Nursery owner lied about hitting problem

[globaljen]

Crossposted from Nurseries - as this is more a preschool than a Nursery (didn't realise they were separate threads. sorry!)

Argh I need some advice, although I think I know your response! Long winded, sorry...

My son is currently at the end of his first year at a private Montessori nursery. He finds the work fun - I think (he's not yet 3), but recently started complaining about a child hitting him. He was extremely reluctant to go to nursery, and we had several tearful dropoffs. I brought this up with the nursery owner (it is v small, just 12 children) and she said that she hadn't noticed it happening but would keep an eye out.

I then had a conversation with another parent who said their child had also had a problem with hitting (from a particular child), and that the nursery owner was surprised.. but as they were older, could articulate exactly what was going on. Later that week, I reiterated my concerns to the owner (after further comments by my son), and she denied all knowledge of a hitting problem, and intimated that my son (2.5yrs) was making it up. As you can imagine, that got me cross!

Fast forward to today, and my son said "I don't want to go to school because of the hitting". Pretty clear - and fair enough. So I got my husband to call up the owner, as he is better (and less emotional!) about these things. He asked a point blank question, and she point blank said that "no other parent had made a complaint about hitting" - a blatant lie.

What do we do? We don't want to move him if at all possible, as it (otherwise) is a fantastic nursery. My son is very bright, but he seems engaged by what is going on, and there is a good staff ratio. But if the owner is happy to lie regarding a) bullying and b) a conversation that is easily cross-checked, what else could they be lying about?

My husband wants to move him, I am not happy with the way the nursery has handled this, but the only alternative is an academic nursery - I know my son is bright (he can read and is good at counting and lateral thinking), but I don't want to pressure him before he's even 3! He is very sensitive so may take the move quite badly.

Help?! Any thoughts, advice etc appreciated.

As a side note, most of the people at/considering the nursery know it is excellent (it was rated outstanding by Ofsted) but agree the owner is not likeable and not particularly nice person to us parents!

A nursery owner would not wish to tell you something that would question your child's safety. T ob honest, all children go through stages and this is not probably something that can be avoided. However, if you can't connect and if you dislike someone who is caring for your child then this is not the basis for a relationship that will be of benefit to your child. Your son will pick up on your annoyance with the nursery and this will make him unhappy. You either need to work through this or think of looking elsewhere.

Thanks, Avenanap. I know it is more a personality issue, and that kids WILL hit - I (and my husband) are just very worried that they are outright lying about meetings that we both know have taken place; what else could they be lying about? Could you give an example of how we could work through this? (genuinely interested, as I am trying not to move him if at all possible)

How can it be a fantastic nursery if what you say is true?

You may dislike the inconvenience and upheaval of moving your son but if the owner is not likeable and tells lies to parents, it seems to me that parents cannot/ will not respect her. I cannot understand how you can allow your child to be looked after by someone you don't respect.

If I were you, I'd move and tell her why... but I understand that it will be more in sorrow than in anger/ with a heavy heart. However she has lied to you and she does not believe you when you tell her what has happened to your son

I would take him out straight away. IMagine going somewhere everyday where the person caring for you turns a blind eye to this sort of thing and then denies it is happening. The owner is clearly a freak. Your poor son, don't subject him to more misery.

I'd ditch the nursery. Your son is tearful and reluctant to go which are huge red flags AND the owner is telling at least one big fat lie. Not good.

Yes, small children do hit each other, but the nursery should be reassuring you and handling the situation properly so that neither your son nor any other child is frightened to attend.

I would tell her that you know from other sources that there have been problems with children hitting at the school. Tell her that you want to work with them to keep your child there as he is happy otherwise. To be honest. My ds's head has lied to me about certain things, I'm moving him because I don't trust him. They can give excuses and say all they want but you never recover from it. You question everything they do and this is not the best basis for the relationship that you need in order to get the best for your child. Kids do hit, but they witheld information from you. It's the same as being dishonest. You have to decide what is best for you. Kids adapt, no matter how sensitive you think they are. If there's no trust then this can be really hard to fix.

Why do you think another nursery would be more academic? My ds1 has been to 2 preschools (we moved counties) and they are both totally play based. The children who will be going into reception in the following September do odd bits of more strutured play involving counting/letters/ shapes/sorting, etc but the rest of the time it's free play.

In ds1's current pre school they have a little circle time, then split into 2 groups. 1 group does quieter, creative activities whie the other does more boisterous play, then they swap. After that they have snack time, then a session playing outside or on the physical toys if it's raining. The last half hour or so is story time or singing.

The old one was a pretty similar set up in terms of the structure of the morning.

TBH, if you're concerned that you may not be being told the truth about what happens there it may well be best to find somewhere else. As you say, if she can lie about this, what else is she lying about.

Also, I'd agree that hitting is something that all kids do, BUT if it's becoming a major issue for your son and affecting his enjoyment of preschool then it's something more than 'just what kids do'.

The preschool should have a very clear behaviour policy that you should be allowed to read - we had to read every policy and sign to say we'd done it - so you could ask her to see the one for your preschool. If she's not very forthcoming it may be worth getting a few other parents together and having a chat with her, so you can all back each other up.

One last point, you mentioned your son is sensitive - would it affect him more to move to a preschool where he is happy and feels safe or leave him where he is clearly unhappy? Just a thought.

We had almost exactly the same problem with hitting. The pre-school owner didn't lie, she just kept saying that it wasn't happening when clearly it was as DS was telling us who was doing it and saying they were bullies.

It was only resolved when DH made it quite clear that if it wasn't sorted at once he would be taken out at the end of the week.

Suddenly, the hitting stopped and DS has been happy there ever since.

One of the children that was hitting DS has special needs so I can't blame him for hitting out. What bothered me more is that he is allocated a full-time member of staff and yet they were saying they hadn't seen him doing anything wrong.

My advice would be to make it plain that you have spoken to other parents and it is clear that your son is unhappy with the situation and you will move him and soon, if it persists.