please help, I don't know what to do.

[CoffeeIsMyFriend]

Little bit of background, DS (11) is a lovely boy, quite quiet, not particularly sporty but he is usually quite happy - bit geeky I suppose, he likes his x box, electronic things and gadgets.

Anyway, today we were out school shoe shopping, DD (8) noticed DS had scratches on his arm, I didnt see as he had a long sleeve Tshirt on. Came home, I asked him if he was ok, he was really quiet, has been nasty to his sister over the past few days and is generally in his shell. After a while I got some information out of him. (cutting and that he felt depressed)

Turns out he feels depressed, has self harmed his arm - not deep, but lots of scratches with a knife up to elbow level. I am struggling here, dont know how to help him, what to do, should I call his Doctor? Contact CAHMS.

My stomach is in knots. Apologies as I am sure this will be disjointed, I know it is, my head is racing at a million miles an hour.

We had a long chat in his room, he is nervous about starting secondary school, has fallen out with the only boy he knows starting there next week - nothing major, just a silly thing while talking on xbox live. DS has had a good cry, has said he feels worried about everything, I have spoken to him calmly, tried to find out what he was upset/worried about and run him a big bubble bath.

Fuck, I just dont know what to do, how to handle this. Inside I am screaming, depression runs in my family (usually females after giving birth) but he is only 11. I am sitting here in tears, trying to type and think of things to do. Dont want to blow anything out of proportion, but dont want to do nothing.

Please help me to get a plan in place.

Thanks tianc

Saw Dr, she was lovely. I cried when DS said he sometimes felt suicidal, but would never do it because he knows that his family would all be very upset. DSs friends Dad committed suicide 3 years ago, so we all felt the effect of that and he was a brilliant friend and support to his friend, so DS has some idea of 'consequences' of suicide.

Anyway Dr chatted to DS for a while and has referred him to CAHMS. DS says he feels a bit better having chatted to us and the Dr said she will speak to him anytime he wants to until CAHMS come onboard. She also said to speak to us about anything as we are a lovely family who will support him when he needs it.

So, I feel a bit better knowing that a referral has been made. Will email his school on Monday saying that he is very anxious and to keep an eye on him, but wont go into details. Dont want him labelled when he is just starting out.

Again, thank you ALL for your words of wisdom and support. Cant wait to get to bed tonight, I obviously didnt sleep very well last night.

Oh so glad it went well - as well as it can, in context. Poor little DS. But he's so lucky to have such supportive and switched-on parents.

Does sound jolly sensible to give the school a non-specific heads-up.

Well done coffee. You're doing everything right.

You dont have to sneak me a fag, I have a whole packet.

Just popping outside with my coffee, pretending we are still in Egypt and enjoying the sunny sun sun and a sneaky ciggie.

I have asked DS if he wants to come out with me and 1 of our dogs tomorrow to a charity fundraising event. He said he would see how he felt. I said OK, we will see in the morning.

Part of me felt like screaming at him (obviously I didnt) and the rest of me just felt so sad that he is feeling shit.

I think it's very natural to feel frustrated and sad for him, but you're taking the necessary steps and getting him some help.

Try and be kind to yourself as well - you're not to blame.

thanks Shirley I think I might read in the sun for a bit and try to have a little nap.

Tonights dinner is made and awaits the oven for reheating (shepherds pie, but homemade with lots of veggies in) bathrooms, floors, kitchen etc cleaned. Grass cut so I need to try and relax. Stress makes me do stuff, probably an avoidance technique!

have organised to take DS to Karate tomorrow, he used to do a martial art but gave it up about a year ago. A friend of ours does Karate and has offered to take DS along.

I just hope when School starts and other activities start things will settle down and he will be happier. Took him out today along with DD and he was ok, but not chatty or anything.

He still isnt eating much at all. Now I am worried that he goes down the 'anorexia' route!

DH wants DS to go back to Dr and get some bloods done - just to rule out anything physical.

How does DS feel about the karate? It's certainly a great idea for distraction.

