DS unhappy at pre-school

[llareggub]

Gah. I drafted a very long post and it disappeared into a blackhole. ANyway, I'll try and be brief.

DS is 3 and has attended a small, village pre-school for nearly a year. We don't live in the village and travel in. He absolutely love it at first; barely looked back from the first day and chatted happily about his time there. His little brother was born in April and we were prepared for a backlash but none came.

However, when September came he became tearful and clingy at drop-off. School initially blamed the new baby and the summer term. This went on until half-term, when miraculously drop-off was fine again.

He then started telling me that he hated school. I noticed that he does seem pretty bewildered/lost at school, like he isn't really there. His favourite keyworker left, and things went downhill. He started telling me that he was crying at school (school said not) and he then told me that one of the other boys had hit him.

I rang the school to tell them what he had said. I wasn't convinced that someone had hit him, but thought that it might be a further indication that something was wrong. Despite raising it a few more times, I've never had any formal feedback or suggestions about what might be at the bottom of this.

At the end of last term one of his keyworkers made a point of telling me that he knew of all his colours. Bearing in mind that he had already turned 3, and had known his colours for a very long time, I was slightly perplexed about what this meant. I am starting to wonder that my normally bouncy, loud, chatty boy is actually withdrawn and quiet at school, a further indication that things just aren't right.

He missed quite a bit of school towards the end of the christmas term due to illness which hasn't helped. Now that he is back I've heard that there is a party to which he hasn't been invited. All of the other children appear to have been invited. Obviously I don't know for definite but the other mothers were talking quite openly about it. I feel quite sad that my lovely little chap seems unhappy and excluded. He never talks about friends there at all.

My inclination is to move him to another setting. I don't have any concerns about his ability to make friends; I've observed him with other children in other places and he is happy, confident and chatty. Just not at school.

Any thoughts? Any tips? This nursery is rated as excellent, I just feel like they haven't really done anything to address the problems I've raised.

Oh, poor you and your little boy. I'm not sure I have any advice really but your post really strikes a chord with me as I have a DS of the same age.

FWIW, I'm not sure at that age that him not being invited to a party would be anything other than an honest mistake (if indeed all the other kids have been invited). When I've tried grilling DS about his friends for the purposes of party invites and Christmas cards his responses have been hopelessly sporadic and inconsistent! I don't think 3 year olds have any definite idea of which children they are friends with other than on a day to day basis. I obviously hear the same names again and again, but new ones pop into the mix all the time and disappear just as quickly. They're ever so fickle!

I would perservere with the hitting thing. My DS said almost the exact same thing to me a few months, I made enquiries and it turned out that there is a problem child there. I was pleased that it is not only DS on the receiving end, and similarly I wouldn't have thought that any such child at your DS's nursery would only be picking on him.

We all know that young children go through phases of being very clingy and then snap out of it again. DS went through a similar phase and, interestingly enough, that was also after a favourite nursery worker left.

So basically, I suppose I'm saying not to be unduly worried. Have you ever tried popping in early and just observing him for a while. Would they let you do that? (Although better to go unannounced I would have thought).

I think the colours thing might be an EYFS thingy 'target' we have a colour of the week each week at preschool, and they 'tested' dd when she started and wrote how great it was that she knew all her colours when she first started, i admit to being a bit as she was nearly 3 and had known them about a year by then, but i think they have to record it as a milestone.

I would just move him if you can, it might not be a bad setting but he may just have got all he can from already and need anew start.

And with any childcare ever, i always recommend picking up early/dropping in unexpectedly. Can be very revealing. A good setting wont ever mind, and if you are comfortable doing it think up an excuse you needed to be at XXX in advance.

Trust your instincts.

If you feel something is amiss, then look at other settings.
It sounds like the staff at the current pre-school haven't been particularly helpful in reassuring your worries.
I would be expecting the staff to appreciate the changes your DS has experienced eg: key worker leaving, and help him to resettle.

I wouldn't worry too much about your DS not mentioning particular friends - he's very little still.
The party is bound to be an oversight.

Thanks for your responses, they are helpful.

The party thing doesn't really bother me. We had our own party and didn't invite any of the nursery children. I just added it because it seemed to be another factor to add to the general "not fitting in."

I could pop in early tomorrow and might just do that. At the end of last term and keyworker told me she'd checked his trousers and that he'd had a poo in his pants. There was a very distinct smell so I took him to the loo, explaining to him what I was doing. He kept telling me that he hadn't, and when I checked, he hadn't. I couldn't quite understand why they didn't take his word for it, and had checked but not noticed the lack of poo. It probably seems like nothing (and reading it back it seems petty) but yes, I guess I am feeling uncomfortable with the place now.

I am probably rambling now but it has helped to write this down. DH is usually not particularly perceptive on these things and he agrees that DS doesn't seem happy. And since it has been since September, I'm inclined to believe it isn't just a phase.

If that's your gut instinct, then move him. We have moved DS from a nursery before because he just didn't settle. The staff are absolutely the key to a nursery working for a child or not, and if your DS's favourite worker has gone maybe he won't every re-settle. And you are right that they don't seem that attentive.

Thanks for your help, everyone. Gaelicsheep, I'm sorry your little boy was unhappy too.

Yes. I was about to say: Go with your instincts.
best

i could have w2ritten your post myself. i will be back to read it properly.