I know no-one can help BUT need some advice/sympathy....

[Becaroooo]

Ds2 is 3.5 - will be 4 in Sept - he doesnt start school til next Sept.

I am a sahm and he has only ever been with me/dh/other family members.

I have had health issues since his birth...back problems, anaemia etc. I am pretty tired tbh so we tried starting him 2 x mornings per week at a pre school last sept just before his 3rd b day.

To say it wasnt a success is putting it mildly!

First day not too bad but he got very upset when I picked him up. 2nd time he cried when I left. 3rd time he vomited all over himself as soon as we got there. He was also waking in the night crying and saying he didnt want to go. So....we took him out.

Fast forward to now.....we are trying him again 2/3 x mornings per week at a smaller nursery with much higher key worker/child ratio.

It was his first day yesterday...went ok I thought. They are happy for me to stay for a while to settle him and I stayed for nearly an hour yesterday (mostly he was playing outside and I tried not to be intrusive) I left and he was fine. He was there for over a hour on his own and although he didnt cry when I picked him up he was very anxious to leave.

He then told me last night that he "doesnt want to go back to pre school ever"

Sigh. What am I doing wrong?

Ds1 was the same and - despite my reservations and due to lots of family pressure - I sent him against my better judgement and it was a big mistake...he was miserable and badly bullied and the pre school/school did nothing about it. I moved him eventually but not before the damage had been done

I dont want to make a terrible mistake again.

Ideally in Jan I would like him to be doing 5 x mornings a week to prepare him for reception in Sept but just cant see it happening...I cant keep staying at pre school - sort of defies the point doesnt it?

Feeling pretty low about it all atm

DD started pre-school (2 mornings) just before her 3rd birthday and I was worried because she was so shy and wouldn't talk to any adults. I wasn't going to just leave her there. I was prepared to stay as long as it takes until she has settled.

I stayed with her for 3 weeks and was surprised to see that DD settled quite quickly and was quite confident and independent (she wouldn't approach an adult though). DD definitely needed me there for 1-2 weeks when I then left for 1/2 hour she couldn't have cared less and hasn't since.

Maybe it would be worth investing some time to settle him in the beginning until he knows staff and children a bit more. It must be terrifying for such a little, dependent person to be 'abandoned' in a big room of strangers.

Yes. Thats my view too gabsid I have purposely chosen a small pre school - only about 18-14 children per session aged 2-5 and so a good key worker to child ratio (at ds1 pre school it was 1:13!!!)

Its one large room and a play area outside and they use the primary school facilties too.

We will see how it goes. Have another hospital appt next week which will mean picking him up early again that day which isnt ideal but cant be helped.

The best of luck! My DS (now 7) never really liked nursery (he went 1 day per week) or preschool despite being a very chatty and sociable boy but he didn't like crowds. I always hoped he was growing to like it. I wish I had acted and found him a nice childminder with 2 or 3 kids at her home DS could have played with - I think he would have loved that but its too late now .

Thank you.

Its horrid when you have regrets - I know I have them wrt ds1, but you (and I) did what we thought was right at the time...dont be so hard on yourself x

Waaaaah! My DD went in fine for her first few sessions at playgroup, but gradually became weepy earlier in the session over the next few sessions. One morning she howled when I left so I did the 'she'll be fine, I'm going' bit. She didn't settle, screamed on and off for 2 hours then was sick. Since then I've been staying (2 months now, 2 mornings a week) and it's dreadful - I can't even nip to the toilet without her screaming inconsolably. I'm hating it all because I don't like to see her upset. However, I would like to say that I'm not a fawning mother - I was a teacher, I know how important it is to be matter of fact, etc. But I can't leave her screaming till she's sick.

After that episode, it got to the stage that she wouldn't even let DH bath her, although we've managed to crack that one again.

She has a few things 'against' her in a way - she was very premature (27 weeker) so still small, she has mild cerebral palsy, so finds walking hard and is wobbly (She gets incredibly tired, and I think playgroup does take a lot out of her) and I think she has some sensory issues - has problems with certain noises, doesn't like busy places, etc.

