Inappropriate feedback or not from preschool?

[frendleeowl]

Today, I got cornered at the gate going to collect my three year old. 'Can I speak to you for two minutes' the lady said. My daughter has been attending pre-school since 8 January and is there three days a week. She proceeded to ask me a series of interrogative questions around my DDs behaviour. She said she won't make eye contact with the other children or carers and that children are approaching her to play and she's not playing them. She then added that the other children will cease to ask her to join in if she keeps this behaviour up. She wouldn't put her bowl away after snacks and that I might want to have her fringe cut as she appears to be hiding behind her fringe. I took huge offence to her telling me how to groom my daughter (I am at an inbetween phase of hopefully growing her hair and trying to get her to wear hair clips). My DD is not like this outside of preschool and is lovely to other kids she knows most of the time and is completely independent; gets dressed herself, tidies up herself with encouragement etc. I feel like my DD is being targeted as the carers feedback was so negative and no suggestion as to what might be going on for my DD, i.e., the obvious, taking a while to settle in. I am left with a lot of anger and I have lost all trust now in the preschool. Am I being too sensitive and protective of my DD? I am 32 weeks pregnant so very hormonal. Does anyone have opinions on how feedback should be given?

I think you are a bit defensive. The pre-school have concerns and they are trying to share those concerns.
The pre-school staff will have seen hundreds of children and are more than able to make judgements about their development and I am sure that they have given her a reasonable amount of time to settle in.
It really doesn't matter how she is at home- they can only comment on what they see and if she is not fully engaging with the carers or children then that will affect her develoment and affect how she settles in to school too, and ultimately her education.
They are not trying to find faults, they are trying to help your DD and maybe she does need her hair cutting- at school I used to hide behind my long hair and was painfully shy.

I agree with insancerre.

I also agree with insancerre. Listen instead of being defensive.

I also agree with insacerre.

Nursery have concerns about your child so they have raised them with you - why would that be a bad thing?

Please listen to them - you are being told something incredibly important about your child.

Ask for an appt to discuss this - the 3 main chat thing sounds a bit odd tbh.

Just because she's different at home doesn't mean there isn't a problem.

It sounds like the pre-school lady didn't approach this in a very sensitive way, and I think telling you to cut your child's hair is a bit much - though as a nursery teacher I have on occasion had to point out to parents that clothes/shoes don't hit, or that a child is irritated with hair in their eyes, or nails need cutting. Sometimes it takes fresh eyes to notice things I think.

The feedback on your DD's behaviour and how she is settling/relationships with peers is appropriate, but the way it was presented to you wasn't great imo.

I think it's totally understandable how you feel. I agree with listening to the concerns of the pre school but if this was done in a way that made you feel bad in terms of HOW you were spoken to, the staff need better training. I know at ds's nursery if there was a problem the keyworkers were very kind and always had lovely things to say about him, as well as suggesting what could be done to help his shyness and his stutter. I didn't feel blamed or anything like that. At the absolute end of the day, it is their job to help you to make sure dd settles well and has a nice time at nursery. I say this having worked with kids myself and observing behaviour/having to inform parents of problems. Some children quite frankly are shy children, and don't like to play much with others, this is how my ds used to be. Eye contact means nothing unless they have put forward a concern for SN specifically. I would try not to take it to heart, see how things go, and keep doing what you are doing with dd. it's all about confidence building at this age and they can be a bit fragile. Hope it goes well for you

Do you think your DD is a little concerned about becoming a big sister? It could be that she feels she has had to go to preschool because of that, and is finding it an extra adjustment.

I put DD1 into preschool when she was just 2 as her sister was due in 3 months, and she took a long time to settle. The staff were fab, but she was a very aware child and just took a while to adjust.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to share experiences and give me some advice. I spoke to the preschool lady this morning and feel much better. We have sorted it all out. She took on board my feedback and I took on board hers, so everyone is a winner including the most important one, my DD.

I also agree with Sancerre

Good, glad you got it sorted.
I work in a pre-school and one of the hardest things about my job is having to approach parents when we have concerns.
We are doing it because we care not because we are trying to find fault or to make judgements on your parenting.
The care and development of your child is our only concern.

I can't judge really, but I think you need to think about how it was put across. Were the staff just trying to find out why your DD might be behaving that way (there is a lot going on in you DD's life right now, new pre-school, new sibling)? Or were they trying to lecture you in some way?

You are aware of your hormones, so I would go in next time and try and have a positive chat. Maybe you could ask them questions about DD's behaviour that session, progress, what they are doing to encourage her and what you can do to help.

If you still feel attacked, then, well, think again...

When I read your post I though poor dd bring her to me...she doesn't seem very happy there (I'm a cm)

But ultimately I agree with sancerre

Thanks gabsid and btab for your further input. Most of the content that she fed back, I hadn't a problem with. It was really the tone and manner in which it was done that was an issue for me. I am very interested in child behaviour/psychology being a counsellor myself so would always check my own reactions to such situations. Anyway, as mentioned we spoke and I've put measures in place to gently encourage her at preschool which I've fed back to them...even cut her fringe this weekend and have to say it's really complimenting her big beautiful blue eyes...wish I had done it earlier but was trying to grow it out for a bit...clips were in her hair by the morning but usually had come away by the afternoon. There has been a bereavement around so it's possible this may have impacted her delivery of the feedback. We're only human after all but certainly good communication always helps to resolve these issues.