Yr 7 DD being left out already

[Pebbleonabeach]

DD came home very sad yesterday as all the girls she is starting to get friendly with have arranged to go on a shopping trip today (inset day) and she has not been invited. She has just started new school and didn't know anyone in her class from her old school (but neither do a lot of the girls), she was getting on okay with her new classmates (she always has someone to spend break or lunch with), but now she is wondering why she is being left out. I have met the mum of the girl organising the trip - should I have a word with her and see if the girl will include my DD or am I best just keeping out of it? At her old school she has a close group of friends but they were bullied by some of the other girls in their year and she started this school really eager to put all this behind her and start again. So I am really upset that it seems to be happening again after only 2 weeks.

[Aftereightsaremine]

Oh I feel for you. Dd has struggled too even now that she us in year 8.

I tend to try & get her to arrange things - shopping, cinema trip for example.

I wouldn't say anything to other parent but that's because I am a coward.

[wellwisher]

for your DD, but don't say anything to the other mum - she's much too old for you to be trying to control her social life in this way and it will make her look silly.

Do you have time to do something nice with DD today?

[Pebbleonabeach]

Thanks. Yes arranged for her to meet up with one of her old friends later on and we are just having a girly day together today. I suggested previously that she arrange a trip to go to cinema her new classmates but she is quite shy.

[crazynanna]

I noticed this with my dd (now yr 9). It seemed to change when dd starting inviting her new friends around to our house. It seemed to include her more.Have them over for pizza and a dvd

[Pebbleonabeach]

Thats a great idea for pizza and DVD - hadn't thought of that. Thanks

[chrchrch]

Would she enjoy going on a shopping trip, with girls she didn't know a fortnight ago? Or is it just not being asked?

Curious, because my DD's response would be 'Thanks, I'll think about it' or 'I'll let you know', and let the invite pass. Luckily she's made a couple of similar new friends, and they now also have a wider circle, who probably are not as certain about their dis/likes, but hang out with them because they're less intolerant than some, so there's less pressure to conform.

[Pebbleonabeach]

Tbh it was the not being invited that was the issue and the fact that it seems all the other girls in the same "group" were.

[Bellavita]

Noooo don't go speaking to the other mum, definitely not the thing to do when a child starts secondary school.

As others have said, let her arrange something. If she is shy, then perhaps give her a few tips on how to approach the other girls and what to say. Maybe do a bit of role play with her so she is comfortable asking them.

[early80sgirl]

my dd is now in y8 and something similar happened to her last year when she had just started y7 , the only differnce being that it was a party of one of her supposed "good friends " left her out , she was so hurt by this , however fast forward one year and shes made a lovely set of new friends and tbh im glad shes moved away from these not so nice friends and found out what they were sooner rather than later , my dd is too a quiet girl and quite sensitive , im sure your dd will soon find her feet and all will be well , its so hard when theyre left out , i know i felt awful for her , i hope your dd finds some lovely pals and enjoys her y7 xx

[Pebbleonabeach1]

I agreed with DD to have a get together in half term but now am really worried we are doing the wrong thing. She cannot invite the whole class so I have suggested about 10, but this means that she will be leaving people out and I really do not want her to offend girls in her class and make the situation worse. Any advice - I am wondering whether to cancel the whole thing (I used to be a confident, decisive person before DD started secondary school !!).

[CeliaFate]

How many would be left out? I'd be tempted to invite all girls, limit it to a 2 hour slot in the day and serve sandwiches and cake. Put some music on, perhaps have a table where they can paint nails and do make up?
Not everyone will be able to come probably, and you won't offend anyone.

[seedlessgrape]

Pebble, I was just about to start a thread on more or less the same lines - I'm glad I read yours first!

My DD is 12 and an only child and I'm concerned that she doesn't have many friends - her father and I are no longer together which may or may not contribute to this.

She's not a horrible girl by any stretch of the imagination - in fact she's kind and loving and extremely caring, as well as being witty and generous around her peers. The problem is that she doesn't get invited to days out, parties, sleepovers, etc, and she seems very lonely at times, so much so that she was in tears yesterday because a whole group of girls had gone shopping on Saturday and not invited her. And of course they were all chatting about it on Facebook and naming all those that went and saying what a fab time they had, etc, - girls are so spiteful sometimes!

I try to tell her that she will find a new group of friends (she started secondary school this year) but that it will take time. I'm encouraging her to go to after school clubs and to take up new interests but sometimes I think I'm pushing her too much and making an issue out of it.

It seems that the only way she gets to see people is if she instigates trips out or arranges for people to come over to ours. I feel so sorry for her and yet I also feel helpless.

[Pebbleonabeach1]

Thank you for feedback

Celia - it is a girls school so there are over 30 girls in her class and we only have a small house so I could not fit them all in. There are a few girls she has never spoken to so I would hope they should be upset if they are not invited but I think I will probably end up inviting the rest and hoping a lot cannot come.

Seedless - I never realised how difficult this aspect of parenting would be but of all the stages so far this is the hardest. I think just keep on arranging things and inviting people over and hopefully after a while she will be automatically included in return invites. At least that is what I am hoping.
I think you have to take the lead from your DD - for mine I can see she really wants to socialise with these girls and I have asked her if I am pressuring her and she says no she really wants to do this, but I have read other threads where mums have said they have backed off and their DD has been much happier. Good luck .