12 year old dd - lazy, lazy, lazy

[shagmundfreud]

...... and rude, and obstructive.

I'm in a state of almost terminal exasperation with her over the fact that she won't:

get up in the morning

go to bed (we send her up to bed at 9.30 on a school night, but she's still rattling around on the landing at 11pm making excuses about going to the toilet, getting water etc)

tidy her room - it's now so messy you can't open the door properly

hang her coat up/put her bag away/put her school shoes on the shoe rack - she dumps everything on the floor as she comes in

do her homework - and she constantly loses her planner/project books etc. Always behind on her work, always

remember her detentions (so she ends up getting more)

keep hold of her dinner card or her pe kit: she's lost £30 worth of kit and £10 worth of cards this term alone.

she throws her rubbish on the floor instead of putting it in the bin

she won't bath unless you nag her

4 days out of 5 she'll walk in, ask what we're eating and then say she doesn't like it and can she have money to go out and buy something else

she never, every does anything the first, second, third or fourth time you ask her. Ask her a fifth time and she screams at you for nagging her.

She borrows my make-up without asking and then spoils it by leaving the tops off or loses it altogether.

She asks for things and for privileges constantly. If you say no she'll follow you around the house for an hour shouting and pleading at the top of her voice.

She has no hobbies. She's lazy at school and at home.

I know most if not all of this is normal teenage behaviour, and teenage is where she's heading, but I don't know if I can take years and years of this. I'm so exhausted with her. Any thoughts?

Sounds like me at that age. There was such a lot going on in my head that the real world didn't really matter for a while. It's not that I was deliberately being lazy, but I was clumsy, forgetful and daydreamy.

What worked for you wrt your DD in the past is no longer working. So try to find something that will help her to engage with you. I know it's hard, but please don't call her names. It won't help.

BTW, I didn't turn out too bad in the end.

God she sounds like my 11yo ds!! Teens (ish) are soooo much fun aren't they. Have you had the " you don't understand","you don't love me" moments yet? They feel so nice .

I have an almost 11 year old who is exhibiting some of the same tendencies. She's done nothing but whinge (long and loud) for the last 2 hours (we're in a different time zone).

I've been patient, but finally, when I point out (charitably) that perhaps her trying behaviour is because she is overtired she says that I am the one making her cranky!

Guess it is always the parent's fault - eh?

The least little thing can cause an argument. It is impossible to correct them without it being seen as a criticism.

I just want us to enjoy each other, but sadly, it seems we are at odds far too often.

Do you live with me OP?
I know that my DD is badly behaved in much the same way as yours because she is tired. She will not agree that the reason she can't get up in the morning and is tearful and snappy is because she needs to sleep when she goes to bed.
She is a different child at the weekends when she can lay in.
You have my sympathy.

"I know it's hard, but please don't call her names"

She's lazy. She knows she is. How else to describe her behaviour? 'Motivationally challenged'?

Interesting what you say kreecher - maybe getting her to sleep more should be my target, but she's so hyper in the evenings. All the time actually. Isn't that weird - a child who's hyper and indolent at the same time? She's in a constant lather about her friendships at school - who she's fallen out with/in with. Non-stop talking. Vickie Pollard stylee....

I'd love to enjoy her more - she can be super fun when she's on form. But I'm in such a constant state of simmering resentment about how unhelpful and rude she is that it's a real challenge to let go of those feelings.

I'm no expert, but I spent some time going through similar stuff a while back with dd(13) and I can tell you a few things that work for us/me:

all privileges e.g. computer use, watching tv, going out - are just that: privileges and are withdrawn if behaviour is crap;
any money she gets (allowance, treat money etc) is earned. For instance, she HAS to clean the bathroom once a week - without me nagging (part of the deal) - and keep up with her schoolwork.
Also, she loses stuff - she pays at least half of the replacement cost. Hit them where it hurts (in their entertainment budget) and they usually start to take care of their stuff better.
Hide all the stuff that is yours that you don't want her to borrow. Then she has to ask. Then you get to decide whether she can use it or not.

