Twins won't settle in preschool.

[redheadmama1]

My twins are 2 (3 in December) and this is their first year of preschool. The school was only able to offer 2 days per week for them for the first year (Thurs & Fri) and every week since the end of August has been the same. They're excited getting up, getting ready, going in the car.. Until they get in and that's when the tears and tantrums start. After a few weeks, they made a bit of progress and managed to get inside, sit at the tables, and begin playing with the toys. But as soon as I move to leave then they start crying. One starts the other off until they're both in full meltdowns.

I've tried seperating them to try and settle them singularly. I've tried getting others to do the drop offs in case I'm the problem. I've tried only going as far as the door and not going in with them. I've even stooped to bribing them if they stay and don't cry. Nothing works. They don't like interacting with others (covid babies) and avoid eye contact. The teachers have been great and have slowly tried to gain their trust and get them familiar with them but they just don't want to give anyone a chance.

Their older sister is also in the same preschool, she's in her second year. I thought this would be a huge help to them but even that doesn't encourage them to stay. We do play dates with other kids from the class and even then they're still very wary and it takes them a long time to come out of themselves to play.

We talk about school a lot at home and they are always very positive about it and always say that they'll go the next time and won't cry. The day comes and it's no issue getting ready and leaving, they're excited about it, until we get in there.

They're fine and will play (together only) and sometimes with their sister, as long as I'm in the room. As soon as I mention needing to go or take a step back away from them, the tears start.

I'm currently pregnant again and really want to have them somewhat settled before the new baby arrives. I know that they would absolutely love it if they gave it a chance.

Looking for any advice/tips to help with getting them settled.

Thank you!

@justgettingthroughtheday I think I will need to take this approach and say that I have an appointment or something that I won't be available for at least an hour to give them that time to settle. I think the staff have just expected that I'm available to come back right away as I only live a couple of minutes away so they just deal with it for 10 mins and then call me to come back because its the easiest option.

@CatGrins They are both girls 😊

@TeddyBeans The first few weeks I tried the drop and go approach and it was the staff that encouraged me to come inside with them and get them settled. I didn't really want to do this as I had a feeling it would make them worse. It would have been easier for them if I had never stepped foot into the setting so they didn't get used to me being there.

Speaking it through with everyone here, I think it's been made clear to me that the problem is not giving them time. The staff are giving in too quickly and calling me to come back instead of leaving them at least half an hour or an hour to see if they settle. Obviously I wouldn't push it if after an hour they were still inconsolable but I do believe that they need to be given longer than 15 minutes before I'm being called back.

It’s a myth that children need preschool. Some enjoy it, others don’t. Unless home is a dangerous place none need it.

Preferring to stay with your parents when you are two is not a prep len although society will have you believing that because western culture is pro work force & anti children.

School aged children understand substantially more than two year olds. There’s no logic in trying to get them used to something that’s years away. We don’t sent 15 year olds into Uni for a couple of days a week to get them used to it do we. When they’re ready they’ll be ready but until then why upset you all?

@Opine I've spoken with the staff and we're going to try me dropping off, quick goodbye, and leaving. They've agreed to leave them for half an hour to an hour to see if they'll calm and settle and if not then I'll come back for them and take it from there. If they're really not interested or not liking it at all then I can leave them until next year if I have to. They'll get their 5 days then and might have a better chance of getting them to settle when there's the routine of 5 days and they'll be that bit older.

My only reason for wanting them to go so much (aside from having a few hours to myself 😂) is seeing how much my oldest daughter loves it and they're almost disappointed when she goes to school so at least if they went they would be with her and would enjoy it as much as she does. I know them better than they know themselves and know that they'd love their time in there and really enjoy themselves, the problem is the fear they obviously have when I leave that stops them from giving it a chance.

Have worked in pre schools and honestly it just doesn’t suit some kids. Some never settle and they are just miserable and yes just cry the whole time which is stressful for staff and not fair in the other kids. If they have had a decent time to settle and still haven’t I would take them out.

Honestly, if they are reacting like this after several months, then (IMO) all you would be seeing if they did settle after being left might just be them 'giving up' because they know that despite expressing time and again that they aren't ready, they are not being listened to. It wouldn't necessarily mean that they now 'enjoy' preschool. If they have separation anxiety, this last few months will have been really tough.
Am speaking from experience, because one of my few memories of being that age was being dropped off at preschool and being distraught. It was just the once - my DM took me home and tried again when I was 4 and left me at school nursery and I remember my first day there too and being a lot more settled. I had no problems settling at school even though I only had a short time at nursery (they were oversubscribed that year).
My own DC (who has autism)had severe separation anxiety and wouldn't even let me put of her sight in Stay and Play sessions. Remembering my own experience, I focused on her starting nursery and she had a very gradual transition. By then she was 3 and a bit. In the meantime we went to lots of playgroups where the parents stay, so she didn't miss out. It's not any reflection in the parent - my older DC skipped in happily to every childcare or education setting (and I went back to work at 10m old). Never a problem.
If they really won't settle, is there a playgroup/Stay and Play in your area which allows all age kids and parents to stay? If you're having another baby soon, this might be a good option to meet other parents to arrange social 'play dates'?

I work in a preschool. We rarely call parents back in, that seems so odd. And they shouldn't really come inside apart from the first day. They do cry when they're only 2, but it doesn't take long to settle in when they understand goodbye at the door and then pick up later. This preschool have basically taught your twins that if they kick off mummy will come back 😱! I have one that only does one half day a week, always cries for literally 1.5 minutes but knows he's not going to get mummy back so he stops. I think you need to talk to preschool about how you want to handle it. They will settle when they understand that you're coming back later but not before the usual time.

