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Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

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Original poster

Totally put off preschool now.....

19 replies

JustJazz · 12/01/2012 15:20

....bit of a rant here, sorry in advance.

My DD has been very clingey at playgroups until recently when she's been off playing on her own & playing with other boys and girls. She was due to start this term but we asked to defer it because introductory sessions were in Nov & my Dad was due to have a big operation. Anyway, today we took her in while her Dad is on hols to see how she reacted. I popped in on Monday to ask if it was OK to bring her in an was told to bring her in anytime this week, although between 9-12 is easier. So we go in at 10.45 today.

Well within the first 10 mins we were told we should've come in earlier another time when there's free play & we shouldn't have come in when we're going somewhere else after. Anyway, I explained she does a lot of socialising in different settings (playgroups & meeting with other little friends) & that she's more confident with adults & older children. To which she told me that she has to learn to make friends with other 2 year olds & she can only do that at pre-school & that if I don't let her, she won't have any friends when she goes to school. Really? She has friends her own age at the mo. None of them will go to the same pre-school although they will probably go to the same school & don't friends at this age come and go? Does she really need to learn to be friends with other 2 year olds? Some of them (not all) are pretty difficult at this age what with snatching & possesiveness. Hopefully by school, most of them will be past that. She already knows how to behave, share etc.

All in all, the pre-school which is supposed to be the best around doesn't seem so great. I felt physically sick afterwards that I'd chosen this pre-school.

Rant over.

OP posts:

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OhBuggerandArse · 12/01/2012 15:23

She may not have handled it as skilfully as would be ideal, but it sounds to me as if the teacher observed an issue around your ability to separate from your daughter.

She may, of course, be wrong - but working that out together is only the first of a long series of things that you, the teacher and your daughter will have to work out in partnership, so it would be worth giving her the credit of her experience and the benefit of the doubt.

Gigondas · 12/01/2012 15:25

Isn't the point about pre school also about her learning to interact without you there and get slowly used to classroom environment? also how kids are in pre school setting can be different to how they are at home or around parents so whilst I dont agree with the making friends point , I do think there's something in the Idea of getting them used to other environments and kids.
Bit off of them to complain about your arrival time if said it was ok to come then unless they meant to come from 9-12.

Original poster

JustJazz · 12/01/2012 15:53

I won't deny I am having an issue about seperated from DD, especially as she has been so very clingy for such a long time until quite recently, but I've hardly spoken to the woman really (I had to put DD name down when she was 6 mnths old to get a place). And yes, DD does need to learn to be away from me. Had she focused on that, I'd have been OK with it. That said, I really need to feel confident that I'm leaving her with someone who is understanding and caring & now I'm totally put off. Maybe it is just the wrong place for us?

And it was 'anytime between 9-12', not the whole 3 hours.

OP posts:

Gigondas · 12/01/2012 15:56

Why didnt you tell her that you were anxious? She won't necessarily know if you dont tell her.

Original poster

JustJazz · 12/01/2012 16:15

I didn't feel like opening up to her TBH. I might have done if we hadn't got off to a bad start. I did try and do the 'well maybe we caught her at a bad time/ on a bad day' thing afterwards, but I'm still really upset about it. I have had a child who would not leave me at all until Dec (which I had explained). I asked if I could bring her in to see if we could improve on that & move to the next step (not that I would expect her to chase me).
She rounded the whole thing off by saying, she would struggle in school as she'll start young.

OP posts:

LIZS · 12/01/2012 16:19

Think you may be being a bit oversensitive espeically if not used to leaving her often. Would suggets you try again before writing this preschool off. Perhaps arrange to go in earlier, at circle time, so she can see the beginning of the day and participate with you observing from a distance. Then take it from there.

Beamur · 12/01/2012 16:26

I don't think I would have enjoyed being on the end of that either JustJazz my DD was also a bit clingy and not at all interested in other children when she was 2, but the nursery she went to did not see it as a problem. They merely commented that some children prefer to play alone at that age, and she was quite willing and able to interact with other children and the staff when she wanted to or was required to - like at mealtimes, they were also quite understanding and tolerant of children like mine who took a bit longer to separate at drop off times.
All that said, she is now 4, in Reception, socialising well and making friends - so I don't think I would agree that unless your child is socialising at 2 they will struggle later on.

Beamur · 12/01/2012 16:27

I think you should give the pre-school another try though - take their advice and go earlier.

Original poster

JustJazz · 12/01/2012 17:03

Thanks Beamur & LizS. It does help to have an outside perspective & I am probably a little oversensitive about it, although I was very excited about taking her today, but then quickly felt like I was not welcome. I was asked specifically not to bring her in at the start of the day.

