Advice please. 4 year old very nervous and not wanting to go to school in Sept.

[Fucshiaflipflops]

Posted in another section few weeks ago as my daughter suddenly started refusing to go nursery, becoming very worked up and crying uncontrollably. Was ill for a bit with cold and chest infection but then hasn’t gone back. I said in previous posting that I was keeping nursery going in august to help with transition to Reception. We’ve now stopped nursery as she’s becoming very upset and won’t leave the house in the mornings.

I’ve been trying to talk about Reception everyday and walk past the school. I know this is a big change for quite a lot of 4 year olds and I’m not the only one going through this. My friends kids can’t wait to start school!

Any advice please?? I’m really worried that one September supposing I can’t get her to leave the house? (I’m not being dramatic) she screams and cries, rolls about on floor.
I’m trying to make the remainder of summer holidays fun but I’m worrying and hearing daughter repeatedly saying she doesn’t want to go to school is difficult.

Please before anyone says to me, you’re the mother and she’s 4, it’s really upsetting. She loved nursery and then suddenly didn’t anymore.

Thanks

Do you know anyone going to the same school? I would make it a priority to find people and arrange playdates - eg lunch with parents and children at local pizza place, or you going to their house and having a glass of wine with the parents while your daughter plays with their child.

Are you nervous about her starting school? I really notice that the children who get jumpy about things like this often catch it from their parents.

The school will be well used to nervous children so don't worry about that, but to make the next few weeks more bearable for both of you, I'd work really hard to establish a friend or two who'll be going with her.

She will now be picking up from you that there's something to worry about which may be making it worse.
Look out on local FB groups as I've seen a few meetups being arranged for new starters to meet each other.
You need to start being positive about school, (even if you are worried), talk about the fun things she'll do etc but don't make it the focus of your holidays. Allowing her not to concentrate too much about it might help.

@Darkchocolateandcoffee
@Takingabreakagain
Thank you both for your replies.
Yes, she will know a few children going. Her closest friend (known since 2) is going and 4 children from her nursery.
I’m not sure what’s happened, in June she was so happy and excited about nursery and school. Then it all changed.
I’m trying to remain as positive as I can for her, I was talking about starting school each day, nothing too heavy just casually drop in conversation and about uniforms and seeing her friends. Now I’ve stopped talking about school and just letting her enjoy the holidays but she’s raising the topic and is very upset.

She turned 4 in June, she had a difficult start with settling in at nursery then she settled and absolutely loved going! Her confidence soared. She was so happy.

A friend suggested maybe thinking about a January start, but I’m not sure about this. It could just be nerves and now with finishing at nursery (they talked about school a lot her last couple of weeks there). And then starting school, it is a lot for a little person to take on board.

Thanks again. I’ll remain positive and we will do lots of fun activities over next few weeks!

I think that some people inadvertently put a lot of pressure on kids who are about to start to Reception. They discuss it too often and use phrases like Big School which sounds scarier than just calling it school or pretending it's nursery for 4 year olds. I doing that your dd is the only one feeling nerves right now.

One of my kids is an adult with this kind of personality. When he had exams like A-levels he would flip if I wished him good luck on the day as he saw it as pressure. He is happy and calm to talk about it afterwards though.

Once she's used to school and experienced and learned all of the unknowns like where the toilets are she will hopefully be fine but I know that's little comfort when there's almost a month until English schools go back

Cbeebies did a series following new school starters a few years ago. Maybe worth checking out?

Could there have been a child there that was hurting her ? Another child at my dc's setting would cry not wanting to go in as another child was hurting her whilst playing.

@WaltzingTilda, I did think of this also. I asked my daughter and she said some of the boys play rough with her which she’s not keen on. She did say a few times she’s scared to go to nursery, when I asked her keyworker, I was told some of the children are a bit full on. But they keep saying nothings changed at nursery, but I get the feeling there is more.

@mogtheexcellent, ahh yes! I remember watching something last year with my daughter. I’ll keep an eye it, I’m guessing they’ll be showing again.

I’m going to continue with not discussing school for a week or so. And focus on other things. We have plans to meet up with 2 sets of friends this week.

