she cries when I leave and cries when I pick her up!!!

[banoffee]

My DD started pre school 4 weeks ago only for one morning a week.
I don't work but am 33 weeks pregnant and thought that if she started before I gave birth it might be a little easier as she wouldn't see me go back home with her sibling.
She enjoyed her first session so much that someone commented on how much she joined in and how much fun she had for a "first timer".

The second session was another cup of tea.
The school phone me up after half an hour and I had to take her home.

The third session she seemed absolutely fine until I had to leave and then she settled and cried at intervals but was a bit teary when I picked her up and burst into tears as she saw me.

And today (fourth session) she cried as I left again, but I handed her over directly to the teacher, phoned an hour later and was told she was fine. But when I picked her up the woman warned me: "she's been fine but has just started now!".
It breaks my heart to see her cry when I pick her up because it makes me believe that she is not happy there and that she has been crying all along.

Before and after going she tells me she enjoys it and that she's going back next week and that this time she won't cry (bless), she also says that the ladies are nice and she seems really happy when she talks about it, only when we go there and I have to leave, she starts crying.
Also today when I asked her what she did she said: "I read books with the lady" and I said: "what else?" she replied: "I didn't play with the playdough, I didn't play with the lego, and I didn't draw pictures. I didn't do anything".
That really made me sad but she was saying it with a smile on her face.

Sorry didn't mean to post that message just yet, just meant to preview it.
By the way DD is 2 and a half.
I wonder if I should try another school or remove her altogether? Or shall I wait a bit more as it's early days?
I just feel like I'm forcing her to go and it's not really a necessity as I could look after her myself.
Thanks in advance for any advice.

I think just carry on, it will improve over time I'm sure. My dd1 used to cry every time I left her for the first few weeks of playgroup but it passed.

I also find that even now, if I ask what she does she will say 'not anything', which is blatantly not true but she either forgets or just doesn't feel like telling me. I also find she tells me she doesn't play with anyone, which made me feel bad as I worried she was lonely, but I spoke to the playgroup and they named some specific children she had been playing with. She remembers things she DIDN'T play with but there were probably lots of other things she DID play with, or even if she just milled around looking and experiencing what it going on around her, at 2.5 maybe that's enough.

It is heartbreaking though I agree.

I've just started dd at preschool too, it's bee about 4 weeks, she's 2 1/2.

I think you may find she's trying to get you to change what you're doing, little monkeys are very good at emotional blackmail.

Have you thought about sending her more often? My preschool said they always advise 2 sessions a week to start with as they settle in more quickly as there's less time in between sessions and they don't forget the routine etc.

My dd was fine the first session then ok for the next one then on the 3rd go the lip dropped and she did not want to let go. One of the ladies saw my 'please help me' look and came and got her, said she'd call me in half an hour to let me know how she was. I didn't get a call which I took as a good sign. When I went back they said she'd been fine and they don't remember her asking for me or to go home!!

I get the impression that they call you if they are really upset but that normally a cuddle from one of them is all they need.

btw i'm 32 weeks pg and wanted to get her in too before baby arrives!!!

Thank you Eddas! It's lovely to speak to someone in the same situation (the fact that you're 32 weeks pg with a 2 1/2 year old).
Yeah, I've realised that she doesn't just do that at school now but with her nanny as well.
She's not very well at the moment and teething and she wants me ALL THE TIME.
It's extremely trying, and I've noticed that she starts winging the minute she sees me.
She was happy playing with her dad yesterday, and when I came back from shopping she started crying and "tantruming". Admitedly she asked to go to bed as she was exhausted, but she was fine with her dad.
I've been advised by friends to persevere otherwise I might confuse her. But I'm really not prepared to send her twice a week. It's too much (in my eyes).
I will definately send her more often after the baby's born (or after her 3rd birthday as you get some sessions free). But not now.
I would feel too guilty as I don't work and I could look after her myself.

my ds did exactly this - first session - fine, second session bawled when I left him, then bawled and BAWLED when I picked him up ... took him a good 3-4 weeks (2/days week) before he settled easily. He was 2.5 when he started (with a baby sister - same reasoning as you!)

Now (term 2) he runs off to play 'run and bump' with his mates (he's nearly 3) ... but so far the only thing I have EVER heard (from him) that he's done there (other than run & bump) is have a snack. One of the helpers complimented me on his excellent phonics skills the other day - I was - had no idea he did anything other than eat & bump...

Ds used to worry me sick. he wasn't a crier, but whenever I asked him what he had done, his answer would be "Just nothing"

And when I asked him who he had played with, his answer was "I not play with anyone"

So, one day I nearly broke down on his key worker, who was shocked he had been saying such things to me, as the second he was in there he would teararse around with 3 or 4 other boys, whooshing and tumbling, and would play with bricks, sand, paints, etc....

so she wrote down for me precisely what he did, who with, and at what time one day. And when I asked him what he had done, his reply was " Just nothing, mummy"

Oh how sweet.
Thank you all for your replies, I've just left her there this morning. I wasn't sure whether to take her or not as she wasn't very well still, but I did and she cried as I left, as normal.
The lady phoned me half an hour later and said that she really wasn't settling today and that she appeared quite hot.
I had to pick her up and she did appear to have a bit of a temperature and her eyes do look very tired.
I'm not too down about the whole thing (and surprisingly I haven't cried yet, which is really good for me at the best of times, let alone when pregnant).
Should I just assume that she'll settle more quickly when she's better in herself?
No other choice really.
Someone give me strength! I'm exhausted myself but I'm not coping too badly so I'm quite proud of myself.

