with 2 other girls who are more like dd so now she hangs round with them and not the mean girls - who then had the bloody nerve to tell dd she was a "ditcher" for not continuing to go round with them!

I've told her to be pleasant and polite to these girls, but stick with friends who truly like her. Dd now says "When I go to school now I'm smiling all the time, instead of always running trying to keep up with mean girls".

celia I'm so pleased it better for your daughter it makes your life a lot happier too I'm sure

I was about to start a new thread when I found this one - my DD1 is 9 (10 in a couple of months, in year 5) and I don't know what I can do to help her find more friends. She has one friend at school but if she's ill DD has no one to play with. She arrived at the school in year 1 when we moved to the village and has had other friends in the past who have subsequently left the school, so a lot of it is bad luck, but when I see her alone and unhappy it makes me feel like crying. We live very close to the school so I can actually see her in the playground if I happen to be outside at break time.

She has endless activities after school, and seems to get on fine with the other children there, but she's often the youngest in these clubs, I suspect she gets on better with older kids. It doesn't help at school though, as they're forced into socialising with their own age group. I feel so upset that for the last couple of years the only birthday parties she's been to are her own and this one other girl's - she invites kids to hers but they don't ask her back. They had a residential school trip last year and were asked who they wanted to share a room with, and not even DD's best friend said her, which really upset her. She often doesn't tell me about these things until well after the event, which makes it hard for me to help or offer advice (e.g. the issue of room sharing at the residential was only mentioned the morning they were due to go).

What can I do to help her? She's young for her age in many ways and has always seemed to find it difficult to socialise. Her best friend's house is on the market at the moment and I think they may move away as well, I'm so worried DD will go to high school in 18 months and have no support group around her.

Two things spring to mind, nightingale:

first make sure that she really is unhappy- some children actually like being loners until the adults around start feeling sorry for them

secondly, if she is unhappy, make it very clear to her that nothing is written in stone: things may well change as she grows older.

plenty of people find it easier to make friends in secondary, because everybody is that little bit more grown up and they don't have that thing about best friend, second best friend etc- dd and ds just tend to go round in a big group and there is no hurt if you are not sharing every experience with the same person

Thanks Cory, I do hope things get better at high school for her, just another 18 months of primary school to get through first.

My DD was very popular in years r-2, then moved with pretty much everyone up the road to the primary and was gradually ditched by everyone. We talked to the teachers, but they only really believed how bad it was in year 6 (after my comments they sent a student teacher out to see what was happening at break and DD was sitting reading by herself, and said she did this every day).
Fortunately the ring leaders went to other schools, and secondary has been much much better.
She had a fall out with some friends the other week, but had other friends to hang out with, so it really didn't cause her too much grief.
I really think it is crucial through these years, to have outside school interests, preferably with totally different girls to school. It has kept my DD sane.

My DD is 10 and in year 5 and she too has found friendships hard this year. Her best friend from reception has drifted away with another friend so she doesn't play with her 2 best friends and I see them excluding her in the playground in the morning - lots of whispering!
However, I think in the long run it may do her good, as she's had to make some new friends. I've had a few round for tea but no return invites yet. I too am not popular and never have been, and I think she doesn't actually bother to make herself fit in or be more likeable. It's a shame cos she used to be Miss popular when they first started

This thread is so sad.

I think the key is to be friendly, helpful and sociable with a wide variety of people, have outside interests and don't stick closely to 1 or 2 friends but have lots of people you'd like to spend time with.
I would also never alter my plans so my dc could be nearer to or spend more time with their current friends - it narrows their social circle. Dd had to get a different bus to all her friends, she was understandably nervous but now has made lots of new friends.

Like others I felt I could have written some of the OP. DS is in year 6 and for the past couple of months we have had some problems. He has had a best friend since year R and although they have been best mates DS's best friend has had lots of other friends too but DS has just a couple of friends. For the last 6 months DS has had problems with one of the boys in the group. I think they wind each other up the wrong way but this boys mum and I have sat the boys down and told them it is silly to argue.
Yesterday I let DS go to the park with his friends but this boy he has had problems with was trying to encourage the other boys to play with him and not DS. There were some disagreements in the park which have carried on today at school.
Tomorrow DS and his friends have to pick a buddy to move up with to their new school (year 76) Anyway DS went swimming tonight with his best pal and a few others tonight and came out really upset to say that his best pal is going to pick someone else tomorrow and not him. His best pal told him that he wanted to move up with this other boy and does not want to be with DS.
I feel so sad for DS as they have been friends since they were 4 but I have said he will make new friends but he has gone to bed really upset.
I found it hard to make friends when younger and hated all this upset at school and find myself back at school all over again!
It seems that all these boys have been saying not nice things to DS and this boy he does not get along with told him yesterday no-one likes him.
I just dont know what to do. I am going to speak to his teacher in the morning and have suggested that when the teacher asks him to pick a buddy tomorrow he says he does not know. I just worry he will sit there and no-one will pick him. I feel so sad and upset that no-one seems to like my DS. He is a lovely boy who at times can be a annoying but this seems really hurtful . Can anyone offer me some advice. Thanks

I was like your daughter. Catty all girls school where the in crowd were merciless. I wish I had had the sense then not to give a fuck about them and make better friends with the other ordinaries. That said I am still very close to a girl from school who I actually mostly saw out of school

Echo out if school interests - music, drama were my saving graces.