Pre-school teacher seems to be constantly complaining about ds...but am I being unreasonable?

[ProcrastinateWildly]

Ds is a at a pre-school attached to the primary school which he will be attending. His current teacher will be his reception teacher.
About 2-3 times per week, the teacher greets me at the door and tells me that it hasn't been a very good day. Ds has not listened to her, and in fact he repeats what she says, and pulls faces when she tells him off. I know this is not acceptable, and have said as much to ds, and have discussed this with ds at other times, and have told him that I am not happy, and don't want him to get in trouble etc. I have also told him repeatedly that I am not happy with him doing this.
I feel like I am doing all I can to try and encourage him to behave, but ds is still only just 4, and I think expectations of him are a bit high (willing to be corrected on this of course). I am now getting to the point where I dread picking him up, as I know nothing positive will be said, and I also think that to a certain extent the teacher should deal with his behaviour on 'her watch', and not feel she has to give me all the little details of his time at nursery.
Am I being unreasonable though? Please help!

I don't know if yabu or not but I'd go absolutely mental at my 4 year old if that's what I was hearing! Is he very much a 'run round' kind of boy and a bit young for age? Perhaps a non-school nursery might have been a better choice. Is it next year he starts reception? If not, perhaps you could move him for a year?
What 'carrots' do the nursery use to encourage good behaviour? Sounds like some more effort could be made on that front as well as the 'stick' of complaining to mum

Same thing with my son. I told her to try being positive. He has matured over the year. Some children just don't respond to punishment as well as praise especially if they are strong willed. I once told her that we'd had a chat & that he was going to be good & she laughed in my face. I thought if that's her attitude he can do no right!
To your son she is just repeating herself so it's having less effect. There's only so much you can do & your not with him all day when he's at school. I'm not saying don't be supportive but she needs to deal with him.

I can see why you might start dreading pick ups!

Perhaps the teacher and you need to sit down properly, for a decent amount of time, and discuss what to do about your DSs behaviour (which sounds pretty challenging TBH. And I speak as a mum who has a bit of a tinker myself, so not judging.) instead of these 'mini-nags'.

I don't know how she or you can suggest managing his behaviour. The traffic light system when my DD started school worked well.

I think she needs to deal with your son when he is in her class. Its fine to keep you informed but constant updates are a bit much unless you want them.

What sort of praising/punishment system do they have and why aren't they doing it?

Next time she mentions it i would just ask her to let you know when she has decided how she is going to deal with his behaviour in class. In other words put the ball back in her court.

Any chance he could be in a different class when he starts reception?

I agree you need to sit down and agree what strategies you will both use and what is expected at home to back nursery school up. Generally I think bad behaviour at school is between the school and the child and school should deal with it. You never know the full facts at home and the dc need a stress free place to wind down at the end of the day.

Copying what the teacher says and pulling faces seem at the milder end of the bad behaviour spectrum, it's not the same as breaking all the toys and hurting other children.

Go and have a proper talk with them.

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate them.
The only carrot that I'm aware of is the taking home of the class toy.
He starts reception this year.
On reflection , I wish I had sent him to a private nursery rather than a school one, I think that would have suited him more.
I have shouted at ds about this, but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.
I agree that his behaviour is wrong and challenging, and just basically a pain in the arse, but I think the teacher should be able to deal with it, or is that unrealistic? I'm a bit concerned now that she won't be able to manage the behaviour of the children in her reception class. I agree I need to have a proper meeting with her though.

I haven't just shouted at him btw, I have mainly talked to him about how he is not allowed to copy adults, and how if someone is telling him off, he should listen and say sorry, and if someone else is pushing him, he should tell the teacher etc, but he doesn't seem to be able to, or be interested in, doing anything that I advise him to

How is he outside class? Is it just at nursery that he doesn't behave as expected?

our nursery and reception use stickers and smilies, with mini-awards when you reach a certain target. I thought most places did something similar. Definitely worth finding out what they use to reward good behaviour - sanctions alone are not going to work!

Do many of the other parents seem to get collared?

How is he outside class? Is it just at nursery that he doesn't behave as expected?

our nursery and reception use stickers and smilies, with mini-awards when you reach a certain target. I thought most places did something similar. Definitely worth finding out what they use to reward good behaviour - sanctions alone are not going to work!

