Are private prep schools more competitive and clicky?

[Thefirstime]

I’m looking for a community around my son’s new school in Sept.. I have heard from multiple parents just how clicky and gossipy private schools are and I have seen elements of it for myself.. also if you don’t “fit in” neither will your child..

Thoughts?

There are cliques at every school. And gossip. I’m not sure I’ve noticed these phenomena being worse at prep schools than at state schools. Really depends on the general culture of the place.

But children, particularly younger children, make their own friends - regardless of the cost of parents’ cars or holidays.

It’s best not to rely on school to provide or bolster one’s social life. Just be polite and friendly to those who reciprocate, and don’t worry about anyone who doesn’t.

I wouldn’t say they are more cliquey than other schools. Most schools will have “cliques”, or parents who you gel with or those you don’t.

I've had experience of two prep schools, one was like this and the other couldn't have been more the opposite. And from threads I read on here about school gate cliques and PTA politics at state schools up and down the country, it doesn't just happen at prep schools either.

I think it completely depends on the culture of the school and all you can do is visit, ask other parents (on here, if you don't know any) and then see how you get on. There is no right answer - a school that is right for one family is wrong for another.

We’ve experienced a few state and private schools and I think it really varies by school.

I would say some are less friendly, less events being arranged etc, but I don’t really see that a group of people chatting at the gates is a clique as such, it’s just friends. They don’t owe you anything. Not everyone wants new friends. I think the cliquey label often comes out of paranoia.

At any school, I mean.

Yes, because a) they are often much smaller and b) when people pay for something there is a sense of ownership.

I went to both private and state school. I would never choose private in part because it is very socially limiting, due to the small size of schools.

There are cliques at all school gates, but more so at small private schools simply because the numbers of 'randoms not in cliques' people are inevitably much lower.

What’s a clique? You mean are some parents friends? Of course, but while everyone might not get invited out for drinks, I also think everyone is polite and chats to everyone at school / parties. We are all adults with jobs at my kids school. Perhaps the idea of cliques is more relevant when a school has lots of stay at home moms but that’s not the case where I am.

In my humble, it's nothing to do with whether you pay fees or not, it's just different characters and can vary wildly between cohorts even in the same school. I have two at a prep school. One year group couldn't be further from cliquey. The other year group is maybe a bit more divided into groups but the groups are very open and welcoming and if one wanted to get involved in then, I'd say they'd be open to all comers! It's just a question of being confident and friendly when you meet everyone.

If you would never choose Private then why does it matter?

My DD went to a private prep. It was an incredibly welcoming, friendly school with absolutely no bitchy behaviour. I was really worried moving there from state as we are definitely not well off but if was far nicer than the state one!

I think more often that not, "clique" is another word for "friends"

Every time this comes up someone will act all faux naiveté and say clique?is that a group who happen to get on. Then describing their own clique as if it’s an open friendship group . In reality yes all school have clique and mother superiors who are mean. All groups will inevitably have a queen bee set. Fortunately they all gravitate to each other,in their pta bubble leaving everyone else to their thing
.

I don’t think it is worse per se in term of clique . Get them everywhere
what I will say is at private prep there is more conspicuously wealthy & ostentatious parents

No one is being naive. Its making a distinction between:

1. Are there friendship groups which don't include everyone in the year (yes, of course and this is normal)
2. Are people mean and rude giving certain people the cold shoulder (no, not in my experience and that would be odd for adults with jobs who are busy and emotionally intelligent).

you misunderstand @MusicMum80s I am in no way saying it’s globally naive to worry about clique’s

I am observing a specific mn phenomenon of faux surprise and protests that cliques do not exist, only friendship groups. I'm describing the faux naïveté of gosh! You say clique I say friends they then describe all the features of a clique (selection,exclusion,participation in group activities for members)

I agree cliques exist all schools. The extent of the clique and what impact of the clique is the important point

if they live a nice house and you don't they won't associate with you. trust me

so just hold yourself well confidently, dress well and you'll be ok

it's nothing to do with whether you pay fees or not, it's just different characters and can vary wildly between cohorts even in the same school.

This. Both DD’s have been to three schools, two of which private. Our worst experience by far, was the local village school full of lots of cliquey sahm. But even within each school cohorts we’d have one year group who were very friendly and social. The other, not so much.