doesn't play with anyone [sad]

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Twiglett · 11/11/2006 11:18

pre-school .. so he's 3 or 4 right?

do you remember Child of Our Time .. I remember him saying that 1 in 3 children at this stage are loners

if youf child is happy there is no problem he just likes his own company .. that doesn't mean he's going to be friendless through his schooldays ..

my quiet, solemn, placid 3 year old who couldn't even jump is now a boisterous, getting into trouble year 1 5 year old

please don't worry unduly ... this is his personality for now and he is happy within it and you are proud of him and love him for it

when he wants to you can start to arrange playdates and just observe him in your home ... and you can make friends of other parents

foxinsocks · 11/11/2006 11:27

I agree with Twig.

One of mine was what they called at pre-school - 'an observer' - not really interested in playing with the other children but happy to sit back and watch the others. I would say she actively started playing with other children towards the end of reception. Even now in yr2, she is noticeably more dreamy than the other children! She is also an August baby.

If he is happy then I don't think you need to be concerned. When he starts reception (or even now) you can invite children round on a 1 to 1 basis - this seems to be better for children who are a bit hesitant in playing with others - and let his social skills develop from there.

ScummyMummy · 11/11/2006 11:32

nice post, twiglett. Really agree, oops. It's such early days and your lovely sounding boy is happy. There's plenty of time for him to get the friendship bug, honestly.

pippo · 11/11/2006 12:34

My dd now nearly 5 was exactly the same at preschool. Now she mixes pretty well and I would say she is quite sociable (when she started in reception in Sep she only knew 2 other children and seems to have made a few friends).
When she was at preschool I very much went through the same angst that you are now.
I think that there are a few issues here, firstly that it is likely that your ds will change (which might be a shame as he sounds lovely!!).
Secondly, what kind of person are you? It occured to me that although I have friends, I can be dreamy and quite self contained. Any group of people needs a mixture, there is nothing wrong with being the more quiet observant one.
Thirdly the thing about getting to know other parents and organsising play dates was a big one. When I started to think about it I realised that some of the other parents were going to extrodinairy lengths to promote their child's popularity. I got a bit braver and actually invited some children and parents round, and dd ended up with a few friends that came to play - she still sees them now even tho' they go to different schools.
Please, please don't worry - I've been there - and these things just unfold as they are meant to

indiemummy · 11/11/2006 15:16

hello oops,
i posted a while ago on the primary board about my 'sensitive' ds (3), i was worried that he didn't have any friends in his nursery class, i was worried it was because he was 'different' from the other kids - but on the other hand i didn't want him to change... had lots of posts from people saying not to worry because things change so much at this age and in a year (or two) he may have loads of friends. Your ds sounds like he's a real bright spark by the way, congratulations!

I think the best thing we can do is to be as supportive and happy as we can at home, and not worry about them making friends. It helps if you have confidence in the teachers/staff - if he needs help, it's important that he can ask for it etc, and they don't just ignore him. But don't worry about friends - plenty of time for that!

in my case a lot of people reminded me that when ds moves up to reception there'll be a whole new crowd of kids and they'll all be making new friends and a new start then. So wait until at least Yr1 before worrying... (as long as he continues to be happy & enjoy books & learning of course)

Hope this helps in some small way? Indiemummy Xx

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oops · 11/11/2006 20:12

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oops · 11/11/2006 20:15

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Ellaroo · 11/11/2006 21:26

Oops, I really feel for you. My dd was very similar..the only difference was she wasn't even able to speak to the teachers . I was surprised to find this out though as she would come home seeming quite happy but as far as her teachers were concerned they had never seen her talking to anyone. Like your ds, her teachers and I, felt that she was very bright and I think that this brightness helped her to not feel too sad - she was very intellectually bright, but less so on a social and emotional level and so I think she was able to lose herself in drawing, books, numbers and letters and not think too deeply about the fact that she may not have been able to interact with others very easily. Like your ds, my dd would think that she had played with a group of people because she had stood on the outskirts of their group smiling - I'd try not to shatter this illusion as keeping their self-confidence up is fundamental to them moving on to the next stage. I think if you want to be pro-active you could invite people to your home irrespective of whether they seem to know of your ds, (just make sure that you're friendly enough with the other mums and this won't seem a weird invitation as at that age I think its normal for children to become freinds because their mothers get on rather than vice versa), as we found that seeing people from pre-school on her own territory eventually loosened her up to the extent where she was able to continue her relationships with them inside pre-school. The other thing my dh & I did with her was roleplay and this seemed to make a huge difference (I know this sounds completely mad, but we felt really anxious for her) - bascially a game of schools or something where she would make freinds with the person sitting next to her (me or dh) during the game - this sounds too obvious and simple to actually work but it really did - I suppose some children actually need to practice making friends if it doesn't come naturally to them. As my dd has got older we have come to realise that she is actually a very strong character in her own quiet way and is not easily influenced by her peers as she doesn't seek their approval overly. She is also exceptionally kind and gentle and these characteristics seem to have slowly won her lots ofloyal friends. The main thing is that your ds sounds happy and is perfectly normal at home - which I always hoped was the basis for becoming more confident outside of home. Well done for seeing the positives in your ds the way he is - he does sound lovely.