I find I have to set firm boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise, I just get walked all over and she doesn't learn to take responsibility for anything.

PS: It's perfectly OK to say someone is being lazy, rude and obstructive if they are. They need to learn that these behaviours have consequences and that better behaviour will also have knock-on benefits for them.

Bin bags? Set a deadline and whatever is on the floor in her bedroom or the hall gets packed up.

Washing strike? If it is not in the hamper, it doesn't get washed and she takes the consequences for turning up to school without correct clothes.

It sounds as though she's very stressed to me. My dd has just started secondary school and the worst aspect of it by far has been the emotional fall-out when friendships go wrong.
I don't work, so I can make sure a lot of things run smoothly and homework, kit etc. are ready and in the right place. That makes a big difference. It's a huge organisational shift to be responsible for the right books on the right day and to be in the right place etc.
You need a time out.
Plan a day when you can spend time together and re-connect (sorry to sound so wanky, but ykwim!)
Then ask her what she thinks is causing stress at home and what she'd like to do about it. Then tell her your ideas and together come up with a compromise.

I recommend this website and also the book "Queen bees and wannabes".

To me, it sounds as though she's lost her way and needs direction.
Good luck, let us know how you get on.

well tackling all of it would just wear me out. When she comes in the door and dumps everything on the floor, I'd want that put away tidily before anything else at all happens. But I would try and be a bit light-handed about it, I mean make it clear but clothed in a bit of banter. This is how I do it anyway.

The food. Just no way, she has to sit down and eat with everyone else and if she won't eat what you are having. She can butter a slice of bread and follow it with an apple. Finished. I wouldn't ever give her money for a take-away when I have cooked for the family. She can get a take-away for the whole family once in a while maybe but otherwise I'd make it clear: it never happens.

Washing I would insist on too. She won't be doing herself any favours if people at school pick up on her smelling. You remember how horrible kids can be at school given half a chance. It can be a short bath and still be effective. Maybe earlier before she gets into whatever things she mopes about doing in her rubbish dump bedroom.

Hard , isn't it? I'd tackle one of two things with iron consistencyand then when they are hopefully sorted, gently, gently, the next etc... She will wash when she gets a crush on a boy I'd imagine.

Thanks everyone!

We've done most of the things you've mentioned. I NEVER give her money to buy a different dinner with, but she doesn't let that stop her from badgering me about it.

I think I'll have to take control of her stuff more so she doesn't lose things so often. I've made her type out a homework timetable and fill it in each week.

She's lost her laptop/phone for WEEKS at a time because of rudeness and not doing school work. She'll be good for just long enough to get it back and then slip straight back into her old ways. Very frustrating. Oh, and we've blocked Facebook. Wish we'd done it months ago!

Love the website CeliaFate - thanks for that!

Currently reading 'Get Out of My Life! But first take me and Alex into town', which is very helpful.

Gosh, we really need a bit of encouragement don't we? This parenting lark is hard. I've got a 6 year old ds with ASD and ADHD too. Between him and dd I'm on my knees. My middle one is pretty amenable, but even he has to schedule a few hissy fits in here and there when he feels his family profile's getting a bit low.....

"She will wash when she gets a crush on a boy I'd imagine."

She's getting boy fixated already. And is so hormonal and womanish looking - she turned 12 in August but has already got a 34D bust, spots, etc. And a very sharp tongue. I bet the boys are scared of her!

OP are you me? My 12yo DD is the same :)
One thing at a time and hoping for the day she grows out of this phase :)

OMG, my daughter must have a twin living with you.

She is exactly the same - posted on another thread about her hitching her skirts right up for school after she leaves the house - . She's boy mad and that drives me mad

Mine is lazy too, have started to introduce more chores recently as her sitting in front of the telly with her phone drives me mad - I'm just bringing her up to be lazy. She screamed that making her do chores is child abuse, so I told her that she doesn't have to do them if she doesn't want any pocket money - that sent her into a frenzy.

Meant to recommend this book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk'

I don't know how to do the fancy link where you just post a word and it takes you there