Feeling pressured into sending DS to playgroup

[KittyTN]

DS1 will be 2y9m in Sept. He has been offered 2x 3hr afternoons per week. The playgroup has a great outdoor play area, a bit dingy on the inside (in the basement of a private nursery, Victorian conversion). Approx 22 2.5-rising 5 yr olds.

I am a SAHM for now with a 4 month old DS2. DS1 is quite challenging - only just starting to speak, fights everything - getting in/out of bath, nappy changes, getting in/out of car/buggy etc. Generally unbidable. I think a lovely boy but a bit of a tyrant at home.

I tried sending him to a local Montesorri preschool when he was 2y2m - first session I returned after 1.5hrs to find him lying down but with eyes open - seemed sort of shut down. Staff said he was just tired. Second time he was crying when I came to get him. Staff said it was because another child had been picked up early. I felt it was just too early for him.

I still dont like the idea of leaving him with strangers, however kind. I dont want him to feel abandonned or frightened that I'm not there or not coming back. Everyone says they only cry for a bit but what is so great about upsetting them needlessly anyway? Some of my friends seem to feel that DS1 isnt at playgroup because I have seperation anxiety. Possibly, but I'm also not convinced about the benefits of him going to playgroup. DS1 wont sit down for story time and still mostly parallel-plays. He liked the slide and trains but we have those at home. We dont have a sand pit and he loved that, we also dont have 22 other pre-schoolers!

What do others think? Is it best to wait until over 3? I dont want to hold him back from a positive experience but I just feel uneasy.

That's fair enough Padme- every child is different after all!

I speak from the viewpoint of a woman who played with other children once a week until I was 5, and then it was in a 'home' environment.

My mother wouldn't take me to playgroup, she thought children didn't need to be taken to 'those horrible places'.

I started school at five years old with not the vaguest idea of how to make a friend without my mother there prompting me. I could read out passages from the newspaper, she educated me excellently - but I needed socialisation that did not involve her

I spent the first year at school either sitting on the TA's knee, or talking to myself over a book.

I have always believed that much of this could have been avoided with playgroup from 2.5.

My boys started going at 2.5. Ds1 didn't need or even want me there, he used to just shoot off. Ds2 - he was absolutely fine at nursery until he was moved into an over crowded preschool room at 3.3, and he started hating it. So I pulled him out for a couple of months, and started him at a much smaller nursery at 3.8, which he adores.

You can stay switched on as a parent AND send your child to playgroups. It's not an either/or situation. You can also send them for a couple of hours a week - mine only had 2 two hour sessions a week until they got their free hours because it was all I could afford and I thought more would be too much for little children anyway. you don't have to slam dunk them in 8 till 6.

Just because a child doesn't go to a formal childcare/education setting does NOT mean they are isolated though- DD1 plays with other children many times each week, with and without me. She also talks to other adults several times every day, in different situations, and has excellent language and social skills. She went to nursery so I could study when she was a baby and was bombarded with TV, loud music cds, electronic toys and so on. The nursery workers were lovely, but the same two adults and however many kids for 5 afternoons can't be better than the neighbours, relatives, other children of different ages and so on that a child can meet in the real world.

Obviously you do what is best for your child, but I have no doubt that DD1 is thriving being out in the real world instead of in a classroom. If she had to go to nursery then I'm sure she would be fine, but I don't see the need to send her for the sake of it, just because everyone seems to think it compulsary.

Padmehum it's really good that you have had such a positive experience. Many people must have had similar outcomes because so many people use play groups and child care early.

However, my DS1 doesnt have a problem with strangers or strange places. He will sleep normally in hotel rooms and at friends etc. I dont think he is inappropriately clingy. In fact, before DS2 I used to think he wasnt clingy enough! He is friendly and kind to other children, on the whole.

One persons independent toddler is anothers child who has had to learn to cope if sent too early.

DS1 is still over 2 years away from reception class.

Oh no, it's not compulsory, and it shouldn't BE compulsory. But you'd be surprised how much children love it sometimes.

I angsted about sending Ds1.

for his 1 hour taster session, I took myself to a cafe 50 yard away, leaving strict PFB instructions to ring me if he even looked like he might be starting to think about being upset. I may have wept a little .

I turned up an hour later, to find a 2.5 year old boy who did not wish to leave the sandpit, the hole punching area, all the other children, the slide, the tricycles etc....

And 'nursery' is not synonymous with 'two bewildered 17 year old girls who would rather be discussing what to wear' - Ds1's key worker was a mother of three school aged children. Ds2's key worker has two teenaged sons.

If children have merely learned to 'cope' - why do they sometimes not wish to leave at home time? They can't all have appalling home lives to which nursery is preferable. Some children see it as a room full of awesome toys and new things and people, to be enjoyed, not coped with.

And note I have said some not all.

To play devil's advocate, I don't think my brother would have coped at all with playgroup.

Social Services have written a report where they 'strongly recommend' that I put ds into preschool in order to meet his 5 outcomes.

How very DARE they?

However, I live in a very odd part of the country that are a law unto themselves and SS are often (I'm told) brought in to bully parents into submission.

I hope most children do enjoy being left at playgroup. I suspect they are more likely to enjoy it the older they are - obviously this will vary between children.

Also I can imagine a scenario where a child could not be enjoying play group but appear so when a parent arrives to collect. Having the parent arrive might provide the security to go off and enjoy the toys etc. Or they may have spent the majority of the session getting used to being there and only be ready to play towards the end.

StarOV that sounds unpleasant.

DS2 has woken up so must go for a bit.

Loopymumsy thank you. That was a really balanced and helpful post.