Someone took DS's bottle away and wouldn't call me when he was crying

[flightattendant]

Ok, Ds is only just four and he does have one thing which we would never take away...his bottle. (dummy occasionally but bottle is his best friend in the world...)

He's just had a few days off with birth of new brother...something he found very hard to cope with...and went back today with a few tears.

They now as I've always told them, ring me if he wants you to, even just to say hello, if it helps him feel Ok. (he had trouble settling in in January but is mainly fine now).

Anyway today he cried for about half an hour, and asked them to phone mummy, but they refused. I can see their point, trying to just help him adjust...but what upsets me is that I promised HIM that he could ask them to call me, and I'd come and get him...they broke my promise to him and I feel I've broken his trust.

Secondly, some woman decided he was too big for his bottle, and took it away for the whole morning...they KNOW he has it and even while he was crying, he wasn't allowed it today.
This I find unacceptable. He told me afterwards what had happened and it made me so upset. His life is very hard at the moment and he's doing really well but didn't need that sort of cr*p today of all days...how dare they take it on themselves to decide whether he has it or not? I think it was the new woman who might not realise, but surely someone should have stepped in and given it back...how will he ever learn to trust adults if they behave like that?

I know some people will think he IS too old for it, but that isn't the point...they wouldn't remove a comfort blanket would they? Especially if it was previously agreed with the parent that he was to have it?

I don't know what to do. I just want them to respect his needs a bit, especially when we've discussed these things in advance.

How many staff are ther?
If they let one child ring their Mum whenever tehy like what about the other children. They would spend all morning letting kids speak to their Mums on the phone.
You should not have made a promise if it is down to the staff to have to fulfill it.
I think yo are being unreasonable to expect the staff to let him phone you when he wants to.
Annd sorry a bottle at 4, will you expect him to be allowed to take it to school?

FA - the poor little mite has enough changes to cope with right now... you're quite right that he should be allowed his bottle if he has always had it, and he should be allowed to ring you if that is what he has always been told to expect.

Give him a big hug from all his mn aunties

Thankyous all,

DD, there are about 5 staff and to be fair, they have always let him have 'bockle' as it was better than have him cry all morning...it's just this one person who is quite new, I think it must have been her anyway. I'm in a state tonight anyway so it probably affects me more than it should...

Yes I know four is old for a bottle, it's just this week of all weeks it's too much to suddenly change the rules on him IMO.

I don't expect them always to allow phone calls...it has only ever been once, right at the start, and he hasn't needed to ring me since...but they know I tell him this, and they comply when I say it, knowing it'll help him to feel safe and not be upset. So I think they have a duty to fulfil that promise or tell me it's not Ok to make it in the first place, IIRC it was their idea!

I think it's just been a bit of a misunderstanding, obviously they do their best but with a class full of kids they can't be pernickety about every whim...just I thought they might be more sensitive this week with DS struggling a bit already.

No, he won't be taking it to school and he does have cups too. Just it's a comfort thing...

BTW it's not private.

Sorry I thought he was ringing you every time he is upset.
Now I have a clearer picture it does seem they have been harsh with him today.
I cannot preach a bout comforters as my two had dummies untill 3

Probably true, I just want to be there to protect him all the time atm, and can't...I can see how it happened but just feel unsure I should keep sending him when he's liable to feel like he's been let down/ mummy is really unreliable/ he's all alone iyswim.

I think it might be too much to ask of them and therefore, should I let him stay home for the rest of the term? He keeps saying he doesn't want to go. I thought a bit of normality would be good with new baby arriving, but maybe he'll be happier at home after all?

What do you think?

tough one.

On the one hand, you don't want him to think that the new baby is pushing him out, but then again, you don't want him to think that he can say "don't wanna go" and you'll let him stay home from school, college, university, work... whatever.

Wonder if there is a compromise? Maybe let him stay off tomorrow and Friday, but tell him he has to go in next week and till the end of term?

I don't think you should stop him altogehter t gives him the wrong message, that if he makes enough fuss he will eventually get his own way.
I am surprised he is still so unsetteld after going to nursery so long.
Does he go to school in September?

you said in your OP that he's "mainly fine now". I wouldn't take him out. Most children kick up a bit when a new sibling is born (god knows we had a nightmare with ds1 both times) but they settle down pretty quickly. I think that some of their own space is good for a child; even at 4. UNless you're planning to home ed, school will be a big shock if he's never away from you in the run up.

I know, it's difficult to judge what's long term in his best interests.

He's been settled pretty well since about February, it's just the last week when I had DS2 and was unable to be much use, he was quite unsettled by all that. (I think hat's natural).

Might have a word with the lady in charge and ask if he can still have bottle, if they can be a bit gentle with him etc. I suspect taking him out of it completely might do more harm, as he does have a life there...little friends etc. and stuff to do. It's helped him socially no end.

Was thinking of home ed-ding, actually, only because I hated school...but seeing the way teachers can do this kind of thing makes it seem an attractive proposal!

don't forget as well, that you have just had a baby - and I suspect that you need him to be in nursery so that you can have a bit of rest.

The more I think about it, the more I think you should send him, but give him loads of extra hugs.

Has something like this happened before? Or am I having de-ja-vu!? If so maybe you should consider having a word with the teacher about your preferences for your son and if they are able to accomodate them, then ensuring they pass the information on to all the staff.

Gosh you're right! It was the dummy last time. I'd forgotten. Think it was the same woman.
I'm rubbish at this, it's like when I buy the same skirt twice and find I've got one already and never worn it...must search my own threads more often...oops

The other thread descended into a fight about dummies as an issue all by itself and never really got resolved, I can't believe I forgot about it!!!

Will definitely apeak to them.

Do you think they may have been trying to prepare him a little for starting school in a couple of months time - where he won't be allowed to ring you, and where he won't be able to take his bottle?

Not excusing their actions or the fact that they went against your wishes, but it may be that they're trying in a ham-fisted sort of way to help him.

I wouldn't take him out of nursery - it will make starting school even harder for him.

Yeah, I think probably they think they are being helpful. Oh well, will just have a word. And lots of cuddles for boy

When I had my second baby my sensitivity towards DD1 grew overnight. She seemed so big in yet so suddenly vulnerable overnight. I was aware that I had rocked her little world. She'd not long started Pre-school and my DH was taking her in the week I had the baby and she was upset about going in.

I resorted to giving her a little treat after Pre-school had finished each day. It helped and she went back to enjoying going in to Pre-school.

I think we got rid of her dummies a month or two after DD2 was born but she'd only been using them at night-time. It might be worth trying to get your son off his comfort item this summer before he starts school. I know at DDs Pre-school some of the girls have comfort blankets and the staff work together with the parents to try and ease them out it gently.

Ekra, that sounds just like me...it's hard not to be overprotective at a time like this isn't it?

I think you're right, need to get him used to life without bottle, at least before September...I think he'd have a hard time otherwise

Thanks again for all your advice everyone xx