Twins won't settle in preschool.

[redheadmama1]

My twins are 2 (3 in December) and this is their first year of preschool. The school was only able to offer 2 days per week for them for the first year (Thurs & Fri) and every week since the end of August has been the same. They're excited getting up, getting ready, going in the car.. Until they get in and that's when the tears and tantrums start. After a few weeks, they made a bit of progress and managed to get inside, sit at the tables, and begin playing with the toys. But as soon as I move to leave then they start crying. One starts the other off until they're both in full meltdowns.

I've tried seperating them to try and settle them singularly. I've tried getting others to do the drop offs in case I'm the problem. I've tried only going as far as the door and not going in with them. I've even stooped to bribing them if they stay and don't cry. Nothing works. They don't like interacting with others (covid babies) and avoid eye contact. The teachers have been great and have slowly tried to gain their trust and get them familiar with them but they just don't want to give anyone a chance.

Their older sister is also in the same preschool, she's in her second year. I thought this would be a huge help to them but even that doesn't encourage them to stay. We do play dates with other kids from the class and even then they're still very wary and it takes them a long time to come out of themselves to play.

We talk about school a lot at home and they are always very positive about it and always say that they'll go the next time and won't cry. The day comes and it's no issue getting ready and leaving, they're excited about it, until we get in there.

They're fine and will play (together only) and sometimes with their sister, as long as I'm in the room. As soon as I mention needing to go or take a step back away from them, the tears start.

I'm currently pregnant again and really want to have them somewhat settled before the new baby arrives. I know that they would absolutely love it if they gave it a chance.

Looking for any advice/tips to help with getting them settled.

Thank you!

Honestly if they've not settled by now, they might always be like this.
I think your options are - continue and just do a quick drop off - bye, love you, I'll pick you up later.
Ditch pre-school and don't bother and try again in 6 months.
Try a different pre-school.

I know when I was small my Mum had the same issue, it got to the point where my Mum just had to stay for the entire pre-school session, and then it's like well what's the point, might as well just not bother. So we stopped and I just started school without going to pre-school.

Do you need pre school for child care while you work? If not then I wouldn't bother.

I have twins and they were challenging at 2. They never wanted to be left anywhere. I was gutted as was desperate for a couple of hours by myself. THey were much better as they got older and by 3.5 would skip into nursery happily.

Honestly I’d just try not hanging around. Drop them off, say “love you, have fun, see you at home time”, big smile and go.

They are still very little. In a year they may be more ready for pre-school. On the other hand, it is only November so they haven't been there very long, they may settle down.

My goodness you are a glutton for punishment being pregnant again. Congratulations.

With my DS's nursery, I stayed the first day for an hour, but after that, it's a quick "bye!" at the gate and I'm off.

He's 3 this month, so similar lockdown issues.
He also only does a few sessions a week.

Day 1 he cried and had to be carried in by his teacher.

Day 2 he slowly walked in.

Day 3 he walked in more confidently!

I think you staying isn't helping, as they'll get used to you being there. You need to bite the bullet and just drop them off.

It’s almost December. Thats not teething problems but months of them not being happy. They clearly don’t like it. i wouldn’t send them anymore.

My twins also didn’t settle. Six months later it was very different. My eldest walked in at the same age and didn’t even say goodbye. They’re all different and unless you absolutely need them to be there I wouldn’t force it.
A new baby will be unsettling too. Perhaps just leave it for now.

This. Don't allow anything else to be an option. A few days in they'll get on with it. Drop off. Hug and bye. The staff are trained to deal with it.

@Chocoholic900 I'm going to try the quick drop off at the door this week and see how it goes. Hopefully this works better because me sticking around doesn't seem to help at all.

I have thought of ditching pre school but then I'm worried that we'll have the same problem when it comes to primary school. They'll be older then and much more used to being home so it'll be just as hard to get them settled in primary school.

The problem with changing preschools is the waiting lists in our area. I had to put the twins on a waiting list soon after they were born, same with the oldest. The waiting lists are crazy.

@Sarahcoggles I'm a stay at home mother at the moment so they don't need to attend preschool. It's more for their sake that I want them to start so that they get the same social skills, etc as their sister. She loves school and thrives in there and I know they would too if they gave it a chance.

@bloodyeverlastinghell Same as mine. They have seperation anxiety when not with me or their dad. I just don't want them to miss out on the experience of preschool when I know that they would really enjoy it if they gave it a chance. I'm hoping as they get a bit older then it will be easier to get them settled.

@urbanbuddha I'm going to do that this week and fingers crossed it will work. Me sticking around hasn't worked because I think they've realised that once they start with the tantrums then they'll get to come home. I think I have to not be around for them to give it a shot.

@LBFseBrom The problem is too that they only have two days a week and a week between the days. They haven't got a chance of settling because even if I did get them in and stay in then its a whole week before they go back again. The preschool overbooked this year so they weren't able to offer 5 days a week.

@Got2besoon I'm wondering if I need to be more firm with the staff. Even when I do leave, I wait in the car outside but they only leave it 10-15 mins before they come out to say that they're crying and won't settle. I don't think they're leaving them long enough to cry it out for a bit and see if they settle then. An occassional time I've went home but get a phone call within a few minutes to come back.