Beamur- thanks it helps to have a view from someone else who has had a clingy child as I don't know anyone who has the same problem. All the other 2 year olds run into playgroups/ activities & through themselves into it & my DD is just not like that at all, although she will socialise with a couple of other little ones.

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 12/01/2012 17:11

How did your DD like it, though?

Original poster

JustJazz · 12/01/2012 17:20

She didn't leave DH or my side. She played with some toys while they had snack time and then a story. Some little girls came up to see her and she put her head down and wouldn't talk to them. She wouldn't go & join in either activity.

That said, she said she had lots of fun!

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NormanTebbit · 12/01/2012 17:21

I have a clingy DD3 and recently had to settle her at nursery two days, aged 2.5 so I could go back to work.

I would go back and try and get another talk with key worker. I explained DD3 was very attached to me - wouldn't even let granny hold her, would only have DP and me. They worked out a gradual settling in process and although three months on she still cries when I leave her, she is according to them, happy when I have gone, eats well and gets lots of cuddles.

You have to have confidence in those caring for your DD. also respect pre school workers'views and experience - they have done this hundreds/ thousands of times.

Go back, explain your feelings and see what you think from there.

LIZS · 12/01/2012 17:24

You both went with her ? Next time you need to be more relaxed, and arrange to go at a time when others are playing so she can see what they are up to rather than at a time which is more formal. What is their normal settling in period and system ? dd was clingy but once I'd left her I'd soon get a call to say she was fine.

Original poster

JustJazz · 12/01/2012 17:31

Thanks Norm- I think it's the 'confidence in those caring....' bit I now have an issue with. We have the same issue as you do (or did) with Granny.

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NormanTebbit · 12/01/2012 17:41

I have come off nightshift and needed to sleep today so MIL took her - she cried and clung to me crying and sobbing...so very different to her sisters who are very confident and settled. Motherhood is tough sometimes

Beamur · 12/01/2012 18:17

I stopped taking DD to a playgroup, as she was never interested in playing with other children but was quite happy to just hang around with me, so it seemed we might as well stay at home! She never loved going to nursery, but tolerated it well and didn't cry when I left, but always took quite a few minutes to settle and separate from me. I think I was fortunate to be using a nursery that was more understanding of this - DD is my first and only child, so maybe part of the 'issue' is me not her! But I think allowing us both that space meant that there was no drama and tears. But to put it into context now - DD goes very happily into class and usually forgets even to say goodbye to me
As long as you are happy with the care and facilities at the pre-school, you don't have to agree with everything they say.
Lots of kids start school having never been to a pre-school or nursery and I'm sure they settle - it might just take a little longer.

OhBuggerandArse · 12/01/2012 18:41

I totally accept that some kids are clinger than others, but it's also the case that some mums are clingy to the point where it inhibits the child from feeling that it's ok for them to strike out on their own.

I'm thinking of one mum who went to the same playgroup as me who was continually patting and stroking her kid, cat ching her eye, calling her over, showing her something new when she was quite happily absorbed with something she'd found herself, and so on. It was as if she couldn't be comfortable with her being comfortable without her. She said all the time how clingy her kid was, but from the outside what was clear was that she found it impossible to let go enough and create the calm and confident context in which her kid could develop her own steps towards being ok with a bit of independence.

That's not uncommon; and I bet nursery teachers have seen their fair share of situations where they think parents' own issues are interfering with kids' ability to separate and settle. It may be, particularly with the context you describe, that you've ticked a few boxes for them.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't listen to your own instincts about their approach and set up, but I think you really need to look hard at your own part in it and see if there's anything you could do to let go and smooth the way for your daughter. There are always two people in any separation issue.

Original poster

JustJazz · 12/01/2012 20:50

Trust me I'm not totally in DDs face at all. Which is why I've persisted with groups etc. when it really seemed to be pointless going. She really has had a breakthrough recently & I've caught myself thinking- "where is she?" because she's off getting her favourite trike or talking to another Mum. I'm too knackered to be chasing her back to me that's for sure & it's been fab seeing her off on her own. Yes, I am worried about leaving her at pre-school, but it's more that I'm worried if it's too much too soon it'll ruin that confidence she has just found. I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:

camgirl · 27/01/2012 10:48

Just to add .. I do think that the teacher was right, that a two year old does need to make friends with peers. I speak from experience on this as my two year old has spent a lot of time with adults and older children (friends of his older brother, who is 5.) His confidence has soared since starting preschool and being with other children the same age and height as he is. He doesn't constantly feel and look like the 'little one' isn't always striving to be bigger and more competent than he is (and than a two year old should be.)

I'd also give it another go.

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