Early Years Support/problems with nursery

[sleepymum12]

I have a 4 (almost 5) year old attending nursery and is currently in his deferred year. (Nursery is part of primary school) He has a speech delay and used to have difficulty with his social skills, especially after lockdown, but he has come on leaps and bounds this year.

The issue I am having is that every day I pick him up from nursery, they have something negative to say and it's beginning to seem over the top.

'He was uncooperative today, he is the oldest here, old enough to know better'

Well if he knew better I would have sent him to school this year, so holding him to that standard makes a deferral seem pointless...?

'He refused to eat the second half of his lunch today and ended up hiding under the table'

I can only assume he was being pressured to keep eating, which isn't something we like to do as he can be picky and we don't want to give him issues around food.

'We were asking him to do things and he said no'

Now just want this noted, I do tell him off for these things, and make a big deal of him having to listen to staff and do what he's told, but a lot of the complaints seem just silly to me.

This has come to a head because now the keyworker wants to call in the headteacher, health worker, an Early Years Support Worker, his speech therapist and me for a meeting 'on how to support him better', citing issues like those above and the fact that he does not socialise enough with the other children.
When pressed on what this support would entail, I got a lot of vague answers about accessing support and getting advice on how we handle these 'behaviours.'

I'm at a loss because everywhere I take him out and about he behaves very well, I think even if he is doing these things, the behaviours they mention just seem like typical behaviours for children his age?? We can take him on public transport, to restaurants, soft plays, church, all kinds of places, and he behaves very well, his grandparents/aunties babysit and say he was no bother at all, but he goes to nursery and they suddenly think he's so badly behaved?

My sister in law is qualified in Early Years Development and used to work in childcare and thinks they are being v.dramatic, she wouldn't have felt the need to inform the parents every time a child in her care did these things because they are so minor. One complaint was that he knocked over another childs block tower.

His speech therapist says his speech is now nearly at the level it should be, and thinks he is good at socialising one on one but tends to back away from larger groups to play alone, which is common enough in her eyes. She has observed him playing with other children at the nursery when she visits. The nursery staff have never really told me that, they seem to just keep telling me he plays alone.

Does anyone have any advice on

A) does his behaviour just seem like normal kid stuff, if a little immature?

B) what are they trying to achieve with this meeting?

C) if there was any real issues, surely the speech therapist would be picking up on it? She seems more qualified, this keyworker has only been working in childcare for 2 years, and worked in hospitality previous to that. (Nothing wrong with that, just comparing qualifications/experience)

I am actually worried they are trying to label him as having ADHD or something, which would be fine if I thought for a minute he had, but as far as I can see he is just a little immature and needs this extra year to catch up/improve his speech. I don't want him to have an inaccurate label that might end up holding him back.

Don't know if it's relevant, but academically he has no issues, knows all his colours, numbers, letters, and has amazing word recognition, can pick out and identify roughly 100 words with no teaching from us apart from reading to him. The only reason to delay him starting school was to allow him time to improve his speech and social skills.

I’m a Nursery teacher (can’t sleep so will be very tired today!😄) Hard to know without knowing your child as it does sound heavy handed, however, we have children who eat little at lunch and none of them have ended up under the table. Was he scared? Does he do that at home?
Its hard because as parents we can explain away our children’s behaviour whereas it will stand out when compared to children of the same age.
What’s his behaviour like at home? The eating I’d tread carefully if I were them. However you say he’s uncooperative and says no often but you call it silly to complain about this but a child who won’t engage can be difficult to manage in the classroom dependent on how high his needs are.

I would attend the meeting and see what support they’re willing to offer.

Childminder here! I'd say definitely attend the meeting as if support is needed then it's good to get a head start. Parents always worry that their child will be labelled - it's not necessarily true. Children are regularly assessed at school and if seen not to require extra help after all then they are taken off the list. Waiting lists for assessments with paediatricians are soooo long post covid so early intervention is best. They will want to know how he is at home so they can work with you and stay consistent.

However you are completely right that the staff at the end of the day seem to be caught up in negative comments. When I have a child like this I try to focus on positives first and then if there are issues call a specific meeting. I no longer work in group settings because a couple (most definitely the minority) of staff seem to get annoyed at children for being children. Remember it's the end of the day for them too and they are probably tired. I'd actually say 'was there anything good he did today' and that might make them understand that constant negativity won't help anyone. They do need to focus on the child's strengths, and how to make the day educationally and socially profitable for him.

To answer question C. Speech therapists are great at what they do. I've seen how their work has really improved children's communicative abilities in a short space of time. However in my experience they often miss behavioural signs. They are not meant to diagnose autism, adhd etc that should be left to a paediatric doctor - they work on speech. I questioned a parent's private speech therapist on certain issues and was proven right in the end by doctors and later school SEN staff. Speech therapists most likely see children one to one. Your nursery staff have lots more experience seeing children interact together in a group. Please don't discount their views.

Thank you for your responses! I suppose I wasn't clear enough, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that he isn't uncooperative at home like this, and he doesn't go under the table like that. It just doesn't sit well with me somehow, like if I am picking up on how negative they are all they time, maybe my son is too....maybe it's beginning to affect his behaviour. I don't want to be in a situation where I'm not advocating for him when he needs it too....

Could you ask for a different key worker? Your current key worker seems to have a negative feeling towards your son. So maybe it's time for a change of that's possible.

I would ask more about the agenda for the meeting since it seems vague at the moment. Then you can go in prepared as to what it is you want to happen going forwards.

My son didn't like the food at nursery so we switched to taking a packed lunch since I could then make sure it was food he likes. Are you able to take a packed lunch unless that's what you are doing already?

My son rarely eats all of the food. He eats what he wants and then says he is finished. It sounds like they are trying to make him eat more than he wants. Which I agree with you isn't what should happen. If he is full then that's it.

My son has some difficulty with his hearing. So you sometimes think he is ignoring instructions when infact he just hasn't heard them. It might be worth asking for a hearing test if you think this might be a cause, or even just to rule it out.

Even if my son has heard the instructions he might just not want to do as he is asked. Think this comes with age and just trying to stamp their independence. Not much advice for this other than to just keep saying at school we need to listen and do as we are asked.