Unacceptable behaviour from a fellow child

[NewTeacher]

My DD is at a MOntessori Nursery and loves it she is 3.5. There is a boy in her class who I think has behavioural issues as he is ALWAYS biting, kicking or punching other children he is about 3 or 4.

Last week he slapped and scratched my DD's face on 3 separate days. On the Friday he had done this to SIX other children too.

I am fed up as he has hit her before. I am so tempted to tell her to kick him should he scratch/bite her again and then tell the teacher!

I am looking to lodge a formal complaint and want to know how I should go about it.

When I signed the nursery's incident form I wrote that if it happened again in the near future I would like a meeting with the manage as well as the childs parents. The nursery do not tell you who the child is but my DD tells me.

Anyone advise?

NT - I don't think you are being reasonable to expect a meeting with the child's parents but you should definitely ask for a meeting with the manager. If the nursery know that this child acts out he should be having almost one to one care with someone shadowing him very closely so they can see when he is about to lash out and intervene.

I guess your montessori nursery is privt?

I meen in our class most of the boys hit and kick each other its just part of learning. I am affraid work 1-1 with a child who hits kicks ect and to all intese perpouses on a day to day there is not much I can do to stop him.

jeez
there's nothing like having a bit of empathy and compassion is there?
poor little boy is obviously in need of some help and you want a meeting with his parents?
what will that achieve?
are you, by chance, one of those awkward parents who think the world revolves around their offspring?
children hitting and hurting ech other happens every day in a group care situation

I think the problem here is the staff!.

Being an experienced NNEB myself,if you have a biter/fighter in your group- you have to keep that extra eye out to stop anything before it starts.

I would be very ashamed if any child in my care bit or slapped 6 times in a week.

You need to meet with the manager and explain your concerns regarding the care of all the children in the nursery.

loys of boys of this age kick and hit-its what they do. Your issue is with the nursery-not the boy's parents. The nursery should supervise more closely. I had a boy who liked to hit and kick at this age-he is now a gorgeous, kind and sensitive 7 year old.

PurePurple - I have compassion and empathy this has been going on for over a year now! The nursery have had meetings with the mother she denies there is a problem. They are not allowed to sort out one to one care without her approval and she is NOT giving it. Hence I want a meeting with the parent as well.

ChipKid - The nursery dont know what they can do with him as they do their best to keep an eye but he still manages to go off and hit/bite other kids.

I know children kick/bite etc and when it happens on the odd occassion its not a problem. Like I said this particular boy has been doing it for a long while and I am fed up.

OP has to tread carefully. It's not her place to get focus on someone else's child.

OP's concern should not be about the other child or relationships between the violent child and other children; your legitimate concern (and duty) is in Protecting your child. Keep that in mind, whatever you say. Ask the nursery what are they doing to protect your child in future; you don't need to be specific about from who, just that you don't like your child being regularly slapped and scratched/hit etc. If she's getting thumped this frequently, what are they going to do different in future to protect her? Ask for something in writing about it.

Aaack, get in last bit.

Keeping an eye from the other side of the room is not the same as closely shadowing him though. It doesn't need to be one to one care per se, just someone always only being a couple of feet away from him once he gets in close proximity of other children. I wouldn't have thought they'd need permission from the parents for that. It's how our nursery works anyway. One person each has a group of children and stays close by playing with them, meaning that they can stamp out any squabbles before they happen.

You should certainly have a chat with the nursery and see what strategies they have put in place to try to deal with this little boy's behvaiour. If this has been going on for over a year, they really should have some proper strategies in place by now, and it is reasonable to expect that they share them with other concerned parents.

Going in all guns blazing and talking about 'lodging a formal complaint' isn't a constructive way of dealing with this, though.

I sympathise with you. Nobody wants their child to be hurt or frightened. But you are talking about a very young child, and a spot of compassion wouldn't go a miss.

newteacher-I have experienced this from both sides-as I said Ds was a very physical toddler/pre-schooler, he needed close supervision in nursery as he tended to deal with any conflict in a physical way. DD is now a pre-schooler and there are physical boys in her group who have pushed, hit, kicked and spat at her. One boy pushed her out of the playhouse window last week! So i do understand what it is like to have a gentle child who gets battered.

In both situations I was confident in nursery's ability to deal with the issues. I certainly donot blame the parents of the little boys that are being physical with my lovely dd at the minute as I know that the parents are powerless to do anything when their children are in nursery.

Nursery SHOULD have better strategies. It is possible to manange situations like yours-they are all too common amongst this age group. You need to find out what those strategies are-if they are not good enough,then look elsewhere.

Who told you about the nursery's meetings with the mother and what she had said in those meetings? I hope it wasn't the nursery staff.

