Advice please DS doesn't like a boy in his class...

[MumNWLondon]

DS is 3.5 and in the nursery class of the primary school he will go to. There are 26 in the class.

At the start of term he had some behaviour issues - basically not sitting still at circle time, wanting his own way, not sharing and hitting other children (normal 3.5 yo behaviour!) Luckily the situation has totally resolved itself and the teachers are very impressed by the turn around.

Now, he comes home each day and says I don't like child A, he hits, he's naughty, he don't listen to the teacher - I guess all the things that he was being told off for - he even said child A had hit him so I told him to stay away.

I had to go into the nursery last week and it became apparent that child A has special needs of some sort - he has his own helper/teacher and I was there for circle time he was wandering round the classroom, doing his own thing while the other 25 kids were having circle time and when he approached the circle tried to sit in the middle and wouldn't move to sit near the others, and made a grab at the bebot the teacher was demonstrating, wouldn't wait for a turn.

I know the mum quite well (I used to work with her) and we arranged that as they are the only 2 with May birthdays (and no April ones) we could do a joint party (have to invite all the kids, everyone does joint parties - she has described him as "free spirited" but never indicated that there is an issue with him. My DD is very friendly with the older sister.

Anyway, the mum keeps asking for a playdate and also now that I have established that child A is not a "naughty" boy I'd like to encourage my DS to play with him, or at least stop going on about how much he hates him - esp if we are doing this joint party.

Any ideas?

I think the odd playdate could be a good idea as it's a mum you mix with anyways.
But a joint birthday party might be a bit much for your DS.

What a lovely idea!
The playdates sounds like a good plan.
But, ime, children of 3 are not capable of hate.

i would say arrange some play dates i found with my ds sn one to one he was fine with another child and built up many friendships but large crowds lots of noise and children turned him into a different little boy

you have to imagine lots of voices and noises and running a round not knowing what's happening next must be so scary its not intentional hitting its the need for space and safety away from others

but 1-1 my ds was the sweetest most friendliest little boy and loved his play dates

again children dont hate other children they dislike the hitting but will play with whoever so play dates could be really good idea i also when my ds was dx didnt tell anyone as didnt want my ds judged for anything other than who he is first then i would explain his difficulties to people who were non judgemental unfortunately some people do stop talking to you when you tell them your child has sn so this would be nice for her, him and your ds

Of course DS doesn't hate this child that was bad wording on my behalf, he just says he doesn't like him, and he thinks he is a naughty boy.

Am going to do playdate, but was looking for ideas on how to communicate to DS that child A wasn't actually being naughty, esp when still actively encouraging my DS to "keep his hands to himself" (ie not to hit) and to listen to the teacher every day.

I am not worried too much by the joint party - I know the other mum and we have to invite the entire class (school policy ) so all DS's friends will be there, plus DS's baby sibling due 2 weeks before his birthday so have no intention of doing party on my own.

I used to try to explain to my children that child X finds certain things more difficult than they did and the nicest thing to do is to try and help (whilst aviding being hit). Emphasise that your ds has managed to learn the skills which A needs to learn and he might be able to help A. Focus his dislike on the behaviour not the child.

You could tell your DS that child A needs his 'help' if you like.

Perhaps child A needs someone to show him how to be kind, and DS fits the bill as he is so good and helpful and clever at these things?

You could remind DS of the time when he had difficulty at school, ask him what helped him to listen to the teacher etc, and see if he can come up with any ideas for how to help child A...

It might be worth having a talk about how DS feels when child A is around, and how he thinks child A might be feeling- drawing pictures (using speech/thought bubbles) of the situations you describe could be a good way to do this.

It is important to remember though, that once he has all the facts, your DS is allowed to 'hate' child A- it's how he behaves towards him that matters, ie not showing it because it may hurt his feelings etc...

Good luck

x-post gooseyloosey

Have tried talking to DS but he just says that child A just want wants to be naughty and doesn't want to be good so he doesn't want to help or play with him.

DS also claims that none of the other children want to play with child A. DS seems happy to play with all the other children in the class though.

Will arrange playdate.