Do many of the other parents seem to get collared?

I'd say he is stubborn, and tends to kick off initially when told he can't do something, but is pretty quick to calm down. He is generally polite and friendly with other children and adults. Not sure about other parents getting collare, as we all tend to file in and out. He has always been known as being fairly well-behaved in the past, amongst my friends, so I am a bit surprised about all this tbh!

By 'kick off' I don't mean screamin or shouting or violence, just a bit of whinging

My DD's preschool use a time-out style punishment, you should ask what method of discipline they use. My DDs preschool is church based one and they have about 5-6 staff for 20+ kids so there's enough hands on deck so to speak.

That 3-4 age is really quite challenging for parents and teachers. They're starting to answer back, using reasoning to get what they want and they copy bad behaviour off each other. Just stay firm (but fair!), he may be copying others, who knows? My DD is a handful, really she is a terror sometimes but some of the other kids at her preschool are bloody wild! Your DS is probably nothing compared to some, you just don't see it.

It is very inappropriate if this is the only feedback you are getting and particularly bad if the feedback is given in front of your child and/or other parents.

I would request a meeting with the teacher so that you can discuss the behaviour, let her know that while you agree that the behaviour is inappropriate- if you do not have those issues at home, you would like to know what strategies are being used to support your child in the nursery (teaching Personal, social and emotional skills are part of the EYFS and their planning after all) .

Discuss your preferred method of communication, for example. If there has been a serious incident you would like to be informed via telephone. If it is a minor occurrence you might prefer they deal with it in the nursery, but will be available to meet every few weeks to discuss progress and strategies.

Also let them know that on collection time you would like to hear at least one positive thing that your child has enjoyed. So that everyone can start focus on what he is doing well. If it is absolutely necessary to share something negative you also want them to "catch him being good" as well. If they find this part difficult- I really recommend finding a new nursery.

Hi all, thanks for your replies. The past couple of days have passed without any comment, which has been nice. There are only a couple of weeks left of the term before summer holidays, so not really worth changing nursery, although I have though about this!
I feel now that if/when any negative comments come my way again, I am much better equipped to deal with them in a positive way thanks to the replies on this thread, so thanks again.
If this continues in reception, then I will be asking for a meeting with the teacher. Am also going to make it clear that I don't appreciate being told about his behaviour in the hearing of other parents.

I think this is so sad......could be that your child only gets attention that they want and need if they are being "naughty".....children often think this is the only way they can get noticed so do not see it as being naughty.........teachers etc should now give only positive info unless it is a very serious incident.....check their behaviour policy

reward charts
special time to play 1:1 with just you or his dad
extra story at bedtime
small toy / magazine for a particularly good day / effort
fav tea
DVD from libary

All of these need to be done at home - do not leave it to school or nursery to praise and reward your child.

the other side is :

firm boundaries
clear family rules
clear consequences for behaviour
(all in picture and word form displayed around your house)
ensure both parents and any grandparents are united in following through with discipline
give up ever shouting
discover and develope your own voice of authority

do all this too at home - do not leave it to school or nursery to guide your child.

Start now, keep going till october and then ask for a review with teacher - don't bother with seeing her now you've lots of parenting to be done first and her mind seems to be already made-up.

Tbh I'm already doing all those things, except reward charts which I don't personally like (I know some people speak highly of them, but they're not for me), and putting lists of rules around the house also sounds a bit ott to me tbh.
Thanks for your advice though, it's very interesting.

Have name-changed btw! Will now do so again . Luckily I haven't done so to post anything private.

rewards and picture clues - maybe replace with pennies in the jar concept, sticky rocket to the moon star charts - what I'm getting at is having something visual for your child to look at and for you to point to (and to comment on when collecting little one - in frount of disaproving teacher "didn't you do well this morning x .. that's another star on your rocket / penny in your jar") - boost your child up a bit.

That's exactly what they do .. complaints after complaints.. I am in the same boat as you .. rather than suggestions they are giving me 10 page complaint document.. with issues like your daughter didn't sit in assembly for 30 minutes and she is 3 years old and she apparently had breadstick from her snackbox
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