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oops · 11/11/2006 21:45

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oops · 11/11/2006 21:47

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Ellaroo · 12/11/2006 17:52

oops - I really think it can take time. My dd was very lively when it was her childhood friends round at our house, but it seemed that she had a mental block around people that hadn't been selected and approved by dh and where we knew the whole family (I hope this wasn't anything we had caused as we would have been delighted by whoever she chose to make friends with). Anyway - to expand on the role-play thing - basically we would have hour long games of schools with her and we never made it apparent to her what the object of the game was, it was just meant to be fun as far as she was concerned. What was really interesting was that she would give us both pretend names and when she tried to speak to us in the 'playground' or at our 'desks' she would be visibly nervous as though we really were other children/the teacher and not her parents...however, we were relatively easy people to practise on and once she had struck up a 'friendship' or spoken to us in these pretend games it really did seem to boost her confidence and make her think that she might be able to put it into practise in real life. I know this sounds utterly idiotic, but you are driven to great & strange lengths when you can see your child suffering.

And yes to your last post - the feeling of seeing them on the outside of a group of children is really difficult, but we have found that with hindsight it is actually the first step of them finding the courage to join in - better this than such a lack of confidence that they feign complete disinterest. Your ds sounds so sweet - I am sure he is well-liked, even if he isn't the most popular.

Ellaroo · 12/11/2006 17:53

meant to say approved by dh and me - not just by him!!!

TyrNannyOgg · 12/11/2006 17:56

Please don't compare boys to girls, because socially they are a lot slower and this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them!

TyrNannyOgg · 12/11/2006 17:58

Give it time, ds1 was just like this, he still ids to an extent but now he knows some names, and they know his, whereas before nobody knew him and he didn't know anyone.

If you ask him, he still says he has done "Nuffin" with "Noboggy", however this is turning out to be untrue.

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oops · 12/11/2006 20:15

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bigdipper · 12/11/2006 20:29

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undergroundernie · 12/11/2006 21:46

This rings a lot of bells with me too, my 4 yr old ds is just finishing his first year at pre-school and he also doesn't seem to play with others. From talking to his teacher I know he will answer if children or adults talk to him but he never initiates conversations or offers information. He also isn't interested in play fighting or boisterous play and seems a little baffled by other boys doing that. He has also spent a lot of time with the children of my post-natal group at weekly get-togethers and tends to be most interested in the toys he can find at peoples houses rather than the children. Although just recently I have noticed him joining in more with chasing games.

I find it quite hard to deal with as well, it sparks lonely feelings in me like you describe. But he seems happy at pre-school, he's relaxed about going and is happy when I pick him up. I have spent a lot of time worrying he may have Aspergers Syndrome and it is very reassuring to read about other children who watch and seem to prefer their own company.

gigwig · 13/11/2006 11:03

It was good to read this thread cos I have been wondering if my DS was the only boy who doesnt seem to have friends at preschool or even know what other childrens names are.

My DS is now into his 2nd year at pre school and he still says 'nobody' or 'dont want to tell' if we ask who he played with or what he did. He is happy there though what we can see. He does talk to the teachers though. When I drop him off he sits at a table by himself and plays with things. That does make me feel for him while other children are running around together. BUt he seems happy and content in himself.

There is another boy there who is also quite gentle and the teachers have tried to put them together more.

DS just seems to get on with things rather than other children.

He does have one friend at his childminders (but who is not at the preschool) and he sees this friend outside the childminders too.

Nemo1977 · 13/11/2006 11:08

Am another with a son like this..DS was 3 in oct and started playgroup in sept. He does play with one person but that is only because we know this boy from DS being just 1. DS will not play with anyone else and if his little friend is playing with other children DS completely backs away and goes and sits doing something alone. I was fretting about it and am even more worried as when he starts the preschool in sept he will not know anyone but it doesnt seem in his nature to play with other children.