But if you deal with stress by making yourself insanely busy, you need to watch you don't project that onto DS unless it also works for him. Which it might, but might not.

Depression can cause of loss of appetite all on its own, so I wouldn't fret about anorexia just yet.

You know best how DS will react to going to the doctor again - too much fuss, or nice to be taken seriously? It seems sensible to rule stuff out, but on the other hand the doctor didn't suggest bloods when you were there and this does seem to centre round low mood. Would it be better to wait until school has been going for a few weeks and see if things improve?

Oh you must be so frustrated and just want to pick him up and fix him.

DS suggested Karate - although he did say he would like 1-1 lessons, dont think that would help confidence or work because although lessons would be intense he wouldnt have a sparring partner or the team spirit needed to succeed at the sport. He used to do a martial art (did well at it) and then gave up. So he is going to watch tomorrow for an hour at a pre grading session (just a regular training session) and then he might go next week if he wants to try out.

I have settled down this evening, relaxed for the first time in days. I am of the opinion that we wait and see how things go when school is under way and go from there. Hopefully by the time CAHMS get involved he will be a bit more settled and have some positive things going on.

Spoke to DH about the eating thing and he thinks that it is something to keep an eye on, but he also thinks DS is getting a bit more image conscious. He is doing a bit of 'preening' - brushing/styling his hair, deciding to grow it a bit longer and I suppose he may want to look good for start of school.

Im probably over thinking things.

A reassuring story from the other end for you coffee. My son self harmed & was suicidal (verrry hard to hear him say that) and suffered with anxiety and depression. We have mental health issues in the extended family (linking those to my son by the psychiatrist was also difficult for me to hear). There was plenty of scope for me to blame myself (single parent at young age, many years later subsequent marriage & at the time new baby etc).

We went together to the GP who referred to CAMHS. The wait for an appointment was terrible as I had no idea if my son would in the meantime kill himself. He was referred by the assessing psychiatrist for cognitive behavioural therapy with a psychologist. This was not initially helpful and his mood dipped. After much heart ache we agreed to a course of antidepressants.

Immediate improvement and CBT suddenly successful. Was carefully taken off the pills (our local pharmacist was kind enough to privately let my son know the potential side-effects of the pills which could have been catastrophic for a teenager as they included not having full bowel control, he then organised my son's decreasing dose so we'd get it right). DS was signed off. Whole thing was 2.5 years from first admitting to self harm to being signed off. Brilliant A levels, a brave gap year and in 3 weeks he's off to a good uni (although this is causing secret weeping sessions almost daily in me!). He went through a long period of not wanting to try to "be anything" but now he has ambition.

When his mood dipped we returned to the GP who asked for a fast-track appointment at CAMHS (rather than ringing CAMHS and waiting weeks for an appointment with the psychiatrist).

Your lad will be fine, by what you've written it's clear that he trusts you and his father, he's forthcoming with information (crucially important) and you are thinking about him with more clarity than maybe you yourself are aware of.

A final thing- my son and I informed every relevant person- form tutor, personal tutor at 6th form, wrote it under 'disabilities' for uni application (despite being by then well, as he wants to know how to access support if he dips again). We had nothing but immense support and care from his teachers. Blimey sorry I've rambled on. I understand how distressing (not the right word) it is to hear and see your child's pain.

what an amazing post.

thank you your post has helped so much. I will keep in mind all the positives you have listed.

Good luck to your DS in his university adventure. He sounds like a lovely lad and you a fab Mum. Our Dr said about 2 wks for CAHMS to contact and get an appointment. By that time school will have started and hopefully DS will feel a bit better.

Coffee - you sound like a fantastic, caring mum and I am so sorry your DS is having such a tough time. I just wanted to mention one thing that you said which was that you would mention to the school that he was anxious but not go into details. TBH (I am a teacher) I think you need to give them more info than that, practically every child who enters secondary is nervous (totally understandably!) but this is more serious. In Yoey's excellent post she mentions keeping everyone informed and I do think this is important. Teachers can be your eyes and ears in what can be a very separate part of your ds's life. Just a thought.