@Opine We tried for a couple of months and then left it for a month to give them a break. When they tried again there was a bit of progress - where they wouldn't go in the door without crying before they are now going in, getting settled at the tables and playing with the toys, but only when I'm there. It's like it's taking them a long time to adjust and they're making a little bit of progress each time. It's more the me leaving that upsets them so I stay for about half an hour and then go out to my car. The staff only leave it about 10-15 mins before coming to get me to say they're still crying and try again another day.

I don't want to force them to do anything they don't want to or like, I just know that they would really enjoy it if they gave it a chance. I know after a few days, they'd get into a routine and they'd be happy to be there with their older sister, and that's the only reason that I want to persevere and try and get them to give it a shot.

@Feetache I'm going to do that this week and see how it goes. Me sticking around doesn't help because they know all they have to do is cause a ruckus and I'll bring them home.

My only concern is the staff only leave it 10-15 mins before coming out to get me or calling me to come back. They don't give them long enough to cry it out for a bit and then see if they settle. The first full day would be hard and they probably would be teary for most of it but I do think that if we all persevered and didn't give in to them then they'd give it a chance.

Oh gosh, that is so stressful for you OP.

We were warned we could get a phone call on day one if he really wasn't settling but thankfully that didn't happen.

To be fair, you'd assume nursery knows what they're doing but maybe they need to bite the bullet and just keep them until they settle. Is there a quiet room where they can go if upset? Our nursery has this and it's just a small room with toys that kids can go if a little overwhelmed when parents leave. Then they come and join the others.

My DT did this. Very unhappy and would just keep each other going. I didn't actually need the childcare so, against the advice of practically everyone I knew who said I shouldn't give in to them, I kept them at home until they started school. Definitely the right decision - they settled in to school immediately and never looked back.

@Got2besoon We were so naiive on the first day, dropped off and came straight home. We got a call about 10 mins later that they weren't settling. One of the teachers had taken them outside to the play area with their older sister and when we arrived they were teary but not in full tantrum. I think they would have settled that day if they had been given the chance to, they didn't give them long enough to get used to it. Every day since has been the same, they give it the bare 10-15 mins and then call to come pick them up.

They don't have a quiet room but they do have a kind of hall before going into the classroom that they could be taken into as it's quiet and away from the others until they settle. They also have an enclosed outdoor play area that could be used to seperate them and quiet. They don't seem to use these though. They seem to just let them cry for the 10 mins and then call to collect.

I think the real problem is the staff themselves not giving them the time to settle and I don't want to come across as one of those parents that tells them how to do their job but want to say it in a nice way that they need to give them a better chance and more time.

@user1474315215 I genuinely would do this if I thought that it wouldn't be the same problem trying to get them into primary school. I'm just very worried that if they don't give preschool the chance that I'd have the same trouble trying to get them into proper school. They can be two very stubborn girls when they want to be 😂 I don't need the preschool as childcare either but I would like them to try for their own sake as I've seen how much it has helped my oldest daughter with her confidence and happiness. She's so excited coming home with all of the things she's made, or telling me the stories or songs they learned, and she's made friends that she has regular play dates with. I'd love the same for the twins.

• DD's old preschool have a strict minimum of three days a week. Any less than that and the kids have problems settling, they say. I really rate this preschool. Might be something to think about,
• We saw an enormous difference in our DD between 2 - when I don't think she would have settled well- and 3, when she breezed in and never looked back
• Have always found with her that if I linger, she gets clingier. So I drop and run. We started her at preschool during a lockdown so that was all we could do and although it seemed harsh at the time I actually think it made it easier. I never even set foot inside that place! The black and whiteness of it seemed to help. Might be worth trying a more brisk, clearer approach so they can't expect you will be there even for a minute or two.

Can you leave - and actually go home / do the shopping etc. be unavailable for at least an hour. Give them longer to settle.
Sounds a bit like the nursery know that you will take them home if they don't settle quickly.

If they don't settle after an hour or so then take them home?

Are they boys/girls/one of each?

We have kids that have struggled to settle at preschool. It's always the kids of the parents that make a drama around leaving that take longer to settle. I would say to the staff that you won't come back before they've been there an hour. Cheery goodbye, reassure you'll be back for them and go.

The preschool should be able to distract them enough in that time to get them to calm down and join in. If they can't then I'd look at changing setting because being able to reassure and comfort a child is a key childcare ability. I've never seen a child be distraught all day - 20 minutes max

@Miriam101 Here in Ireland, all kids are entitled to the 5 days per week as per the ECCE system. It was the actual preschool themselves that overbooked the last couple of years and couldn't offer the 5 days for all children. My oldest had 3 days her first year and has the 5 days this year. The twins were supposed to get 3 days also but they seriously overbooked this year and could only be given 2 days. I was very disappointed with this because I was expecting at least 3. 2 days is not enough to get them settled and their days are Thursday and Friday which means there's always a week between going so there's no structure. I also find that scheduled days off on the calendar mostly seem to fall on a Friday so they lose a day in this way too.

They're 3 at the beginning of December so maybe January may be a different story when they go from 2 to 3, that aging up may help them. Fingers crossed.

My oldest was in during restrictions so I had never been inside with her and she settled very quickly. She was a little upset the first day but still went in and within a few minutes she was fine. Never had another problem with her so this approach may have to be taken with the twins. I'll need to speak with the teachers that I'm doing this and that they need to give them a longer settling time as 10 or 15 mins is not enough time to allow them to calm down and settle.