DS apparently OK at preschool but wants us to stay - how to handle?

[normanthehairdresser]

DS is 3 this week and we've recently started him at a local playgroup one morning per week, with view to nursery class 2/3 mornings from Sept. Historically when things are stressful he becomes very withdrawn, quiet and compliant - once relaxed he transforms into a happy, lively, appropriately cheeky and occasionally NON-compliant 3 year old.

Anyway, we stayed in for first couple of times at playgroup, then left for next 2/3 sessions. To our eyes he came out looking rather shell-shocked but we were assured he'd done really well. The last two weeks he has absolutely demanded we stay with him, and we've done so - when we have he's settled and played independently (us blending nicely into the woodwork) but has been adamant that we shouldn't leave.

How would you handle this one? Should I follow my instincts and stay until he looks happy (as opposed to compliant), even if the staff think I'm mad?

And should the same apply to nursery class in September?

He doesn't have general separation anxiety - when being looked after by grandparents on Wed I didn't even get a 'goodbye' as he jumped in grandad's car!

I would suggest telling him that from now on you will be just dropping him off and leaving him tbh. It sounds from what you say that he is playing fine with you blending in so does he actually need you there for support. it is more that he just want you there (which is typical 3 yo wanting to be in control of everyone!)Is is REALLy benefiting him, you being there? Also this is an issue that will, if not dealt with soon(ish) follow into school as well. This is an ideal time for him to practice being on his own with other children and not having you around (this is probably why he is fine with gparents). He is more likely to socialise with his peers if you are not there iyswim.

I know I sound really harsh but a few tears now will save a lot of much harder stress later on. My ds1 (3.5) wanted me to stay at his new nursery. i did for a bit but i felt i was interfering with his playing with other children so i toughed it out for a few sessions and left him. He is now happy to go off and play when he gets there and seems more intergrated with the other children as well as i am not hanginng around so much iyswim

Do you have other worries about the nursery at all that might make you want to stay to keep an eye on him?

good luck

Also, one morning a week does not give him a lot of opportunitites to practice this and the other children will know each other far better if they are there 5 mornings a week.

I agree and not with LouLou.

One morning a week when you're 3 is difficult to get used to, it will seem like a long time for him between each session at playgroup and may be like having to get used to it all over again each time he goes.

Better to start him with 3 mornings pref on consecutive days so that each Monday for example, he will get used to the idea that its playgroup today, tomorrow and the next day and he gets into a routine and knows what to expect each time Monday comes around. Just going once a week might seem quite random to him when it comes around iyswim, and this might be a bit scary; dcs this age thrive on routine and things being predictable ime.

So once he starts 3 mornings a week I would then go with what LouLou says.

no, we do agree eskimum. i wasn't suggesting he go 5 mornings at all either, its just my poor grammer. I was suggesting that he won't know the other children as well as they know each other as they are probably together 5 mornings a week. I wouldn't suggesst 5 mornings either at this stage but think 3 consecutive ones is a good idea

yes, I would follow your instincts and stay as long as you need to.
my 3 yr old wasn't ready for nursery either. he was "ok" there, but he wasn't that happy and we eventually took him out.

I'm interested loulou on how you decide what is a "need" and what is a "want".
maybe he does want to be in control, maybe he needs to be in control of this situation?
maybe he doesn't like being left by himself?

just because your child goes off and plays now doesn't mean that he is happy to do so, or that it was the right course of action.
it simply means you've taught him that there is no use making a fuss because you won't go and comfort him anyway.

All 3 year olds want to be in control - this is a normal developmental stage. However, wanting to be in control is not necessarily in your child's best interests. For example, my son would like to sit in the front passenger seat when i drive him to nursery or better still, he would like to drive instead of me. he loves playing at being mummy and gets very bossy and contolling of his brother - this is normal. However, i would never let him be in charge as its obviously not appropriate - he still wants it though...

Often children try to take control but really what they want is for their parent to be in control and tell them what ot do. IMO children are far more anxous and frightened when given too much or inappropriate choice and control.

He is hardly being left by himself, if there are concerns about the playgroup not being able to give him comfort, distraction, support so that he does feel on his own, he shouldn't be going there at all

i would also hope that i have a good enough relationship with my sons that they know that they will get comfort when they need it. I am not suggesting abandonment but clear boudaries - this can be done with comfort you know

I thought this thread had sunk without trace just found it.

Thank you everyone for your comments - really helpful.

Re more sessions,eskimum and loulou, my rationale was - I don't need him to go for childcare reasons - if he likes it he can do more - increasing the amount of time he spends doing something I am not sure he enjoys, just so he gets used to it, feels counterintuitive. I take the routine point but he does other activities once a week and copes?

The discussion about control is interesting.DS certainly tries to be in control of the universe, however I would say that the more he's doing it the more likely there is to be an underlying anxiety or fear. Doesn't mean I will give him exactly what he is demanding at that moment, but does mean that I should be listening to the subtext. If that makes sense?

Does it make any difference if I say that DS is adopted - so despite his amazingly resilient personality I have no idea how he interprets us leaving.

I do think he needs the company of kids his own age - but I also feel he needs the security of knowing I'm around.

Anyway, time will tell ...

Thank you everyone!