Disastrous first session at nursery - help!!

[ElusiveMoose]

DS (2.9) had his first 'settling in' session at nursery today, and it was a total disaster. I thought we'd prepared him really well - he seemed to understand that we weren't going to be staying with him, and the kind of things he would be doing. In the event, he screamed hysterically within 2 minutes of us leaving the room. We left him for a few minutes but he just got worse and worse, and would very soon have thrown up if we hadn't gone back in (he's sick very easily).

In the end, one of us ended up staying with him the whole way through the 1.5 hours, but even then he was extremely unsettled and tearful. I was very glad DH was there as well, as I just couldn't stop crying myself (in my defence, I'm 7 months pregnant and quite hormonal at the moment!).

I really thought he would find it easier than this. He's always been quite a highly strung child, and had appalling separation anxiety when he was younger, but recently he's been miles better, at least with kids/adults that he knows.

I just don't know what to do. I'm dreading taking him back again tomorrow. The nursery are being very nice and saying that we can settle him in as gently as we like, but at the moment I just can't imagine the time when he'll be happy to be left.

Feeling very upset and unsure what to do. Has anyone else been through this - and how did you overcome it?

My DS started nursery at about the same age, and was of similar temperament to yours, so I can understand how you feel.

Since I expected DS would find the transition difficult, I agreed with nursery I would stay with DS for the first few sessions. I tried to blend into the background to encourage DS to get used to other carers.

Then I started leaving him for short periods. If he was too upset I went back for him, but gradually I knew that even if he cried when I left, the staff would be able to comfort him.

It was a tough few weeks, but worth it in the end. He loves the place now.

So if I were you I'd start again and take it very slowly, until you and DS are sure that it's a place he can be happy in. Let him develop relationships with the staff, then start leaving him on his own.

Good luck!

Thank you so much, Elsiebear. That sounds like extremely sound advice. I feel so guilty that I put him through trauma today, but I think you're right - I just need to put it behind me and start again. It's funny - usually I'm pretty good at applying a 'normal rules don't apply' mantra with DS, and ignoring other people's advice about how to handle him (leave him to cry, toughen him up, he'll be ok after a few minutes etc) - but today for some reason I just somehow decided that he'd be ok and dropped him in at the deep end. Hopefully one session won't have traumatised him too deeply (though he's been noticeably more 'mummyish' today than he's been for months ), and we can start again tomorrow. I'll talk to the staff and see how they feel about me staying for a few sessions and then withdrawing gradually.

i don't think it's about 'toughening him up'... it's just that it may well lengthen the amount of time it's going to take for him to settle in if you hang around each session.

does he get looked after by other people regularly outside nursery? if not it's a good idea to start getting friends to take him for 30mins here and there to get him used to you coming and going. eventually he'll get more used to the concept but he will cry and you have to accept that. the more casual you are about it the more relaxed he'll (eventually) be.

you have my sympathies though- it's hard! try to keep a smiley face on even if it means hysterical outpourings in the car/street afterwards.

I am worried about this too as I have enrolled LO (he is just 2 at the mo) to start nursery a few days a week after the summer hols. Since I am the only SAHM I know in RL, the girls I know couldn't really advise since their LO's have been in nursery since they were months old so they didn't have this transition period to deal with. I am feeling really alone with it just now and since I am SAHM DH leaves all this stuff to me so it is great to hear advice on MN.

Thanks for posting your experiences here - it is really what I have been thinking about recently since the ballots for our local nursery places will take place soon... Yikes

Well, the good news is that our session this morning went really well. I stayed with DS the whole time, but I tried to ignore him as much as possible so he would go off and explore/play on his own and with the other kids - which he did, to some extent. And he had a whale of a time playing with all the toys - no tears or fuss at all . Feeling much more positive today that if I perservere with this approach for another couple of sessions and then start leaving him for increasingly long periods, he'll eventually settle ok.

Ask the staff to take him away from you even if it is just to the other side of the room. Get him used to walking away from you with them to do nice things. This will help when you are leaving him there because hopefully they will be able to lead him off to do things rather than him standing or being held crying watching you leave.

Just to be clear I'm not saying sneak off without saying goodbye. Just you take him into the room and they lead him away from you waving goodbye.

You will get there eventually - I had the same problem with my dd2. She started pre-school when she had just turned 2 and I stayed with her for most of the first term - leaving for short spaces of time just to go to the staff room and get a coffee and gradually upping the time out of the room. She got upset each time but it became less extreme once she learned that I came back when I said I was going to.

She's now 2.9 and trots in happily on her own waving bye. If someone had told me she'd be doing that when she started I would never have believed them. I had plenty of "advice" saying I was pandering to her and that she needed to just be left - but I knew that that wasn't right for my child. You know your own child best and need to go at his pace.

You hit the nail on the head when you said he was happy now with people he knows. He needs to have time to get to know these new people, and new building before he feels comfortable without you. Good luck!