Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

Flip

Original poster

friend's DS scared to go into nursery building

18 replies

lovechoc · 14/06/2010 20:56

He had a bad experience at another nursery last year and has only just started at new one this year but so far his parents can only get him to play in the playground outside - he gets very upset if they suggest going into the building for the whole session.

Has anyone got any suggestions/opinions? Has this happened to you or anyone else you know? I have never heard of this before, most DC just go in or the parents stay for a 'settling in' period actually inside the building.

TIA

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

wb · 15/06/2010 20:00

I haven't personally come across this but, depending on the 'badness' of the previous experience and the age of the child, could they wait 3-6 months and then try again? Sometimes an increase in maturity can make a big difference.

wb · 15/06/2010 20:00

Al1son · 16/06/2010 09:57

My DD has done this about school.

I'd suggest getting him relaxed playing outside, then getting a member of staff to come and join in. Perhaps get another child to join in if the environment is safe enough. Then move gradually to walking in through the door and straight out again with the staff member and parent. Gradually make times longer and move further into the setting but all the time allow him to be in control. That way he feels that the process is safe.

If he takes backwards steps let him and the move gradually forwards again. Lots of reassurance, no telling off. He must feel safe at all times.

An ed psych did this for my daughter. She didn't put pressure on - just gentle calm persuasion to take baby steps forward.

Poor little boy. I dread to think what his previous setting did to him. My DD's fears were caused by Asperger's syndrome so at least nobody is at fault. I would be very angry to see my child feeling like this because of something which happened in an early years setting.

The nursery need to help with this. His parents can't do it alone. The nursery can also apply for inclusion funding to pay for an extra member of staff and invite an ed psych in if necessary.

Original poster

lovechoc · 16/06/2010 19:13

thanks Al1son. basically the last nursery made a fuss of him being in pull-up pants and not yet being toilet-trained (he was just 3yo at this point!) and then he was quite shy and not joining in so a member of staff shouted something like 'stop being such a wimp'. he had only been at the nursery less than one month when this all happened.

he is at a different nursery now (state run aswell) and the staff are very understanding but he still doesn't want to go into this different building. yes, we still don't know exactly what has happened as to why he's so frightened to go in even to a new building. staff at this new one seem to have a better approach but he still won't enter the building to take part in the full session - he only plays outdoors. I feel sorry for my friend tbh, it's very stressful to feel that they aren't fitting in. He is 4.6yo now and missed out on so much.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 16/06/2010 19:22

i wouldn't bother tbh if he is 4.6

why stress out trying to make him do it?
he;ll be going to school in a few months anyway

Original poster

lovechoc · 16/06/2010 19:28

but that's the whole point thisisyesterday what hope have they got of getting him into the primary school part of the building when he can't even go into the nursery building?? they are trying to work on this because they know that very soon (at 5.6yo) he'll start school (next August I think).

OP posts:

Original poster

lovechoc · 16/06/2010 19:29

AFAIK primary ed is compulsory so he really will have to attend whether he likes it or not.they don't intend on Home schooling.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 16/06/2010 19:31

he'll start in september this year if he is 4.6 now won't he?

will he not even go in with his parents? is he friends with any of the other children>

Original poster

lovechoc · 16/06/2010 19:36

he's not friends with any of the children, no. his parents are with him and he still won't go into the building, nursery staff also trying with him to encourage him.

no, he can either start this year or next year. they want him to start P1 next year though.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 16/06/2010 19:50

i thought by law they had to start the term ater their 5th birthday?

thisisyesterday · 16/06/2010 19:53

anyway, that aside, i can understand that he has had a bad experience.
BUT, I also think that at 4 and a half he is old enough to understand that this is a different place, a new set of people (who he must like as he plays outside there) and that if his parents are with him he'll be ok

it might help if they can perhaps get one or 2 of the other children to be his "helper friends" and encourage some friendships and then get THEM to show him indoors. peer pressure can work wonders!

do they leave him there or do they always stay with him/.

activate · 16/06/2010 19:57

bribe him with chocolate and a trip to Toys R Us

Original poster

lovechoc · 16/06/2010 19:59

they always stay with him - which I think may be hindering the process a bit, but it's hard to tell because I'm not physically there. I only hear from my friend about how it's going.

yes, you're right, probably if he could make a few friends from the class and they could show him it's not so bad inside. Don't know how long that will take - think he only goes one day a week just now to begin with.

ta for your suggestions

OP posts:

Original poster

lovechoc · 16/06/2010 20:01

and yes I definately agree, at the age of 4 he should really know that it is not the same place as before - it's a new nursery and the staff have been v kind to him this time. He's very timid in nature which makes it even more difficult to help in this situation.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 16/06/2010 20:03

yeah, i wonder if they weren't there whether he would just get on with it iyswim?

i'm not saying this is a total attention-seeking thing- it clearly has a background and he has reason to be worried, but children do learn behaviours... and if this is what he has learned to do when he goes there, and if he then also gets lots of attention for it then maybe that's why it is continuing?

one day a week isn't often enough either. it doesn't allow him sufficient time to get to knoe the staff or the other children.
so maybe they would be better off doing some shorter sessions over more days and then maybe working on leaving him there?

Al1son · 16/06/2010 21:45

If this is true anxiety his reactions won't be logical and sensible. He'll be experiencing rushes of adrenalin, pounding heart, tight chest, etc when he thinks about going inside.

Obviously I can't be sure that's happening but I've seen this first hand in my 12 year old and had it explained by professionals who've observed her.

If this little boy is truly scared they really do need to take tiny steps and it could take until September to sort it out.

I would seriously be asking for a planned approach with the nursery staff and even with advice from an educational psychologist. If they request that they may not get it til Sept anyway, in which case it will be just in time.

I agree about taking him more often for shorter times.

Original poster

lovechoc · 17/06/2010 12:51

I found it a bit odd that he's only in once a week but thought perhaps that's been discussed between my friend and the nursery staff where they've agreed that's the best place to start. I will speak to her and find out if he's getting to go more frequently now. What a nightmare though, poor little boy

OP posts:

Flip