DC, 3, hates nursery and teacher

[OnNaturesCourse]

DC has only recently started nursery but is progressively getting worse with each drop off, and at pick up time screams hysterically for a good 15 mins in my arms.

They are so unhappy, it's breaking my heart. It's starting to bleed into normal day to day as well, for example they get stressed seeing their uniform or start shouting to go home if we happen to drive by the nursery.

DC has gone from very carefree happy child to pretty upset and stressed, it's very hard to witness.

They have said they hate their keyworker, can't get any reason out of them, and I've witnessed them actively avoid her in the nursery. Other children seem fine around her but my child definitely hasn't clicked with her.

We've tried long days, short days, more days etc but nothing is settling them. Even a comforter from home hasn't helped. Lunch from home hasn't helped. Me promising to sit in the car outside for hour hasn't helped. Bribery hasn't helped. Tough love etc etc.

Its destroying me every day and I'm at a loss for what to do. Im pregnant aswell so my hormones barely let me get back to the car before I burst into tears as I feel awful for leaving them in such a state. (I can hear them screaming for me through the closed door, teachers are physically lifting them off me into the room as they cling to me.)

Looking for any tips, hints or advice on what to do and how to help them.

DC is 3 and half. Winter baby so won't start school until 2026.

How long has it been? How many days does she go?

Do you mean you think the key person is actively avoiding your child? To be honest I would try another setting, maybe a smaller childminder if possible. However at nearly 4 she’ll start school soon and I would definitely be keen to ensure she gets used to being in a group setting and periods away from you

It all sounds awful and I don’t think it’s the norm to be so upset about going to nursery, most kids I know are pretty happy with going once they’re settled. My second went on a week long hunger strike when he started but soon settled

Dd had a real thing about men - other than dh, she wouldn’t go near them. Then she started nursery. Her teacher was lovely but a masculine looking woman. She was miserable. It was so hard. There were other small issues but after a few weeks we moved dd to a cm and my goodness, my happy little girl came back. It’s about finding the right setting for your dc and my advice is to trust your gut. (Dd is now 16 and fine with men, it was a passing phase - kids are weird and that’s okay).

If they've only just started then it's probably just a case of time tbh. It's a big deal for wee ones getting used to a new noisy environment, lots of new faces both adults & children, new routines & lunchtimes etc.
Does nursery say they're unsettled all day?
Quite honestly many children will be dramatically upset & screaming like this, especially if they know parents are hanging around to check but a minute later are cheerfully playing all day & will switch the tears on at pick up time again. It's their way of communicating to you that they aren't happy with the changes but it doesn't mean they are distraught all day!

IME usually doing a very quick handover & leaving is the easiest thing for both you & your child. Oh & make sure all your conversations about nursery are really positive, have seen parents drop off children apologising to them because they know you don't like it, which really doesn't help!

How long ago did she start as that seems like a heck of a lot of things to have tried in settling a child who has only recently started nursery, it doesn't sound like you've had chance to give each idea a good amount of time to work?

Is there another setting you could try moving her to if this has been going on a while then it might be easier to move her and try again somewhere new, maybe a childminder would be a better fit for her?

If it's been a few months & they aren't settling then absolutely I'd be looking to change to another nursery or childminder. Occasionally it is just not a good fit, after all even as adults we don't like everyone. But be aware you may find the same thing happens elsewhere.
If it's just 3 or 4 weeks then speak to nursery & persevere.

I would give it two months- my son took about 3-4 weeks to properly settle and then he loved nursery (skipped in in the morning!). My little girl loved nursery immediately,

I think if they still hate it approaching the two month mark there is something not right about this setting for your child and you should move them.

Would he be happier with a different key worker do you think? You could ask nursery if he could switch as he hasn't clicked with the one he's with.

Thank you all.

Few answers, from the questions I can remember..

DC is 3 but won't start school until Aug 2026 due to being a winter baby so still has another 2 years..

The key worker isn't avoiding DC but my DC is avoiding them..

There are other settings but this nursery is part of the school DC will attend plus my other DCs are at the school as well.

Had another horrific drop off today but DC settled before I'd even left the coat room apparently. I went into the nursery this time and settled them for story time before saying goodbye and just walking out without looking back. This was all after a very long meltdown this morning about getting uniform etc on, to the point where I phoned the nursery and between us we agreed just a half day afternoon session would be best to allow DC time to calm down.