I can see she’s worrying about it.

Thank you for all your support and advice, I appreciate it.

cant see the programme (called time for school). I found this game though if you DC likes games

my first day game

also this page may be useful cbeebies school page

tell a lie - it was hidden time for school

Can you delay her school start? It really doesn't sound like she's ready. DS is the same (albeit a month younger) and we've recently applied for and been granted delayed entry to Reception.

Stop talking about it! A month is a very long time in a 4 yr old's life. Take the pressure off. Enjoy the Summer. Tell her teacher at the home visit that she is anxious and trust them to make a plan and work with you. She will be OK. And I say this as a mum to an extremely anxious DS (the school told me they'd never had such an anxious child) and is now a strapping confident 17 yr old.

Try some nice positive bedtime story

www.amazon.co.uk/Absolutely-Small-School-Charlie-Lola/dp/1846168856?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

But don't start yet!

I asked my 9yo what he'd say to a 4yo who's scared about starting reception. He said "it's basically the same thing as nursery." I remember when my older 2 started P1 in Scotland, they had a half day in the holidays, where they just went in and played and coloured. I wish all schools did that.

Why not wait until she is 5 ?

@HavelockVetinari, @SpeckledyHen
My friend suggested delaying the September start until January. I was unsure about this, but today I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit. I don’t think she is ready for September from what I’ve seen. Or maybe wait until she’s five.
But then like other posters have said there are still a few weeks until September, she might be a bit more settled. It could be all the talk by nursery and me.
@fairyhouse, I don’t think there is a home visit, nothing has been mentioned. We’ve been given a meet the teacher date and time but not sure if that’s individual appointments.
@TheLovelinessOfDemons, there was a 45 minute stay and play session at 4pm a few weeks back but unfortunately my daughter had a really bad chest infection so couldn’t attend. She was actually upset about that.

It a lot to think about. I will see how the next few days go. If I need to apply for delayed start, it’s probably best to do so sooner rather than later.

If we did go down this route, I’m not sure about how she would feel returning to nursery. It’s obvious something has taken place.

This coming week we will just focus on fun activities and get out and about.

If you can afford an extra year of childcare (although if you both work you'll get school hours/term time for free) then I'd definitely delay starting school. If you delay till January she'll already be a whole term behind her peers, and studies have consistently shown that being summer-born leads to disadvantage all through education up to university.

@HavelockVetinari I’m a stay at home mum, I have a little one too.
I’m going to speak with health visitor and contact council. I was hoping to speak with someone from the school but obviously that can’t happen right now.

Now having spoken to a couple of their people, they wished they had deferred their children (summer babies) as they had difficulties in year 1.

What I’m worried about my daughter is refusing to go back to nursery. I know I can look for a different place as I feel even a couple days per week would really help, but I still feel questions have been left unanswered. If she is deferred I don’t want her to miss out on playing and socialising with others.

@FucshiaflipflopsI know this is a few years old but I’d love to know what you ended up doing and how your daughter settled? I’m having the exact same problem and this thread came up on a search. Thank you!

@Fucshiaflipflops update pls

@AtLeastThreeDrinks goung through this too, has anything worked for you ?

Sorry for late reply. I went through with my eldest (daughter) and more recently my youngest in reception. It took a couple months or so, but every child is different. Speak with staff and hopefully they will offer strategies; bringing in a favourite toy from home, something of yours to keep on them, play putty to encourage them to go into play area/class room.
Hang in there, it does get easier.

Oh hun, I completely get this! My little one went through similar and it's so stressful when they suddenly refuse to leave the house 😔 Try taking all the pressure off for now - no school talk, no walking past for a week or two. Sometimes they dig their heels in more when they feel pushed.

I know that Twinkl has school readiness support, it has some lovely gentle activities that might help make school feel more fun and familiar when she's ready for it. https://www.twinkl.co.uk/readysetschool
Also definitely contact her new teacher - they've seen this loads and are brilliant at helping anxious little ones settle.

You're doing great mama, and September might surprise you - sometimes the actual day is easier than all the build up! The fact she loved nursery before shows she can do it ❤️

Hang in there! xx