The issue is with the staff's supervision of the children and not whether the boy has 1:1 care. This is what the staff should be reassuring you about IMO.

I don't know how to say this, so i'm just gonna,when we have children at nursery that are serial hitters and biters it becomes a very difficult situation, its true we are not allowed to inform who did what do to who and visa versa with the victim, i would just like to point out a child in our nursery, was big hitter, pusher, kicker e.t.c he was blamed for everything so one day a parent comes in the and said she's not happy with said hitter child, that he is bulling her child and really scratched her, and her child was really upset, the hitter wasn't in they day of the incident, children are very aware of who is the trouble maker and will blame them, i'm not saying your child is lying but i do feel that he may not always to blame and i also don't think you should tell your child to fight back, as that is just adding to the problem

At that age I would tell your DD to hit/kick back HARD.IME even children who suffer from bad parenting 'syndromes pretty soon learn not to hurt someone who hurts tham back !!

katiestar, the problem with that approach is that a child who has been taught to fight back with his parents' approval may then get into fighting habits that will get her into trouble for years after she has parted ways with the original trouble maker (have seen this happen)

I absolutely agree with the other posters who have said the onus is on the nursery to show how they are going to handle the situation and keep the OPs dd safe

confrontations with the parents are likely to achieve little: after all, the parents can't control the child while he is actually at the nursery; that is the job of the nursery staff

please please please tell me you really aren't a new teacher, newteacher?

demanding a meeting with the child's parents? really? in your training did they go to great lengths to explain how that would work? or did they reiterate the importance of the teacher/ nursery manager STAFF and professionals dealing with situations that occur on the premises?
sheesh.

your ONLY point of contact should be the nursery, and your ONLY discussion should be how the situation is affecting your child. i can't believe you even mentioned the other kids name tbh. you should know how the system works, however 'new' you are.

(really hoping you chose your username because one of your older kids has got a new teacher lol, otherwise there are parents running scared in all directions saying 'no nqt please')

IF the child has behavioural issues (big if, tbh) the nursery need to be dealing with it, utilising LA resources if they are an ofsted registered nursery. not you.

if the nursery are digging their heels in, move your kid.

oh, and having just read your mid-thread post more carefully (notwithstanding the point how the h*ll do you know what was said) it is up to the nursery how much supervision they give a child, not the parents.
what are the doing, saying, 'ooh, no, we aren't allowed to tell little johnny he's not allowed allowed to do that or keep an eye on him, because his mummy doesn't agree'??? unlikely.

i've worked with children whose parents aren't interested in their sn (not that this is a given) but somehow the staff do manage do put appropriate support in place, IF the setting can be bothered.

What lljkk said - do not focus on the alleged biter. That could cloud the issue.

You have said "he had done this to 6 other children as well"

Are you sure? How do you know?

You say "he slapped my DDs face on 3 separate days"
.
Definitely 3 separate days.? Are you sure?

I am only pointing this out because if you draw attention to him and his parents, these are the questions they might ask you. And that is getting off topic.

The point is you don't want your child randomly scratched or bitten by anybody.

So you need to say to the nursery, something like "my DD is coming home with scratch marks, which look painful. Can you keep an eye out for her? What's your policy on kids getting hurt at nursery?"

Don't tell her to kick back. That is obviously a really bad idea.

Perhaps she could say "No. I don't like that" loudly.

Have you asked her to tell a nursery teacher when it happens?

Your DD will meet all kinds of biters, bargers, farters and scratchers as her education progresses. She will need to have some strategies to cope. Perhaps now is the time to teach her some.

Saying 'no'; avoiding; ignoring; are 3 quite good ones.

Everybody starts out telling their kids not to hit back.Eventually , sadly, you find none of the 'telling the teacher' , shouting ''I don't like that' just don't work in the real world.

Hitting back doesn't work either- if the other child happens to be stronger than you.

My ds is fairly small and with weak joints. He would be massacred if I told him to hit back. Fortunately, the school have an absolute non-hitting policy and the children are taught that they must get help if someone is being hurt and frightened.

Telling the teacher has worked for him throughout his school career.

I help out at our local pre-school regularly and certain days are more challenging than others as some kids just don't mix well together.
One child tries a bit too hard to join in but ends up hitting others or damaging their games/toys because he expects them to give him 100% attention.
He also loves "destroying" and we are forever taking things off him, as he will use anything to hit objects, windows, people.
His mum gets very upset about his behaviour and i do feel for her.
She does come and stay for a session sometimes but she does not see his behaviour as he will not leave her side the whole time.
We are trying to give him "jobs" to do, like telling everyone its tidy up time, getting the plates and cups, helping put out toys, anything to show him that helpfull behaviour feels "good".