I start maternity leave in three weeks so after a big think, may get a better handle on the situation then.
This evening he was a bloody nightmare. Got home at 6pm and MIL greeted me asap with a turned down face and very flustered (she is 76, active but very timid and 'weak'). DS refused to put on his coat and threw himself on the floor. It was obvious to nursery staff that she was having difficulty and they intervened. When she got home, he refused his corned beef sandwich that I had pre made in the morning and was in the fridge. So she made him a cheese one which she says he didn't eat much but on inspecting, he did. She used two slices of bread whereas I only ever use one of a sandwich! He then sprinted to the toilet as the phone rang and he tripped and banged his head. She was 'very concerned' that this all happened when the phone rang and that she missed the call!?!? I said, stuff the phone, they would ring back, DS is far more important and the fact he needed the loo (still needs a little help, especially when tired) trumps a phone call. I got home to a curled up little boy on the sofa (he had had a half hour nap). She said he had had an accident but I assumed she had cleaned him up (different trousers etc). Turns out, she hadn't! I left my child on the sofa to snooze for half an hour after getting in (God knows how long since the accident) in soaking wet clothes - trousers,socks and t shirt!!! I didn't realise until after I had eaten (DS refused tea) and picked up DS to go upstairs. He was drenched. He was still mostly asleep and I had to undress and wash his body to get rid of the urine from his skin. This made me cross!
DS perked up afterwards. He had his tea, a bun and milk and watched his programmes before THREE stories instead of the usual two. He has literally conked out without much effort.
I have to admit, it is very difficult to only allow him certain length of time to nap. Even I struggle to wake him.
I am hoping after half term when I take over the pick ups that he will get a 'proper' tea on getting home and then straight in the bath and PJs even if it means at 5pm so that if he does fall asleep, we can take him straight to bed.
Don't think MIL is coping that well. I will have to have a word with DH tonight when he gets in. It is only for two more weeks and there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of taking time off (teacher) and DH is often in meetings in various places around the North/Central Enlgand. I think I can foresee that when I return to work in November, I will have to ask CM to pick up up and have him for that hour.
MIL is a lovely woman. She is very kind, gentle (bit too much, IYSWIM) but doesn't have the capacity or skills to 'negotiate' and deal with a tantruming pre-schooler. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that DH didn't turn out bad! Though he does have a stubborn and bossy streak in him!!! I told her that if he refuses, not to make a fuss and let him 'have his own way' because he quickly realises how wrong his 'decisions' are and eventually conforms. Told her that if he refuses to go with Her or throws himself on the floor, to walk away because he ALWAYS follows. I feel for MIL. She tries hard with him, too hard in fact, and at times I have had to cringe because she fusses over him, asking questions, telling him to do this that and that etc. It is as though he hates her, whinging at her, back answering and even refusing to acknowledge her at times. She isn't nasty but a little over-bearing. tea times can be a battle; she eats her tea whilst watching him, telling or asking him to try this or eat that or "that's a big mouthful" etc, etc and then proceeds to try and wipe his hands or mouth in mid flow of his meal!?!? DS has a more positive relationship with my DM and the difference is clear for everyone to see. There is a generation gap between DH's mother and my mother (56 almost and like a teen compared to MIL).
DS goes to a CM every weekday then nursery. After Easter he is dropping his CM times to just two mornings as we need to keep a place for him and for financial reasons whilst I am on maternity leave. But now wondering if it is better to reduce his hours once I am on maternity leave? I kept it as is due to being easier to calculate childcare costs to the end of a month (March) and needing DS in childcare the week I go for my c section. I may drop his CM hours after half term but ask CM to take him the week of my c section (no way MIL can't cope having him in a morning. She refuses to rise before 8:30 and won't have him in her room whilst she dresses - takes a good hour for her to get ready, don't ask! - and rest of family live 120 miles away!)