I would definitely tell teachers/head of year in detail so they can put measures in place to help him. You don't want your son to get worse, only for the teachers to say, "Oh we didn't know". Forewarned is forearmed. He will get better, you're doing all the right things.

I'm so sorry for you and your son, Coffee. You have done absolutely the right thing in going to your GP and getting a referral to CAMHS. If the appointment doesn't come through quickly enough, you can ask your GP (who sounds great, btw) to refer your son as an emergency appointment. We had this done for my son and were seen the same week.

My son's story is not the same as your son's, but it is all about anxiety. I actually had to take him out of school in February because he was so anxious and depressed. We spent many months at home, where I home educated him, and I think this was good for him. However, the thing that really helped was seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with OCD and prescribed Prozac. This has transformed him. He still feels apprehensive about things, but not the appalling, crippling levels of anxiety he felt before. We have also just received an appointment for him to start a course of CBT therapy.

I agree with previous posters who advise you to tell the school what is going on. It won't help your son if the school don't understand what he is going through. I have been very open with my son's new school and they have been incredibly helpful, even allowing him to have several extra visits to the school last term. It also helps me to know that my son's tutor and other staff are aware of his issues. My son has already been introduced to a particular member of staff who is to be his first port of call if he feels that he can't cope.

Another mum told me recently that her daughter self-harmed when she was 13. She was referred to CAMHS, put on Prozac (I'm not saying this is necessarily what your son needs) and given a course of CBT. She has gone from strength to strength and is just graduating from an excellent university. Her depression and anxiety never returned.

The best thing for your son is that you and your husband sound so supportive. I'm sure your sympathy and swift action in taking him to the GP speaks volumes to him and will reassure him that everything will be all right because you are on his side.

Good luck.

PS - I notice your son has an issue with eating and drinking too, which my son also has. He will refuse to eat or drink all day if he is particularly anxious about something or if we are out somewhere. However, the psychiatrist questioned him about this and he told her that he would eat bread. Might it be worth asking your son if there is any food that he will eat even when he is nervous? My son will be having a lot of bread in his lunchbox on his first day!

thanks, I will prepare an email to be sent to Head of year and see what happens.

I second speaking to the head of year at school. DD has had fantastic support from school over some issues she has. The school have provided counselling, at school, and they also have a school nurse that she can talk to. Pastoral care is fantastic at the school, they have pastoral heads of year as well as teachers that she can go to. They have all been very supportive, and very discrete too.

As someone who started self-harming while still in primary school, I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely supportive mum/ family, which is something I didn't feel I had. I hope things go well for your DS when school starts and that he feels happier soon.

CAHMS called today and suggested a few things to do. To contact HOY was one of them.

DS asked if he could go for a walk today. I said yes of course, asked him to take his phone with him, which he did. He went over the the footie field next to the woods, had a walk, sat on a bench and came home. He was out for about 25 minutes and came back quite happy. Not sure what that was all about but I certainly wont stop him going out and about for a walk in fresh air!

Off to email Head of Year now.

that all sounds really positive

have emailed the only contact I have at school and asked for this to be dealt with as a matter of urgency before school starts Weds.

I will walk round with him (if he wants me to) on Weds morning, but I also have to get DD to school. Those are the days I need 2 of me!

Don't worry about DD - she can be late - I'm sure her school will understand your priority is with DS on his first day. Or can a neighbour drop DD off?

Best of luck for tomorrow; hope it goes well and DS is soon settled and happy.

The ironic thing is cointreau BOTH of the children are starting at new schools on Wednesday! I will drive DS round, drop him off and then scoot down the hill to DD new school and take her into school.

Was chatting with my neighbour and her 2 boys go there, she said DS can knock for them if he wants to walk round the corner with them, but first day the yr 7s all go in the main gate.

On the plus side, DS and his friend have made up - his mum has got my phone number and I have hers, so hopefully the boys will become good friends and that will help with DS.

Oh and CAHMS said DS case is 'relatively urgent' but not priority level.