@MilkyWaytoday Starting this week, I'm going to try the drop and go approach. If they don't settle in a decent amount of time allowed by staff then I reckon I will have to consider leaving it for this year until they are that bit older and try again next year and see how it goes then.

@UpsyDaisysarmpit I think a lot of the problem is them only being allocated 2 days instead of the 5 and the days falling on a Thursday and Friday. I think if they had been given the full week (only school overbooked) or even if their days were staggered in the week that there wasn't a week between each attempt then I feel like they would have settled by now. There's too much time between each try so it's like starting all over from scratch again.

I am disappointed that the staff haven't tried a bit harder to give them a longer amount of time to settle. I don't think 10 or 15 minutes is giving them long enough and I think as it's been months now that they've just become accustomed to knowing if they kick up a fuss, the teachers will call me to come back.

Unfortunately we don't have any stay and play or playgroups in our area but we do organise regular playdates with kids from the school as my older daughter is there too so some of her friends have siblings that are the twins age so we organise weekly play dates at each others houses, soft play areas, playgrounds, etc. There are activities in our area such as football, arts and crafts, dance classes, etc that we've enrolled them in but they always seem to be very quiet and keep to themselves. It's quite sad as a mother to see how little they socialise because I know how confident and outgoing they can be when given the time to warm up/come out of themselves.

@MerryMarigold I found it odd that they always called me back so quickly too. There hasn't been one day where they haven't called within a few minutes to come back for them and it's given them the expectation that all they have to do is kick up for 10 minutes and I'll come back and get them. I've asked the staff if they can at least leave them for between half an hour and an hour and see if they calm and settle within that time. Obviously I don't want to be disrupting the other kids in the class so if after an hour, they still didn't seem to settle or calm then I'd have no problem coming back for them.

I wasn't allowed in for the first couple of months, everything happened at the door. The staff saw that they weren't coming in along on their own so they just told me to try again another day, so there was only maybe 5 minutes of time given to them during that time. It's only in the last month that they've asked me to come inside with them now to get them settled in the room and set up at a table and within fifteen minutes, one of the staff will approach me and say to try again another day as it doesn't seem like they're settling.

I know them so well and know that if given the time, they would calm down and start to explore the things around them. I think they just need to learn that mammy can't stay but she'll be back to collect them at the regular time. It's only 3 hours so the time would fly by once they started getting into things.

Don't make a fuss, drop them off and go. Don't hang around. I can almost guarantee they don't cry for more than a few minutes or so

We had a settle at nursery today. Lasted 30 minutes which is the norm for us. Mum dropped him at the gate, he was carried in crying, she left, he took about 10 minutes to calm down. He spent the next 20 minutes happily playing and interacting with the other children and was pleased as punch when mum came back to get him.

Mum said the fact we'd managed to get his coat off was a massive achievement 🤷‍♀️ the onus is on the staff to try and settle the children. Your twins have most certainly learnt that kicking up a stink means mummy coming back and why wouldn't they want that? You're their security. It doesn't mean they won't have an amazing time without you, they're probably just not used to you not being there when they're enjoying themselves.

Keep trying OP, they'll get there!

Hi @redheadmama1 apologies if you have mentioned this and I missed this. It really helped my eldest to take a toy in (if they are allowed) so his new favourite transformer or whatever it was to show his friends and I would make a big deal, like 'oooh don't forget to show that to xxx they will love it' and that helped. I couldn't do this with my youngest as Covid meant no home items allowed in 😢 I wonder if this might help, or a special cuddly toy the choose to be their preschool friend or something?! Xxx

Or may take a bit longer now they've got used to you coming back, for them to unlearn that. But keep going... They will get there and it will be great for them and you. You all need this with a pregnancy and new baby coming. It's really not a good idea to do it at the same time as the baby's arrival. I have twins too (now in Y9!) so I know what hard work it is. You need to look after yourself in order to look after the whole family. They will get used to it, even with a big gap. Don't let them sense any distress from you. The amount of parents that wind their kids up because they are actually upset themselves drives me nuts!! Kids are resilient and this will help them to be more resilient.

Well, everyone. You'll be pleased to know that the drop and go approach worked. They cried for a few minutes when I was gone but staff said they settled after half an hour or so and started playing and exploring. They freaked out a little at snack time as the other kids got excited and loud but I told the staff to not worry about them eating their snacks for the moment if its overwhelming for them (11am) as I collect them at 12 so they can eat when they get home. They're in again today so fingers crossed it goes as well if not better. I'm delighted. I knew if given more time to settle in the morning that they would be fine. Thank you so much everyone for all of your kind words, advice, and tips.

Result! Glad you’ve found a solution.
good luck with your new baby 😊

Excellent news OP! Long may it continue and good luck with your newest addition ❤️

@Opine & @TeddyBeans Thank you so much! Such a relief to know that it worked and seeing the picture the staff sent of them smiling in there and them coming home excited telling me about everything they did in school is so great, I knew that they would love it when they gave it a chance 😊

That's great OP! Long may it continue!

Amazing op!

My DS is still a bit nervous/quiet at nursery and doesn't eat (it's only 3 hours a day and he eats before so the nursery are fine with this).

@Got2besoon Same with mine, it's only 3 hours and they eat before they go in and I know they'll eat when they come home so if they don't eat in there then I'm not that worried. They had a great day today and actually ate some of their food at snack time so another bit of progress again with them 😊 like your DS, they're still a bit quiet/nervous but they come out of themselves after an hour or so being there so I'm happy with that, they'll adjust and be more confident once they get used to it 😊