Preschool expectations

[sheepisheep]

Can I ask for some feedback about preschool education and if my expectations are way out?

Moved DD3 in September from her lovely nursery to preschool at the prep school we intend her to go to. It's been a bit tough going. Barely any feedback about DD except about her toileting. She kept having (poo) accidents because she's withholding stool. Came to a head at parents evening when they told us she "had one more chance to stop having accidents and then she has to stay at home until the problem is fixed". They also expect all the 3 year olds to be able to wipe themselves, which obviously doesn't happen (and the TA has told us that she just does it for them, but it remains school policy).
Requested a meeting with the head (because the teacher told us it wasn't her decision), and were told we'd be able to meet with her, only for the meeting to be with the just the teacher and TA. Agreed a plan so that DD wasn't being set up to fail and school are involved in giving her her movicol so problem was managed, but no acknowledgement that they'd agreed to a meeting with the head and basically lied to us - it was clear there was never any intention that she'd be there.

There are only 11 in the class, with a teacher and a TA. It sounds like a dream ratio to me. DD goes in happily, has made friends and seems to enjoy herself. Is picking up phonics, seems to love the learning. This week we got a report card which literally just says "meeting expectations" in most areas with 1 "working above expectations" and no further detail.

Is this normal? We got more feedback from her nursery than that on a monthly basis. They seem to be expecting her to act like a 4 or 5 year old, and were only prepared to support her in her individual development when we really pushed. I went to state school and I'm really underwhelmed, having thought that a private school would have a lot more 1-1 focus. But DD seems happy and gets very unsettled by change, so i'd prefer to keep her where she is if we can, and i'm sort of hoping that i'm being unreasonable in some way.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far!

So that when she eventually comes off the movicol she doesn't get freaked out by doing a poo at school, and doesn't go back to holding her poo?

OK.

Thanks. Honestly, the stool withholding is getting loads better but this is a work in progress that is not going to be "fixed" by a couple of weeks break from school. Please trust me when I say we've spent a long time on this, have had input from GP and incontinence nurse. We don't know exactly what triggered it. It's in hand and the point of this thread was to ask about school expectations rather than go into the detail about stool withholding, valuable though that topic is 🙂

I think maybe you just need to show her how to do it. Let her have a bit of practice.

Not even sure what to say to this. We have obviously tried this multiple, multiple times.

DS2 is in preschool at the prep his siblings attend and it’s nothing like this. He can wipe himself after the toilet but they’re very understanding of any accidents and do help them if required. His class does have more staff than your child’s, though; 4 staff to 12 children.

We have an app which gives us daily updates & we usually get a few photos per week of what they’ve been doing which is lovely. The staff are always happy to have a chat at pick up of how their day has been as well.

My eldest daughter attended a normal private nursery (not prep school) but had some difficulties with urinary accidents. She had recurrent UTIs but the staff's frustration led to her trying to hold it in because in her 3 year old mind if she just didn't go to the toilet there wouldn't be an issue. Of course it led to many accidents.

In the end senior management from the chain got involved and the staff involved left pretty quickly and better staff got moved to the room who were supportive.

It's easy to say 'all 3 year olds should be continent' as sometimes is more complex.

My daughter's anxiety around using the toilet lasted longer than the physical issues and she had accidents as school until about year 2 (but reducing over time). The school were 100% on board and supportive of the process. Even now in year 4 it was handed over the teacher to let her know that she can use the toilet when she wants (she doesn't need to know and goes at break times but the knowledge she can reduces anxiety +++)

Now, aged 8 she has an autism diagnosis and it all makes sense. At 3 we did not know this.

I should have moved her to a more supportive nursery straight away in hindsight.