Nursery - other children being mean to DS

[ksld]

Dropping DS (3.3) at Nursery this morning some of the children were playing in the yard while the parents waited in doors - DS is a bit shy so I started talking to the other children to help him play. Once I moved away one of the other boys started dancing around DS shouting 'We don't like you we don't like you'. Said this 10 or more times trying to get other boys to join in. While no one else did my DS was nearly in tears and I didn't know what to say???
Told him lots of the other boys and girls liked him and just to ignore it - but not sure if I should do more or just forget it?
Know the Mum to smile at but nothing more.
Should I talk to the Nursery, the other Mum? or am I over-reacting completely?

Firstly, little children can be mean but they also don't really know how thir words can be so upsetting to us parents . If it happens again and your ds is upset I'd have a quiet word with his keyworker. This other boy may be a known "character" to her who is going through a phase of trying to be in charge/top dog. I remember feeling like you do with both my dd and ds at Nursery stage. It's normally a slightly older child who's building up their friendship group. It's a shame the other boy's mum didn't hear so she could tell him he was being unkind.

I second what FransanDisco said. I manage a nursery and this is unfortunately a stage some children go through at this age. I would mention it to his key worker. In our nursery we have a friendship tree and the children get a leaf for doing something kind for others, it helps to introduce the children to the idea of what being a friend is. We also have a persona doll (large puppet but could use any doll). We introduced it as a member of the group and once established 'she-jenny' shares stories of her experience with the children (she talks in the ear of the adult no silly voices!) and can discuss this sort of thing....oh jenny told another child said they didn't like her, how do you think she feels? It just helps children to start to understand that words can hurt. Perhaps if it persists suggest this to your nursery.

Thanks for the advice. FSD - the boys Dad heard but ignored it.
Just picked DS up and he has been in tears once and quiet most of the session. Mentioned what happened outside this am and they just nodded and said they had looked after him a bit more today than they usually needed to.
Should I just leave it now or approach the other Mum, talk to Nursery again? Feel I am making a big deal of this after hating school myself and being bullied a lot, but also want to nip it in the bud as quickly as I can if that makes sense.

Hi sorry for not getting back but was out. Does your ds have a keyworker you could speak to. She would be the person responsible for doing observations on him for his file and in a good position to see how he is doing socially. Did they say why he was crying? Did something trigger it or was he just clingy all session? I would ask how he is mixing with the other children and if he has made any alliances. It could be he is at the standing on the edge looking in stage but not quite ready to join in. You can raise this in an interested rather than concerned way. In the meantime give you ds loads of praise and tell him he is a lovely boy who will have lots of friends because he is kind. Some children who say these mean things have had them said to them and are repeating it. It's a shame Dad didn't pick up on it but it could be he wasn't listening or he's an idiot who thinks his son is a Mr Popular so that's all that matters. Give your ds a hug as you tuck him in tonight and see how the next session goes for him

Thanks FSD - I know I am stewing on this with no real reason as DS seems OK this afternoon and has not mentioned it at all. The nursery have said he is mixing well and they have had no problems with him. He has one special friend and a few others he mentions sometimes. This other little boy seems to know a lot of the other children (we have just moved here so I don't know anyone to introduce DS too if yswim) and he is a very confident little boy unlike my shy DS.
I think the nursery were very nice and kind to DS today looking after him, but seem to overestimate how much he will actually talk to them - they were surprised he had not said what the problem was, but I don't think he could explain in his own words, and even if he could is unlikely to talk to the teachers (he won't ask for a drink or help cutting etc)
Part of me knows that I am helping make him shy by being shy too and I suppose I wish I had spoken up to the Dad this am instead of rushing off feeling upset. So don't feel I have handled it very well which is why I am still fussing.

Please don't think you are reacting any differently to most other mums. It is horrible to hear another child saying something nasty because as adults we have been taught (hopefully) not to. As you say your DS is ok this afternoon so hopefully he will have forgotten (whereas we stew ). Next time this boy says something like today just say "oh I think it's nice to be friends with everyone" in a light breezy tone or "I think it's nice to be kind to all our friends at nursery". Inside you might want to say "what a rude child you are" . At the end of the day if his dad doesn't see what he is doing as wrong then the child will probably continue unchallenged unless of course it's a phase that will pass. You just continue as you are raising a sociable and likeable little boy. Perhaps arrange a play date with your ds's pal(s) at Nursery along with pal's mum and concentrate on building his social skills with the children he likes. Good luck

The other boy has been telling DS he can't play with certain toys 'because we don't like you' the last few sessions at Nursery. Yesterday the teacher told me my DS had taken to pushing and shoving the other boy. Obviously they are taking this much more seriously, so now my DS is in trouble.

I don't know what to say to him. How can I help him manage his own feelings so he doesn't hit out? He is not articulate enough yet to say anything to the other boy. He is too shy to tell the teacher his feelings are hurt. He is just reacting by pushing.

I have approached the other parents as don't want them to think DS is bullying their son, but they don't seem to think what he is saying to my DS is a problem.

Any advice please?

You need to explain to the nursery that your son is being goaded, and tell them you expect them to step in BEFORE he is goaded to violence.

Bullying is unacceptable, both physical and verbal.

I know you might find it difficult to do, but in that setting with that kind of behaviour I would put on my scary bossy voice and say, 'XXX you will stop saying such horrid things right now - you are upsetting YYY and that is not nice!'

Smile sweetly at the Dad and say - oh children are so awful aren't they, if they are allowed to get away with it!

You son is not old enough or too shy to stand up for himself - therefore for the time being you need to do it for him, so that he understands that accepting this kind of behaviour towards him is not okay!

ksid you've had lots of good advice here although I think even I would be scared of soapbox and wouldn't recommend that approach.

This used to happed to my DD by a neighbour and one say when she was saying the usual "I don't like you" I asked her why and she was flummoxed and did'nt know what to say. TBH once she stopped to think about why she could see hereself it was silly even though she was only 4 and guess what, she stopped doing it after that!! Even I was amazed.

If you hear him saying it again you could say nicely "oh dear, did (my son) do something unkind to you then? It just might work. Or try to get your son to say it to him in case in happens when your not there.

Personally, I never confront other parents about their DCs behavior UNLESS it is physical so try a couple of different approaches if the first one doesn't work.