Hi Banoffee, could try sending her in for 2 or 3 sessions a week instead of one? It must be hard for her to feel settled there and get into the routine if she only attends once a week?

Good luck

HI banoffee, we seem to be in a really similar situation. My dd has been ill too. She should go to preschool mon and fri but i didn't take her on fri as she was so poorly, bless em.

On mon she did the i don't want to school business but I just agreed and said ok then and carried on getting ready and took her along. When we got there she gave a big grin and said SCHOOL and i'm gonna do painting!!! Little sausage! She loved it, even made a little friend who asked if she could come home with him!!!

I'd imagine when your dd feels better she'll cope more with going. Also re the how many days issue, i only work 2 days a week but send her 2 mornings(only 2 1/2 hours) and I don't feel guilty . I need time for me and being pg makes me tired and irratable.

I'm going to keep her at 2 days whilst i have to pay then in sept she can go 3 days when i get me free sessions!!! I'm a mean mummy!!!!

My DD is 3, she has been with a childminder since she was 7 months old. Childminder gave up childming at Christmas so now she is with relatives, DH (as he does shifts) and three mornings at pre-school. She loves going to all these places and does loads of arts and crafts at each place - she brings models, pictures, paintings alsorts home. I know she is very happy. When I ask her what she has done - she will say nothing! - I ask did you do painting - she replies not today, HHMMMMM - painintg in my hand. I think she just forgets what she has done.

When I get home - or arrive to pick her up - she has a personality shift - arms fold - lips purse - and she goes mute - she has always done this - I have always described it as she is punishing me for leaving her. I know she is happy - as she can not wait to go to Pre-school, nanny's and best of all staying home with Daddy - and only reacts when I collect her or arrive home. I think she gets mad with me for leaving her - but they way I deal with it is - she obviously loves me so much and loves being with me so much that it makes her mad when she realises I have left her! We do lots of things together in the evenings and weekends - and we adore each other. I also think that they get emotional when they realise you have not been there - so crying when you return is understandable. Crying when you leave (we don't have this but) is also understandable. They do grow out of it. And I genuinely think you should keep taking her to preschool because one day soon she will have to go to school and the first day will be a hell of a lot easier on her if she is used to going to places with out you! She also needs to learn to socialise with adults and cildren with out you around. My DD has come on in leaps and bounds since being at pre-school 3 mornings since last September. Kepp at it - it really is in her best interests. Stop feeling guilty - that is your feeling and your issue - put her needs first - that is getting used to you not being there and learning to cope. Better at this age then in two years time! Sounds harsh - but true!

Yeah I totally agree with everything that's been said.
I will persevere with pre school and I know she can do it and that it's just a phase.
At the moment she just wants me around, but she went through this bout of "separation anxiety" when she was about 10 months old, I remember I couldn't even leave the room without her crying.
And it seems very similar this time around.
Although health wise she's a lot better today and a lot less clingy/wingey. Not at all in fact.
But otherwise she's such a confident little girl and she talks to everyone and smiles all the time. I've seen very unsociable kids who settled in really well in the same preschool so I'm not too worried. But you can't help thinking: "what if she never settles?".
I'm not being tight or anything but if I take her twice a week it's gonna cost me twice as much as well. And at the moment I could do without.

Hi Banoffee
It wsa like reading about my Dd when I read your posting. My DD is 21/2 also and started preschool at start of term. Likewise she started off really well. Now if I tell her it is pre school day she goes really withdrawn and even asks to go back to bed! I am now tryting not telling her until it's time to get ready but she still gets anxious immediately. She refuses drinks and snacks at pre school as a control thing I think. She has at least started to verbalise her feeling this week and told me she gets cross when I have to go. She aslo tells me she has fun while there and does do stuff! I too have wondered if I am doing the right thing sending her but know she will learn to love it. It is important she has her own things to do when baby no 2 arrives in June. I think I will just continue to help her explore her emotions and hope it gets better.
Let me know if you hear any useful words of wisdom!

Tigerpaws welcome to the club! There seems to be quite a lot of people in our situation (well I suppose it's quite a usual age gap between children that's probably why.).
Well I spoke to 2 friends today who were in (almost) the same situation only their dds started pre school in september (as they are slighly older) but their mothers had just had the baby.
Which must have been even worse, and they both told me that it took over a month for one of them to settle (and they were really bad to begin with) and about 3 months for the other (as she is really clingy). Now I look at them (as I can see them from the other room where they hold the parents and toddler group which dd and I go to) and they are perfectly happy there, and play nicely (even the shyer one) and it's lovely.
That's why I think it can only get better.
This morning my dd was even clingy at toddlers which is really unlike her.
They were making valentines cards for the mums so we weren't supposed to see, and it took the leader ages to convince dd to come with her without me do make the card.
In the end I had to put my chair near them so she could go and make my card.
After she finished making the card she was so pleased with herself that it gave her even more confidence to do other things by herself (how sweet). So I think it's important not to give up as they really do feel good about themselves when they can achieve things on their own.

hi,
Just to say, you are not alone. I could have written all that was said below!
It IS hearthbreaking leaving them and they do feel that WE are a bit uneasy about leaving them. The thing with separation anxiety at this age is that our "babies" can and will blackmail us into changing our mind.
I would also suggest increasing the number of session to establish some sort of routine.
Good luck.
PS: They do engage in play and they do have fun, they just won't tell you in an attempt to make you change your mind about leaving them.
At my boy's nursery, they give us a note detailing their activities,food intake, nappy change, etc, everyday. Ask for one.

Hi, from a Nanny perspective...In my experience most children take a little time to settle into pre-school & 75% cry when Mummy drops off & picks up at least the first few sessions...Don't worry, she'll be fine...honest!