How long ago did they start?

Why not a CM?
No uniform less fuss.
He/she might not be a fit for nursery. Wouldn't be the first child to do better in a smaller setting.

I'm not expert, but have heard if they're crying at pick up that's not a great sign. It might be worth having a break and then trying a different place. It might not be the right fit. Alternatively, give this an end date and see how it goes. Are they happy once you've left? Hiw long they take to settle is another sign, as many cry at drop off.

Every child is different. My eldest loved school nursery but I knew it would not have suited my youngest so we kept my youngest at existing childcare setting (outdoorsy private nursery) until starting Reception. You seem to be acting like it's compulsory your child attends this school setting but it's not?

Had DH pick up yesterday and apparently DC was fine, a little clingy but no big show of tears or anything.

I do wonder if we can somehow work around his work for him to do drop offs to see if that also makes a difference.

Its been a few months.

It might be worth trying a different setting? My eldest was absolutely fine from age 1 in a lovely nursery. We had to change when they were 3ish to a new one and they also hated it, and didn’t make any friends. After 6 weeks we tried a new setting (same chain) and we had our happy child back almost instantly. There wasn’t anything wrong with the first one, they just didn’t “click.” 2 years is a long time if they’re unhappy.

If it's been a few months and still no improvement it might be time to try somewhere else?
He might feel more comfortable with a childminder? Quieter environment with more one to one attention

It's not compulsory but it's the easiest for us in the long term...and short term really as our next nursery is further away and wouldn't tie in well with school pick ups and clubs.

My best alternative is to pull them out and have them at home again, but I'd rather they got the experiences nursery can provide but not at the cost of their distress.

Decided to give it another month and if no improvement I will do the above as its really the only option I have.

I'm a SAHP so a childminder setting feels a bit pointless plus most around me are fully booked on the days I would need/prefer.

Still going with this.

DC is starting to settle a bit more, not all drops are as bad now and even managed a full day the other day.

However the keyworker is now really complaining about the fact DC still occasionally uses their nappy. They are potty trained for the most part and will ask to go etc but are very easily distracted. Plus they aren't 100% confident in pooping in the toliet yet so do try to get out of that.

Today at drop off keyworker asked if she could just treat DC like the non potty trained kids (ie let them use a nappy) or if I "particularly wanted her to keep on at DC" about going... Like it was a major hardship to occasionally ask DC if they needed. Also stated that DC tends to ask for the toliet in more inconvenient times like lunchtimes etc which got my back up a little.

I'm beginning to suspect DC really isn't getting the support they need.

Sounds like they are not potty trained at all then - can you crack on with that at home and stop the nappies at nursery?

It must be hard to manage that in a group setting if she's in a nappy but you're pretending she's trained and asking for support with that.

@CoughForWeeks they are potty training - not fully trained and I have never implyed that they were. Nursery fully aware and accepted that, and actually agreed to support it. So yes, I am "cracking on with it" but unfortunately it's not going to happen over night. Plus DC has always had a sensative stomach with intolerances and a habit of loose or compacted stools when unsettled or unwell so no, I won't be sending them without a nappy or pull up until they are settled. Last thing I need is them having a accident as that will completely knock their confidence with training and going into nursery.

At home they are usually completely dry and go without a nappy in the house. Occasionally when we are out there will be a accident. It seems to be happening frequently at nursery so I'm not sure what's going on - if they don't like asking to go, or don't like the toliet or are simply too distracted.

Sorry this is slightly off topic - my little girl is not yet 3 and a half, she turned 3 in June, and I'm pretty sure she's starting school in September 2025? Why is your DC starting in 2026 if they're older?

I am based in Scotland and have the right to defer DC starting school until the August after their 5th birthday. DC isn't 5 until winter 2025 so can defer until August 2026 😊

@Snickers94 in Scotland if you have a winter born child, you can defer entry until the following August. My January 2021 DD would be in this position if we lived in Scotland (not that I would take if if I lived there, as she would be more than ready for school), but it is an option for parents who choose it.

In Scotland any child who is not 5 by the first day of the start of term in August has the right to a fully funded additional year at nursery.