I could cry. All my friends' children seem to have settled into their playgroups and preschools without a murmur, and mine is just plain hellish. :(

can i just point out when i said the child made themselves sick, we the staff did not leave him unattended in his own vomit not caring a jot for him as you seem to be making out!
We run a high ratio of 1;5 and there was always a member of staff to deal one to one with this child to ensure he settled to something he liked to do. We are totally flexible but have just found after many many years experience this is the best approach

I went through hell getting DD settled into Nursery. Be resolutely positive about pre school. Talk about how much fun he's going to have.

Can you have any potential friends over to play?

Ringing the school and seeing how DD was once I got home from dropping her off helped me through it. They were very understanding. The tears and upset drags you down.

Good luck.

Becaroo- I know just how you feel! DS was exactly like this. I moved him- we found a nursery he liked. And I agree with your approach- I couldnt be that harsh myself though I'm always told it works- wasnt for me though!

My DS was 3 and quite shy- he didnt know nursery & he didnt know the kids- it was always going to be a big step for him. But our new nursery was much better- and once he found friends he was much happier.

Now he is at school- he settled in quickly, never cried, has lots of friends. So they do get better at doing it- I think a good nursery experience helps loads.

Best of luck- sounds like its going well!

No time to write long reply im sorry but quickly to the OP and others who have experienced similar perhaps try reading the Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron.

We had many of the issues with DD1 that you describe with starting preschool and as a consequence at home and found this book so helpful, a real lightbulb moment.

Obviously can't say it is definitely relevant to your DS but maybe worth a try given what you say about yourself, DH and DS1?

Hi! Quick update;

Ds2 is on his 2nd week now 3 x mornings per week.

He didnt cry today!!!! Ok, he told me over and over "I will really miss you mummy" but no tears!!!!

I only took him in, he found an activity he wanted and I had a quick word with the manager and left!!!!

Ok, might all go horribly wrong tomorrow but we will see.

I am so sorry for those of you who have posted re: your dc's settling issues...its really is hellish and I have felt physically ill since he started

galena Oh, that must be so hard for you! What have the nursery said re; integrating her more? Does she have a statement re; her additional needs? I really do feel for you x

icant will check that book out, thanks.

Oh! and he got his first party invite today!!!!

Becarooo, i am so happy for you and your ds.

I hope he continues to enjoy his sessions. Dont panic if he has a set back in a couple of weeks. Ime it is quite common.

Just keep doing what you are doing because it is obviously working.

Believe me i know [ from the parent of a limpet and a preschool senco]

Good luck

Galena, if you come back on here.

I dont want to teach my granny to suck eggs but i think if i were you i would find a different group to go to.

It sounds like your Dd is associating that group with being left. She may never setttle there.

Is there a special needs playgroup or nursery near to you? I am asking because it is likely to be smaller and run by people with years of experience of settling children with special needs.

I dont want you to think i mean she shouldnt go to a mainstream playgroup, just that i think she [ and you] need more support with the process right now.

Good luck.

Sorry for the hijack beca.

Thanks ineed

I was going to suggest the same as ineed has galena but didnt want you to think I was also inferrnig that your dd shouldnt be in a MS pre school but I know several ladies from the sn/sen boards whose dc have thrived in a SS setting (even if only for pre school years) and who were having similar issues to your dd. It doesnt sound like the pre school are doing much to help your dd/dont know how x

galena, meant to say, why dont you come and join us on the special needs children board. It is just under Am i being unreasonable.

There is a really friendly supportive and most imortantly very experienced group of poeple over there and it is a great place to relax or vent depending on how the mood takes you.

Thanks all - we were at a SN drop in group until she started at this playgroup. She did love it, but she outgrew it and it was no longer 'enough' for her. She was streets ahead of the other children there. The only way she could get SN preschool provision would be at a local special school, and she isn't severely enough affected for that.

The preschool are helpful - they are happy to follow my lead and we had a minor breakthrough on Wednesday in that she started off clingy and I refused to give her cuddles until she'd calmed down (She was only whinging, not screaming, I'd like to point out) and once she did settle I made sure I did give her a hug and then moved to work with another child while her keyworker worked with her. At one point she went and played in the other room for about 20 minutes without me - and at singing time she sat on another leader's lap and joined in while I was at the other side of the room... It doesn't sound much, but was a big step for us...

I'm a lurker on the SN board, and am on the CP thread. :)

.

Your breakthrough sounds like a huge step to me. Bless her, it sounds like she is settling.

Take your time and enjoy.

Thanks. It was so what I needed...